I would like to say that from the young age of 12 and perhaps unnoticed at younger ages I have expressed the desire to become a woman. I have fantasized being in a room locked up with only mirrors around me and as I stare into them I turned into a woman slowly and I liked the feeling. It induced a certain feeling of euphoria. It has been going off and on for a good 7 years but I think currently is at it's peak where I have even gotten excited at the fact of becoming feminized growing boobs, losing penis, face becoming feminine, and hair growing. These all turn me on subconsciously. It is hard to explain I perceive myself to be a guy but sometimes my feelings overpower these perceptions. Its like I am trying to find a higher form of self consciousness. When I start getting the euphoric feeling of becoming a woman I don't mind being a man but inside I would much rather be a woman. Its wierd that I say this but this thought keeps recurring no matter how masculine I try to think I am I always find myself finding an inner calm when I think of myself being a woman. Then when I start thinking this my mind wants to think more like a woman and act like one. Then my mind finds discomfort in realizing that I can't truly do so because of my male body and then I start conflicting myself mentally. I usually develop a sense of cognitive dissonance and I start hating women and the inner feminine spirit because I wish to see myself as male. It is especially hard to cope with because my parents would not understand my feelings. They would think I am perverse. But this has been occurring since the beginning of puberty so I have no reason to believe there is any perverse reasoning for it. I just need some help on the issue.

Hiya, I can’t talk to you about your feelings because only you experience them so only you can choose how to live your life. What I can say, is that you live in a society where you have the freedom to be who you are. I would try not to right off your parents so quickly as people are a lot more tolerant towards different people these days. Whoever coined the phrase "freedom of speech" is an idiot because we live in a society that enjoys freedom from fear and oppression, which negates freedom of speech, and a lot more people understand that and respect others for who they are. Your parents can offer advice and help guide you to make good choices in life but they can’t turn you into the person they want you to be. Your parents don’t need to understand who you are; they just need to accept you as their child and as a human being. If your parents are intolerant then at some stage in your life you will realise that you don’t need people who don’t respect you as a human being.

Once you stop trying to pigeonhole yourself and stop living up to other peoples expectations or seek their acceptance then you will find you are living very happy and content with just being yourself and you will find the people around you are the quality people you enjoy having around

Have you thought about seeing a psychiatrist who has experience in gender issues? The psychiatrist will not determine who you are as no one can do that but yourself. What they will do is help you explore your feelings and help you decide what they mean to you so you have a better understanding on how to proceed in living a happy life.

Hugs
Penny
x

Wilhelm,
First off, welcome to GS. Although each of us is an individual, the feelings you have expressed sound similar to many others. I think as we grow up we start putting the puzzle pieces together to better understand our feelings and what if anything they mean for our future. Like Penny mentioned, it doesn't hurt to see a therapist who can help you make sense of what you are feeling. As for your parents, many of us have experienced the fear of rejection and sometimes it is real, but often it is a false fear we burden ourselves with. I don't know how your relationship is now with your parents, but try developing one where you can talk about what is really going on in your life. Penny mentioned that your parents just might accept this, you won't ever know if you don't work towards telling them.

I also see according to your profile you are from Savannah, GA like myself. Although we are in the Bible Belt, I have found the vast majority of people here to be accepting or at least tolerant of my circumstances. We do have the fundamentalists here who believe everyone other themselves are evil, but they are few and far between.

Best wishes,
Marsha