I am seeing 8 gentlemen every day..



As soon as I wake up,

Will Power helps me get out of bed

Then I go to see John .

Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis
shows up and; stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with
Ben Gay. What a life!

Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer

and thinking of calling
JACK DANIELS or
JOHNNY WALKER to come to keep me company.

Now remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper ...the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes...

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Very Short Story

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day:
If men would just listen

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter , as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave , the little one said , "But Grandma , you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was , and I told him , 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment , and then he asked , "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed , a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious , her patience grew thin. Finally , she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room , putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room , she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice , "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony.. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed , taking this all in. At last she said , "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked , "Grandma , do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said , "No , how are we alike?'' "You're both old , " he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know , " she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet , so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me , so I continued. At last , she headed for the door , saying , "Grandma , I think you should try to figure out some of these , yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin , we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still , a few fireflies followed us in.
Noticing them before I did , Billy whispered , "It's no use Grandpa.
Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was , I teasingly replied , "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear , Grandpa , " he advised , "mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother , "Grandma , guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother , more than a little surprised , tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting , " she said , "how do you make babies?"
"It's simple , " replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant , " said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure , " said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back , " said one child. "No , " said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close.” They use the dogs , " she said firmly , "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.. "Oh , " he said , "she lives at the airport , and when we want her , we just go get her. Then , when we're done having her visit , we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things , but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

Oh I wish I had boobs that would wobble
Mine just stay still in one place
In the breast hall of fame
You won't see my name
For my boobs there would be a disgrace

Sure boobs of my size have their merit
They're easy to fit with a bra
And when I go for a dip
You won't see one slip…out
They stay put…just where they are

And I'm not one to seek much attention
So you won't find me strutting about
In a boob tube that's trying
by gravity defying
to leave no room, not even for doubt

But I sure envy big breasted women
I've seen them at parties you know
With all confidence thrust
In their mighty big bust
Entrancing the men as they go

Though I've heard from a big bosomed buddy
That it's not all it's cracked up to be
She says in frustration
"Try to hold conversation
When there's only two things a guy sees"

Now if I paid a few grand to enlarge them
To, say thirty-six b or c
Would they still look so natural
And could I class them as collateral
Sorta like home improvements on me

Now I've not taken this boob thing just lightly
I've done quite a bit of research
As I try to keep abreast
In my mammary quest
I've found there's a bit to be learned

There's questions that need to be answered
Like cleavage, how wide and how deep
I can have nipples bigger
But somehow I figured
That could poke Sweetie's eye in his sleep

Oh, I wish I had boobs that were awesome
I'd buy a bright red bathing suit
On the beach I would run
In slow motion for fun
To show off my best attribute

Now don't think I'd just get them for vanity
There's much I'd aspire to do
I could feed many babies
When I was lactating
And for convenience, I could offer drive-thru

In a t-shirt I'd test air conditioning
They could 'see' if they had it too low
And if I stood outside
My breasts pumped up with pride
Police'd use me to stop traffic flow

Well you can see I've a lot to consider
For the big plunge, I need some more time
So I'll keep you updated
But for now they're just fated
To stay as they are for a while

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

The Difference Between Small Breasts and Large Breasts
Women with big breasts…
•..can get a taxi on the worst days
•..have a neat place to carry spare change
•..have always been the centre of the arts
•..make jogging a spectator sport
•..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
•..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
•..always float better
•..know where to look first for lost earrings
•..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
•..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

Women with small breasts…
•..don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
•..always look younger
•..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
•..can always see their toes and shoes
•..can sleep on their stomachs
•..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
•..know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
•..can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle
•..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He ...
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians ...

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference
between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially' , you and I are sitting on Three million dollars .

But 'realistically' , we're just living with two hookers and a queer.

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..."

We haven't used Sears repair since.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I kn ow, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.



IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS .


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham
, Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS .


IDIOT SIGHTING:

I attended a "good-bye" luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that "deer-in-the-headlights" stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS .



When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL, I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge." He nodded his head and said "Cool!"