Here's MY story....WEEKENDS AT CONNIE’S
CHAPTER 1
At the age of 5, I realized something was different about me.
I knew I was not the same person inside that I was outside.
Not having the intelligence at that point to explain, I just went along with that knowledge and just accepted what I knew.
What I knew was that I was a GIRL! Everyone else was telling me I was a BOY, and I just knew they were wrong!
That didn’t stop the feelings inside that I should act and dress as a girl. I WAS smart enough to realize doing that would bring me no end of grief, so I kept it to myself. I don’t know whether I had told anyone else at that point, but for some reason I knew to keep it to myself.
The problem, I couldn’t STOP wanting to be that girl! Why was it so hard for others to see that? It was as obvious as the morning sun! At least to ME! My mother knew, since I would play dress up with my sister and brother and I was ALWAYS the mom! But not just your average dress up game, oh no! I would put on my sister’s
training bra, panties, hose, garter belt and stockings. Not to leave out the heels and house coat. My mother saw it and after her initial shock, giggled and though it was kind of cute. She also admonished me to “Never let your father see you like that, He’d kill you!”
I knew she was right, he was one of the OLD SCHOOL types and
an alcoholic on top of that! I am sure there would have been a little
mound of dirt in the back yard with no marker and an excuse for
my disappearing would have been thought out.
We had a huge flowering bush in the front yard and it grew out and up and then folded over and formed kind of an umbrella shape, which left a LOT of room inside of it and no one could see under it, though I could see out if I crawled under it and sat there. Often I would take some of my sister’s old clothes and go under there and change clothes. I sit there and play house with myself and dream about being a girl. Things kind of went like that until one day of March 1966 my father had a stroke! He lasted 4 more days and died at home. Things got worse after that. My mother had been very ill with what I found out was cancer. She wasted away on the front couch with her there moaning and groaning (from the pain) and a little boy kneeling next to her with his head in her lap trying to ask God to help her and save her from dying. She died on that couch with him still praying for her to be saved. Now there was no one.
There WERE 5 other children, the oldest being 20. But how do you ask a 20 year old to care for 5 younger brothers and sisters! His life had only begun, in attempting that, he would have ruined his own life. Our aunt (mother’s sister) & uncle came for the funeral, expecting to see a large throng of people there, they expected to come in, pay their respects, then be gone. Instead they found 5 kids! No one else came! They decided the three youngest would then go back with them to Minnesota and live with them there until they were adults.
They didn’t know however that the youngest had a serious problem! I, to this day do not know if my mother ever discussed it with her sister (my aunt). It wasn’t long after we arrived there that I was caught wearing some old stockings and only just them, because there were no other girls clothes to be had there.
I suppose they thought it was just a fetish, but you don’t see
fetishes in young children like that. Part of me thinks they should have figured it out. But, they didn’t seem to get it. I was just made to feel like a freak and sick! I don’t know if that was the intent, but that is what the outcome was. Needless to say, that didn’t help anything at all. I just felt worse, even though it didn’t change my
desire to be a girl. I wanted to tell them, to scream it to them, but I couldn’t! So, I hid it as usual and just decided to do what I thought was the thing to do. I began to distance myself from them
and I would find my girls clothes ELSEWHERE!
I am still very ashamed to this day but I would steal girls clothes from clothes lines in the general area. I know now that this is fairly common to those with gender dysfunction, but it doesn’t make me any less ashamed of my doings as a child.
One early summer morning I was walking around the neighborhood and walked through this small wooded area and
I ended up walking into the backyard of what was obviously a woman’s house. I knew that because the clothes line was full of clothing and lingerie. I couldn’t help myself I walked under the clothing and raised my hand to feel the nylon stockings hanging there.
Just as I was touching them I heard a voice behind me.
“What are you doing young man?” Oh god, I had been caught!
I froze in place, my hand still up in the air. The lady of the house had seen me from the kitchen window and came out to confront me. “You were going to steal clothes from my line weren’t you!?”
she asked. I didn’t know what to say, I just stammered and said nothing intelligible. “You come here, I am going to call your mother!” she exclaimed. “What is your mother’s phone number?” she demanded. “My mom is dead” I replied meekly. “Then your father!” she continued. “He’s gone too” I said tears beginning to well up in my eyes. “Don’t lie to me young man, I can find out if I have to” “I am telling you the truth, I came up here to Minnesota because they died and I live with my Aunt and Uncle and when they find out about this, they are going to send me away somewhere!” The tears began to stream from my eyes. Her expression began to change and she told me to come into the house with her.
“I don’t think your Aunt and Uncle would send you away because of this” she said and I was really crying by this time. “Oh Yes the WILL!” I replied. They know I am different and they won’t want me around when they find out about this!” I continued.
“Sit down,” she had me sit at her kitchen table. “What do you mean DIFFERENT?” she asked. I was still crying pretty hard and she got me a tissue and I tried to wipe away the streaming tears.
“I’m not really a boy!” I told her. “You sure look like a boy to me!” she said. “I know but inside I am a girl, something got messed up when I was born and I look like a boy but I am NOT!”
I began to cry again. “I know if anyone else finds out they will send me to some kind of hospital for crazy people and do bad things to me!” Again I cried harder and put my head down on my arms on the table and continued to sob. I knew this was the end and I was going to “THAT PLACE!” I didn’t know what that place really was, I just knew there was one, and I was going to be sent there!
The lady came over and put her hand on my shoulder and pulled me up and put her hand under my tear dripping chin.
She too now had tears in her eyes and placed her hands on my cheeks, “No one is going to send you anywhere!” she tried to
reassure me. “Yes they will!” I demanded. “How long have you been doing this?” she asked “For as long as I can remember.” I replied. “I’m really sorry, I wasn’t going to steal your things, I just wanted to feel them!” I confessed. “What is it about them the makes you want to do this?” she asked. “I don’t know, I just want to wear girl’s clothes and be a girl, I really like the feeling of girls’ clothes and I hate boys stuff.” I said. She sat down and looked at
me, studying me and thinking. She sat there for almost 5 minutes, then she spoke “Wait here a minute” she said and then she got up and walked out of the room. I stood up and considered running out of the house, but I didn’t. I walked into the living room and began to look around. There were a lot of pictures on the walls and there were a LOT of pictures of a little girl. She was cute and I saw something familiar in the pictures. She had big brown eyes and brown hair and a pretty smile. After a couple of seconds I realized
she looked a lot like me! I heard the lady coming down the stairs
and I walked back into the kitchen. She came back out and had
some clothes in her arms. She set them down on the table.
“Here, take these clothes, they will fit you and now you won’t
have to steal anything off of anyone else’s clotheslines, OK?”
She set them down on the table and I could see they were girls’ clothes. I was dumbfounded! Was she playing a trick on me?
I think she picked up on my thoughts and she said “It’s OK, I mean it, you can have them, they were my little girl’s clothes and I don’t need them anymore, you can take them.”
“Is that your daughter in the pictures in the living room?” I asked.
She turned and looked at the pictures and as she turned back I could see she had tears in HER eyes. “Yes” she replied flatly.
“Oh, does she live somewhere else now?” I asked “No, she passed away in an accident while riding with her father in his truck.”
“Did he die too?” I asked. Yes, they were both killed in the accident down in Iowa.” She took a tissue and wiped her eyes.
“I’m sorry,” and I began to cry too. “I didn’t mean to make you cry ma’am,” “I just ….. “It’s ok dear, it was a few years ago, and it’s just that a mother never gets over losing her child.” I looked up at her and with my eyes tearing said “I could be your little girl!” I said genuinely trying to comfort her somehow. She turned and looked at me almost in shock and then back at the picture.
“My god, you could be her sister!” she said in amazement
as she put her hand over her mouth. “I would be a good daughter,
I like being a girl and you would like having another daughter wouldn’t you?” “Maybe… She raised her hand for me to stop talking. I knew what she meant so I shut up.
Finally she said “What IS your name dear?” she asked.
“Jackie,” I replied. “Really, Jackie, not Jack?” she asked.
“Yes, Jackie, I think someone knew and gave me a girls’ name when I was born!” I said. “Sit down Jackie,” she said.
“Do you really know the difference between boys and girls?” she asked. “Yes, pretty much” I replied. “Well sweetheart, you are a boy and you can’t change that, at least not now.” she said.
“But I AM a girl!” I protested, “I have ALWAYS known I am a girl and I can’t stop knowing that!” I said. “That’s why I have to do this stuff!” I said. “You live with your aunt and uncle?” she asked. “Yes, they know a little and they don’t like it either and when they find out about this, when you tell them, I will be sent away!” and I began to cry again.“I’m not going to tell anyone!” she assured me. “I gave you these things to wear and I want you to stop taking other’s things, But I won’t tell anyone about this.”
“Where are you going to keep you things, are you going to hide them?” she asked. “I don’t know, there is an abandoned house at the end of the street, maybe I could hide them in there and no one will find out.” I said. She looked at me and I could see her mind was racing. “Why don’t you just leave them here and you can come over and get them when you want them?” she offered.
“I could put them in your garage and then I won’t have to bother you when I get them!” I said. “No dear, you can keep them here in the house and come over and get them, they will get all mo;dy and rot away in the garage.” she said.
“Then I could come here and change clothes and be around YOU?” I said wide eyed. “Yes Dear, you can do it here.” she said I didn’t know what to say, I just sat there with my mouth hanging open and she looked at me, smiled and said “You keep you mouth open like that and you’ll get a fly in there!” she warned. I closed my mouth and smiled pretty widely. Why was she being so nice to me all of a sudden? I realized I didn’t really care why, just that someone knew about me and didn’t think I was crazy!!!
“Could I come over and DO stuff with you ?” I asked excitedly
“What KIND of stuff?” she asked. “I dunno, girl stuff I guess!”
“You mean the kinds of things little girls like to do, like tea parties,
or doing their hair?” she asked with a surprised look on her face. My face got red, “Yeah, girl things like that” I said. “I never got to do those kinds of things with my mommy and I really miss her” I said getting all teary eyed again. “I just know she would have done that with me!” I snsisted. (she probably wouldn’t have). She came over to me and held my head to hwer stomach, “Stop crying now sweetheart, it’s OK. You can come over and you and I will do GIRL THINGS together” she said. I was elated. I didn’t know what to say, or how to thank her so I just stood up and opulled her down to me and kissed her cheek, She looked surprised and she smiled, “You really are an emotional little thing aren’t you?!”
I just shrugged my shoulders and tipped my head as if to say
I guess I am. “You can call me Connie, Aunt Connie would
be best she corrected herself. “OK Aunt Connie!” I said smiling so widely that my cheeks hurt. “You should go home now and maybe you can come over tomorrow again if it’s ok with you Aunt and Uncle. Maybe you could be my little lawn boy, er, girl she corrected herself. “Then we can do “GIRL THINGS” for a little while OK?” Oh YES!, Aunt Connie I gleefully replied.
That was the start of a wonderful relationship between Connie and I.
I told my aunt and uncle I had a job mowing a lady’s lawn and pulling weeds and they seemed enthused that I had gotten a small summer job, so it was easy to go back to Connie’s again the next day. So I went back as promised and mowed her lawn and pulled the 2 or 3 weeds by the fence. Connie came out and brought me a glass of lemonade and we sat on the back stairs and admoired my work. “Well are you ready to do “Girl Stuff” she smiled as she asked. “Oh, YES Aunt Connie!” I replied. So we went into the house. I went into the kitchen and not knowing what to do, just stood there anticipating what was to happen next. “Well you can’t put on girl’s clothes all dirty like that, let’s go upstairs and you can take a shower first, She headed upstairs and I followed like a puppy. She went into the bathroom and started a shower for me.
“There’s soap and shampoo and cream rinse on the shelf there make sure you gat all squeaky clean, OK?” “OK” I replied.
I stripped down and got into the shower, wow it was HUGE!
I had never used cream rinse before and it smelled so nice and I put it on my hair and massaged it in. After I had finished, I stepped out and found the towels. They were Very large and so soft and
so nice! She came to the door and said “Wrap the towel around you sweetheart and come out and you can get dressed.” she directed. So, I remembered seeing other girls with the towel wrapped under their arms so I did the same thing and went out to her. “You’ve been watching the girls do that haven’t you ?” she asking smiling as she saw how I had the towel around me. I just smiled and followed her into the bedroom.
It was a beautiful room! all feminine and lacey. I realized this was her daughter’s room and it was definitely set up for a GIRL! The bed was made up in satiny covers and the tall posts had curtains on them. The wall paper was really feminine and the dressers were white and had jewelry boxes on them. I just stood there in awe and she moved around me. She had set out a number of items for me to wear, panties and a white camisole, a little blue dress and matching anklets. There were a pair of mary jane style shoes at the end of the bed and as she finished she walked out of the room she asked, “you know how to wear all of these things, don’t you ?” she asked. “Yes Aunt Connie.” I replied. She stepped out and closed the door behind her. I couldn’t help but go over and look in the dresser. I saw a huge amount of girls’ clothing , then I pied the pantyhose. I took them out and after putting on the panties I put them on, then the ankle his and the mary janes. After about ten minutes of staring at myself in the mirror, Connie came back up and knocked on the door. “Are you dressed Jackie?” she called. “Yes Aunt Connie!” I replied. No one had ever seen me fully dressed and I had never actually had the right clothes that really FIT! I hoped she wouldn’t notice the pantyhose on me since she hadn’t actually set them out. I wasn’t sure how she would react. She came in and smiled widely “Well, aren’t you just the cutest thing!” she said. Then she noticed the pantyhose, “Did you get them yourself she asked, the pantyhose?” “Yes Aunt Connie, I really hope you don’t mind, I really think they look nice and I LOVE the way they feel on my legs!” I said hopefully. “Well, I don’t see any problem with that, I am just surprised that you know about them, or maybe I shouldn’t be!” she smiled. “Now come downstairs and we can get started doing those “Girly Things!” she smiled and took my hand. I was so nervous never having been this fully dressed in these wonderful clothes, yet she didn’t act like she was a bit surprised. It was so great!!!
We went downstairs and into the kitchen. “I was going to bake a cake, but you probably don’t like cake DO YOU?” she asked.
I’m thinking to myself, “Are you nuts! of COURSE I like cake! Then she smiled. “Would you like to help me bake a cake sweetie?” she asked “Sure I would!” I said. So we started making the cake. She handed me a couple of cake pans and a piece of wax paper with Crisco on it. She had me grease the pans and then she showed me how she dusted the pans with flour afterwards. Then she had some on her hands and she took a finger and put some on my nose. We both laughed and then I took it and put it on my cheeks. “Why did you do that?” she asked. “Because girls put powder on their cheeks don’t they?” I asked. “Oh, you are going to be one feminine girl you are!” she said. “I know as soon as I saw the pantyhose!” “Why do you say that Aunt Connie?” I asked.
“Well sweetie, some girls are very feminine and some are not as feminine, and some are VERY feminine. All are fine, it’s just a difference in their personalities. “You seem to be like the last group. They are the ones that wear dresses more often, want to wear high heels and more feminine clothing, start wearing make up while the other girls your age could really be just as happy in jeans and a blouse or even sweatshirt. But I’d bet YOU would rather be in dresses and lacey things, wouldn’t you ?” she asked with a smile. “Yes I would, I HATE wearing just jeans and a t-shirt,
or ANY boys clothes really!” I added. “That doesn’t surprise me a bit! she said. “I have never actually met a boy who thought he was a girl before” she continued. “Do you know what they call boys that think they are girls Jackie?” “Yes they call them names and want to beat them up!” I replied. Her eyes got wide and she seemed surprised. “No sweetheart that’s not what I meant, you don’t think you are the only one that felt like this do you?”
“Well, yeah, I don’t think there can be hardly anyone else
like me !” I said. Oh Jackie, there are a lot of men and boys that are VERY MUCH like you!” she informed me. “Really!” I said in total shock. “Yes but because of the way most people feel, kind of like what you described, they don’t tell anyone else and keep it to themselves.” she said.
“I always thought I was the only one!’ I exclaimed. “No sweetheart, you are not the only one, but there aren’t many that make it known because of what I explained.” She replied
“I wonder what the others do about their problem, I mean, do they all have to hide too?”
“I am sure a lot of them do Jackie, but some don’t, you just don’t see them much, and they try to look as much like women as possible.” Connie said. “I want to look like a girl as much as possible!” I added. “Yes dear, I could tell, I could tell as soon as you put on those pantyhose and stood there in front of the mirror looking at yourself for 5 minutes.” She said. “You knew I was looking in the mirror?” I asked. “Yes dear, I noticed it was taking a little too long for you to get dressed and I came up and slowly opened the door and saw you standing there in front of the mirror, so I closed the door and knocked so I wouldn’t embarrass you. You seemed quite pleased at the way you looked in your new outfit and I didn’t want to spoil it!” she said. “Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you wait and be so selfish!” I said. “No, no dear, you didn’t, I was just as pleased to see you looking happy, I enjoyed it too!” she smiled in a way that was obvious she was telling the truth.
“Well, it’s time to take out the cake and let it cool to be frosted.” So she gave me a set of oven mits and opened the oven door. I pulled the pans out and set them on the stove top and she smiled, “You look just Betty Crocker in her kitchen sweetie.” Connie teased.
“I like to cook stuff,” I replied. “I think I would make a nice wife,” I said. Connie looked at me wide eyed, “You don’t have much problem saying girl things in front of me, do you talk like that in front of anyone else Jackie?” she asked.
“Oh no Aunt Connie, I have never talked like this in front of ANYONE else, EVER,
“I guess since you kind of make me feel like I am OK, I just can talk to you like I really feel I guess, I don’t mean to say things that make you angry or something.”
“It’s ok Jackie, I am just surprised that you can be this open with me, it’s as if you were a plugged up stream and finally you are flowing out, everything just seems to flood out when you talk to me. You have wanted to tell somebody about this for a long time haven’t you?” she asked. “Well, yes, but I never had anyone else I thought I could tell before and always thought they would tell on me or something like that!” I said.
“You know I promised that this is OUR secret and you remember that. I will never tell anyone, and you can’t either, understand?” “I wouldn’t tell if someone wanted to cut out my tongue if I didn’t!” I said emphatically. I knew then I had a friend I could never
have found again and that she was a woman that also needed her daughter and in me she found that to a small extent. I turned to her, reached over and put the oven mits on the table, and then I wrapped my arms around her waist and hugged her, so tight, she moaned a little. “Jackie, you are going to squeeze the stuffing out of me if you are not careful dear!” she warned with a smile. I just looked up at her smiling face and put my head to her chest and hugged her for a moment more. “I really wish I could come and be here with you forever Aunt Connie!” I said in total seriousness. “I know dear, she replied and you can be here as much as you can, but you remember you have another home to go to and they would miss you if you left.” She said. “Oh, I don’t think they would even notice I was gone, I bet I could tell them I wanted to leave and they would say OK!” I said. “Jackie, I hope you know that, is not really true, they would miss you very much I am sure!” she tried to assure me. “No, I am pretty sure my aunt for sure would like it if I wasn’t around anymore. She kind of hates me, since I am different.” I told her. She looked down at me sadly and said, “Then she doesn’t know the little girl I know, any mother would love to have a little girl so intent on being like her mother and being so girlish.” She said. “Yeah, but she won’t let me be her little girl, she already has one and I would just be getting in the way.” I said stoically.
Connie held me to her chest for a second, then pulled me back by the shoulders, “I guess I have a special girl all to myself then!” she said smiling and looking at me in my girlish attire, like a little Suzy Homemaker.
I cannot express just how much that meant to me. I would have done ANYTHING for that lady. But she asked nothing of me, and just seemed to enjoy having a little girl around her, even if it was more of a mirage than a reality.
We finished the cake and she even let me attempt frosting it, though I tore the cake open with the spatula and glopped frosting on the counter and on me and on her. We finally got it finished and it almost looked edible and we had such fun doing it, I wasn’t too sure I wanted it to be cut and eaten. It was the first thing I had ever accomplished dressed as a girl and I felt like I had done nothing short of cold fusion.
Sure, it was a nothing thing, a simple cake, but it was much more to me. I had done something girlish, in girls clothing, with the approval of someone else, AN ADULT!
Someone that knew me as Jackie and seemed to still like me. I was as close to heaven as I could possibly reach here on earth.
It was getting late in the afternoon and Connie realized I had better be getting changed back into my boy stuff and go home. “You better change out of your feminine things and head on home now sweetheart. I don’t want you to get into trouble for being late.”
I knew she was right so I headed upstairs to change. Obviously she could see the utter disappointment on my face and she followed me up the stairs. “Sweetheart, please don’t look so upset, I said you could come back and do this again, how about next weekend?” “I would really like that” I said. So I changed back into the dreaded boy clothes and went sadly home to my aunt and uncle’s house. I made sure to roll around in the dirt a little and get a bit more typical boy dirty and went into their house.
“Any luck?” my uncle asked. “No, a few little ones, but I bet I’ll do better if I can go next weekend!” I said setting up the next time to be at Connie’s. “Sure you can, I’m sure you’ll find a better spot next time!” he smiled and attempted to make me feel better.
I went downstairs to my room and sat down on my bed, I felt so depressed now, back in boy clothes. I sat there and cried for about 30 minutes, until I heard someone coming down the stairs. I straightened up and wiped the tears away and made like I was doing something. I heard a knock on the door and my Uncle came in. “Are you alright Jackie?” he asked. “Yes, I’m ok, why?” I attempted to make it like I was just fine.“You seems a little upset, is there something wrong?” “No, there’s nothing wrong,
I just am bummed out I couldn’t catch what I was hoping for” I lied. “Oh, ok, nothing else?” he asked. “No just that, I CAN go back and try again next weekend can’t I?” I asked again. “Sure son, that’s not a problem, as long as you are careful!” he cautioned. He didn’t need to worry about me at all, because I was going to be at Connie’s WITH an adult, just not doing what they thought I would be doing.
remember to tell the special people in your life, just how much you care....