Forum » Gender Society Public Forums » Transgender Fun » A Shopping Trip to Remember

A Shopping Trip to Remember

Tags : None
  • Moderator
    2 2627
    Went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to St yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it again the next day, both of your as cheeks WILL fall off.

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after
    two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
    'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanero peppers swimming their
    way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create
    the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as
    thunder and lightning.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of
    just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery
    store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

    Upon entering the store, at first all seemed normal. I selected a
    cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It
    wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms
    that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what
    I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that
    always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this
    pain was different.

    The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a
    revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through
    the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestine,
    and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms,
    which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a
    warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly
    enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been
    recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might
    escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower
    part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just
    as an elderly woman turned into the isle.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
    reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to
    dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever
    been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and
    I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

    I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched
    as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of
    odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses
    and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about
    her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course,
    made me feel terrible, but then it made me laugh. Mistake.

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things
    'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an
    explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and
    echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,
    fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced
    off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the
    whole way, praying that I'd make it before the 'grand mal' assplosion
    took place.

    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
    began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat
    because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while
    I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He
    made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then
    quickly left.

    Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
    cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store
    employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for
    a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the
    store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute
    or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

    That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
    escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
    cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted,
    'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I
    was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too
    kindly not to return.

    Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was
    nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The
    next day I went to shop at Safeway. I can't say anymore about that
    because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going
    to have to repaint the store...
    <p>Karen Brad</p>
      July 19, 2008 4:06 PM BST
    0
  • OMG!!!!!!!! And you admit to it, lol.
    Hugs, Marsha
      July 19, 2008 8:11 PM BST
    0
  • Moderator
    2 2627
    It's just a story hun.
    <p>Karen Brad</p>
      July 19, 2008 8:13 PM BST
    0

  • "It's just a story hun" ..............................

    Thank Gawd !!!

    That's a relief ........................ literally !!! lol.

    Hugs,
    Angela. xx.
    What matter if I stand alone? I wait with joy the coming years; My heart shall reap where it has sown, And garner up it's fruit of tears.
      July 19, 2008 8:24 PM BST
    0
  • I know, I know. Problem is I can actually vision you doing that, lol.
    Hugs, Marsha
      July 19, 2008 8:59 PM BST
    0
  • Hi Karen,
    Great Story....(if it is just a story).

    BTW: are you actually allowed back in that Wal-Mart? (he...he....)

    Hugz,
    MichelleLynn




      July 20, 2008 4:43 AM BST
    0
  • 734
    well, Karen hunni, your current icon [large eyed kitten] DOES look a little guilty...



    Much love

    Rae xx
    www.raekelcou.com
      July 21, 2008 1:06 AM BST
    0
  • hilarious!!! i beta not say i can vividly relate to the story.
    Just an ordinary girl finding her way in this strange life. - What will it take to get everyone to realise that everyone else is also a human being that deserves just as much respect? - How does someone tell their doctor they have hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia? - When I was a student I specialised in Alcopology. It always starts with Alco and always ends with pology. - Waiter! There's a hare in my rabbit pie!
      August 14, 2008 9:57 AM BST
    0