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Getting back in the closet

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  • I was trying to think of a better forum to post in but the "Coming out" just didn't seem right and there was no "Going back in" forum.

    Transsexuality is a strange thing… During the transformation process you live openly as a transsexual where friends, colleagues and other people know that you are a transsexual and they may or may not accept you for being one.
    I have come to think a lot about this during the past few months as the problem of who knows about me and who doesn’t is getting more and more frustrating.
    For instance, I go to a party and someone says “who was that girl? She was really sweet” and someone else replies “Oh, that’s Hanna, she’s sweet but just so you know, she is a transsexual”. Some things are said about me with the best intentions such as “That’s Hanna over there, can you even imagine she wasn’t born a woman?”.
    I am beginning to find this very frustrating and I have plans to eventually go into stealth mode. I have started to break up with a lot of not so close friends that I do not trust to keep my secret while my best friends knows that they are not to tell anyone that I am a transsexual. If they are asked about it they will simply say something like “Not that I know of, why do you think that?”.
    I am thinking of moving, not very far but just to get away from my old neighbourhood. I have plans to get a new job and I also made plans about changing my phone number and get a protected identity to keep people from accidentally finding out who I once was and to keep old friends from contacting me.
    The problem is that I’m not sure how to make the plan work… I don’t want to find myself in a situation where I have to do it all over again just because my secret accidentally slipped out.
    I’m not there yet and it mwill probably be another year or so before I trust myself and my surrounding well enough to pull the stealth trick off.

    I was wondering if anyone has any tips, ideas or perhaps experience in doing this. I have been talking a lot with my psychiatrist and coordinator at the gender clinic about this but if anyone has any first hand information, I’d very much like to learn a few Dos and Don’ts.

    The one advice I don’t want is to be open and proud of who and what I am, that just isn’t what I want for myself. I want as few people as possible to know about my history.

    Kind Regards,
    Hanna
      August 16, 2006 12:24 PM BST
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    Hi Hanna

    First your not going back. Your going forward or want to.
    I see what your saying we don't look at a butterfly & think of the cocoon. To complete what you started you need to move past the TS tag & be the woman you are.
    I had a simular problem with being an addict. I changed my life but to those that new me I was allways going to be that.
    They wouldn't let me get past it because they wouldn't let it go.
    What I did was simple realy. I got a new job with out telling anyone where. Then without saying a word I left my old life behind to start over. If my life was ever going to move forward I had to. I didn't move far enough to not be able to see my family but I won't run into any old friends.
    I go to different malls, clubs, everything.
    I did call an old friend after being here for a couple of years. One of the first things he wanted to talk about was my addiction. I've never called another person from my past again. I'll never forget what I am but I don't have to wear a sign.
    Anyway thats how I did it.
    Good Luck
    <p>Karen Brad</p>
      August 16, 2006 2:53 PM BST
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  • 588
    “To be a poet at twenty is to be twenty: to be a poet at forty is to be a poet” -- Eugene Delacroix
      August 16, 2006 9:41 PM BST
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    I moved about an hrs drive away. I moved from the southwest suburbs of Detroit to the northern subs.
    None of my old friends are going to be around here. Theres no reason to be. But I can stay in touch with with my family.
    <p>Karen Brad</p>
      August 16, 2006 10:09 PM BST
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  • There are those for whom stealth is not an option, but you are one of the ones who can actually pull it off. I know you just want to get on with your life, and you've every right to do so. I agree that relocation and a new job are probably key to success in this endeavor.

    I hope you are successful, Hanna, but I also hope that you will not forget your friends here. I know that I would miss you terribly if I thought we'd never speak again.
      August 16, 2006 11:37 PM BST
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  • It seems you have already addressed the one big issue - if you move away, will the cycle start all over again? The same "problems" you have now will merely resurface later. You know what is best for you. Just please think things through.

    Mere
    You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant.
      August 17, 2006 12:22 AM BST
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  • Hanna,

    I had to "disappear" once for other reasons. We actually moved in two stages with a tail car and getting on and off and on freeways to make sure we were not followed. We had mail sent to a false address that was a P.O. Box (we can't do that now due to US Postal regulation changes) This kept people from gettng fowarding address through the post office. Getting a mail box address for all your mail and changing it over directly rather than through a fowarding address at post office would be laborious but more secure. Despite a great deal of care, I found out that people were able to find me in ways I never considered. District Attorneys were able to get me via vehicular records like drivers license and car registration. This means any court officer (lawyer ) could. Also there are companies who accumulate and sell your personal information...not always legally. Grocery store discount cards. Subscriptions. Professional memberships. Hobbies. All kinds of things you don't think about normally. Most of those won't effect you but I recommend looking at all kinds of little details in your life. You are going to be putting a lot of effort into this. You might want to buy one of those "Get a new identity" books the right-wing are fond of. They probably have some good tips on how to "disappear". It's a lot of work and should be easier if you preplan. We had to move in under a week. If some employer does a background check on you in the future (or someone else) it's likely to expose you. They know stuff about my life I don't even remember. I checked after I found out they had information on my entire life.

    Good luck.
    "A live lived in fear is a life half-lived." - Native American proverb. "Inside every man is a woman who was drowned in testosterone before birth". - Wendy Jeanette Larsen "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." - Andre Gide (French writer)
      August 17, 2006 3:21 AM BST
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  • I cannot disappear or live in stealth in a country like Finland, where nearly everybody knows everybody, if around some corners. I luckily got my new home in a very good point of my process, I could start living there as Laura from the very beginning. So, my neighbours know me as a woman. My job has stayed the same, but people retire or change jobs, now the majority in my office know me only as Laura. The time works for me. And I don´t care about the gossips or talks behind my back. Obviously there has been very little talks going around. I have a few spies who would have said to me right away if there is something going on.

    Laura
      August 17, 2006 8:46 AM BST
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  • Hanna--

    Blessings!

    I'm not going to tell you what to do here. Just some advice.

    Basically my advice is this: If you are resuming full life as your male self, or living fulltime as Hanna--then make as clean a break as you can with your past.

    If you do things halfway, you'll end up in the soup.

    Luv 'n hugs,

    Dr. Mina Sakura
    "Almost-Angel, T-Girl Genius, and Ultra-Flirt"
    Living as the woman I am!
      August 21, 2006 11:03 PM BST
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  • Hi all!

    Karen,
    I agree that your past situation is similar and I think what you did is about what I want to do, at least for now.
    I have some time (all the time in the world) to think about how deep I want to bury my past and perhaps doing enough is what it takes. As long as I figure out what "enough" means to me...

    Robyn,
    I doubt that I will "break up" with my friends I have over the internet. I can always create a new account, delete my picture and then tell you about it. It's not like you can actually sell me out to anyone I know since we don't have any common RL friends anyway. *hugs* Don't worry, I don't even know myself yet!

    Wendy,
    You are right and I have thought about those issues a while too. I'm not sure how far I want to take the hiding thing yet; To bury it as deep as I can and to break most bonds or to bury it deep enough so that no one will find out easily. Your advice is great, read up on how people have succeeded before and disregard that our backgrounds and reasons differ... We still want about the same result. Thank you!

    Laura,
    I am happy that you are happy but don't forget that Helsinki is less than half the size of Stockholm and Finland has about half the population that Sweden has.
    It is probably possible to disapear here but you may bump into someone by accident I guess... How many of my old colleagues (from 5 years ago) have I seen down town? Just two, and they didn't regognize me of course.

    Minako,
    Thank you for advicing but I'd like it even better if you actually read my post first

    Thank you everyone for taking your time to answer this post and I got some good advice and it also made me think about things from new angles.

    Love,
    Hanna
      August 22, 2006 9:38 PM BST
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    I thank you too, Hanna, for your educating post.
    “To be a poet at twenty is to be twenty: to be a poet at forty is to be a poet” -- Eugene Delacroix
      August 22, 2006 9:48 PM BST
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  • Hanna--

    I DID read your post; but simply misunderstood it. Based on the replies you got, it appears I messed up big time. My apologies, but I stay with my answer for now. (I have my reasons, dear. Our situations are somewhat similar.)

    Your responses to Karen and Wendy are right on the mark, however, and I want to encourage you in any way, shape or form I can.

    Dr. Mina Sakura
    Living as the woman I am!
      August 22, 2006 11:25 PM BST
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  • 588
    Just for the record: My first comment on this thread was meant to be supportive. But as my efforts seemed wasted, i deleted it. Just in case anyone wonders why that post is empty.
    “To be a poet at twenty is to be twenty: to be a poet at forty is to be a poet” -- Eugene Delacroix
      August 22, 2006 11:42 PM BST
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  • 588
    It's actually the first time i have been doing that, but for some reason it felt so right. I have been considering the same thing earlier, with all of my posts in fact - deleting every single one of them. Don't ask me why.
    “To be a poet at twenty is to be twenty: to be a poet at forty is to be a poet” -- Eugene Delacroix
      August 22, 2006 11:46 PM BST
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  • 588
    As if anyone would, or cared.

    My words

    Well, they are not my words. But i do share some of Hanna's impressions. A few anyway.
    “To be a poet at twenty is to be twenty: to be a poet at forty is to be a poet” -- Eugene Delacroix
      August 22, 2006 11:53 PM BST
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    Sabina your post was supportive. I don't think there was any misunderstanding.
    Don't go back & delete any post. Our old post show who we were & how we've progressed here.
    <p>Karen Brad</p>
      August 23, 2006 2:07 AM BST
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  • Yes...recognizing is the point. People who haven´t seen me during the 3 last years CANNOT recognize me any more. I have faced very funny situations where at seminars old friends have come to me in order to introduce themselves as new people. Sometimes I must be very careful when greeting people, because I am not sure if they are "new" or "old" aqcuaintances.
    During the last two years this situation has cleared up, since the majority know already me as Laura.

    Laura
      August 23, 2006 8:07 AM BST
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  • Sabina,

    That thread you mentioned, "My Words", deserved a better ending... One sentance in it got discussed over and over and after 2 days it got suspended. I don't think I received any real response to it besides a few really angry private emails.
    It took me a good hour to write that and I still think it deserved to live on...

    But this thread isn't about my old threads so let's just leave it for discussing stealth from now on.
      August 23, 2006 9:22 PM BST
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  • I found this great page by a MTF called Donna Rose.
    She had a good story about "stealth" that made me think about some issues involved that I hadn't thought of until then.
    Here is a link to it:

    http://www.donnarose.com/[...]lth.htm
      September 7, 2006 10:14 AM BST
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