Hi everyone, I am posting this to hopefully get some advice on how I should do this next step...

I am a MTF TS and I have recently begun my transition phase. I am still a bit early to worry about family yet, but I know that someday soon I am going to have to tell them,

I have come out to my closest friends, and they have been so amazing with tier support. Without them, I would never have even attempted to transition in this day and age. However, along with the support from them, I realize that I can not go much further without talking to my family. Most of my family are rather hardcore conservative Catholics. I get along with them well, but I know they will take issue with my desire to change my body to a more natural self. Most of them would view it as a sin.

I am here in this forum today hoping someone can help me through this. I think this will be the hardest part of my transition. Up until this point, I have been content to let my family see the illusion that is me as a boy. I know nearly all of them will disapprove and I will end up feeling like I am back at square One.

Have any of you had to go through this? If so, do you have any suggestions on how best to go about this? I really want to start living full time as a woman, but I know currently that isn't possible as long as I remain in the closet.

I have considered making my first step to be o tell them through email. Is that a bad idea?

Any help on this matter would be SOOOO greatly appreciated. Any story you may have that resembles mine would be immensely helpful by how I choose to go on to this next stage of my transition...

Hmmm...what is your rush in disclosing to the world? Have you considered a path that takes a few years, migrating from masculine to androgynous to eventually all femme? Shoot, spread out over 5 years or so, you can get your ducks in order physically with HRT, electrolysis, legal issues such as name change etc, and at the end of that period, people will probably say "it's about time she started presenting herself better"! (smile) I'm in year two of such plan and gracefully looking "neutral" on the outside while my body changes from within...nobody seems to notice or care that my hair is growing out, my skin is clean and clear of body hair, and that my nails are a bit long for a guy (I'm a musician of sorts and keep them long to assist in guitar picking)...my dress as male tends to be baggy, loose tops that mask obvious physical changes.
By doing it this way, there is less shock to everyone and they learn to like the "new" person as is...spread over time, eventually they will "get it" and it should not be an issue...
Anyhow, it's working for me...just thought I'd share...
Best wishes always!
Traci

Neco,
If you tell your Family and they reject your wishes, you may feel you have gone back to "Square One" - but you will be "Neco at Square One"...and that's a beautiful thing.
Your decision is very similar to what many of the girls here have gone through..but only you can make the final decision.

-----------------------------

"and my needs entwined like ribbons of light...and I came through the doorway...some where... in the night"

Hello Neco,
For me, family was the most difficult aspect of transitioning simply because they did not accept I am transgendered. I have since been ostracised. I will explain my story so you can have a better understanding.

I transitioned from male to female 17 months ago. I have not had any contact with my mum for over a year and my dad and sister since I transitioned.

I initially approached my sister, mum and daughter's mother explaining that I was transgendered and that I wished to live in the gender that I am more comfortable with. The plan to tell my dad was once mum and sister were onboard and supporting me. I provided reputable websites, leaflets, information packs and NHS documentation. I even went as far as to offer everyone counselling with my psychiatrist to help them cope and deal with it.

Although my family are not religious and although I felt I did everything I could to help them, after a years retention it was time for me to start living fulltime for my own health.

I was very disappointed in how they reacted. I am still coping and dealing with losing my family, because affectively, the message they sent me, in being ostracised, is that I might as well be dead.

I don’t know if there was more I could of done to help prevent the outcome but I feel there are some factors beyond my control that cannot be ignored which I will detail below...

None of my family is educated. Educated people tend to understand that they might not know everything and what they do know might even be wrong so they're much more open minded and in turn accept alternative postulations.

My family are conceited. Although they are uneducated working class they attempt to be middle class. They are extremely snobby and think that being members of country clubs and gold clubs elevates their station. They couldn’t possibly have a member of the family who is transgendered! What would the neighbours think!

The family is very dysfunctional. The level of communication, care and support given to each other was pretty non-existent anyway, why would anything change that? The fact that they ostracised me, aka I might as well be dead shows they have little or no unconditional love to give.

I acknowledge I have a quantity of resentment that has developed towards my family and I am receiving counselling, as I don't wish to carry that through my life.

The conclusion that I have reached is that I'm probably better off without them. I don't need them to live my life. I have my daughter. I will always be there for her unconditionally.

Sometimes, it doesnt matter what you try you will never get the results you want.

Knowing what I have experienced I would say, plan for the worst and be pleasantly surprised if it works out. I have friends who's family have been really accepting and supportive.

I hope things work out for you Neco.

Best of luck
Penny
x

Neco,
The only advice I can give is not to broach such an important subject by e-mail.
Maybe write a letter?
It's helped for me sometimes?

I am in full agreement with Meredith on this one and that is you need to do this face to face and not by email or letter. At least for the immediate family members. I didn't even bother telling aunts, uncles or cousins. The main reason you need to do this face to face is so you can answer any questions they may have, and to be able to answer the questions you should research transgender the best you can so you will have answers for them should they ask. And yes I said "should they ask" because you don't want to overwhelm them with too much information too soon and that is likely what you would do in a letter. Letters are good for followup, where you don't have the answer on the tip of your tongue and want to better explain things in greater detail. This is a personal issue that needs personal attention, not a form letter.

I have been extremely fortunate and have received acceptance from everyone in my family, but as you can see by some of the other responses sadly some have basically been disowned by their families. You need to be prepared for the worst, but thankful for any and all support you do receive.

One other note on the Catholic issue you mentioned. Many of my customers who happen to be Catholic have been really great to me. I think Penny was very accurate when she said educated people are more accepting because they know they don't know everything. I actually have some customers who are devout Southern Baptists and some from my old church that said I was not welcome. So don't write them off too fast just because they are religious. I think you will find that the church says a lot of stuff that many of the congregation just says "yeah right" to.

Best wishes,
Marsha

My family aren’t religious, but my dad is extremely conservative and doesn’t speak to me any more, though he still sends me cards and gifts for birthdays and Christmas.
If I knew how to advise you so that you could avoid this happening I would, but some people just don’t want to even try to understand, and may never come round. Fortunately my mum has been a rock of support, even coming with me to Thailand when I had SRS, she is brilliant. The rest of my family have been fine with it, and I haven’t lost any friends.
I think a letter or email is the best way to explain yourself. You can take your time and put the words in the most thought out way possible; much easier than heat of the moment, face to face. I wrote individual letters to all my close family (except my mum who I told first, in person, even before I was sure I was going to transition). Obviously the letters had a lot in common, but they were written specifically for the individuals in question. I think a personal touch helps, rather than sending out a “round-robin” letter to everyone. I stressed that I was not a transvestite or a drag queen, and this was nothing to do with sexual preference, it was about my core identity as it always has been for as long as I can remember.
My dad might come round one day, but I’m not holding my breath. I think he knows though that I had to do this, basically to save my own life. If people turn your back on you, then so be it. This is your life and you have to live it in such a way that does not bring you constant misery.
It was the best thing I ever did.
xx

When you think about what we put ourselfs through. The risk that we are willing to take. Years of prepairing, taking meds that have a giant effects on our bodys. Major surgerys that forever change who we are. Yet the hardest part seems to be telling those we love. It seems that the biggest risk is losing the love we have of family & friends.