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Outing your friends

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  • http://slog.thestranger.c[...]the-day

    This is a letter and a response on the topic of Outing someone you know. I know that avoiding this is a dance I perform more frequently each year. "He" or "She", "William" or "Michelle", the chances of making a mistake when someone is not Out and you know them by their transgendered identity for the most part, is significant and studiously to be avoided. One small slip could seriously impact someone's life by costing them their job, marriage, family, privacy. I have even developed "contingency explainations" for people I know to cover up if I mess up. "Oh, that is their online game character's name", for example. However, there are times when it can be difficult to know whether it is OK to talk about someone as if they were Out. Recently, I found myself trying to spontaneously meet a TW member and suddenly realized I did not remember if they were definitely Out at work, though I certainly had hints that they were. I gave a different name to her co-workers and avoided the chance of an Outing by hoping I would stumble across her in an immense building. This near miss upset me a great deal and started me thinking. So here is an article on the topic. I am interested in what the rest of you think about this issue.


    Have you ever unintentionally or unthinkingly Outed another person, without malice or intent?
    1: Yes
    2: No
    3: Almost
    "A live lived in fear is a life half-lived." - Native American proverb. "Inside every man is a woman who was drowned in testosterone before birth". - Wendy Jeanette Larsen "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." - Andre Gide (French writer)
      October 2, 2009 5:06 AM BST
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  • Wendy, I suspect that the question could also be supplemented by 'Have you ever unintentionally outed yourself'. In my case, there is greater risk of this circumstance.
    Rachel
    a girl at heart and a proper person too
      October 2, 2009 1:32 PM BST
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  • Some time back I had a friend who was outing me to his kids, friends, etc. I asked him to please stop. At first he said "I thought you were all proud about this." I had to remind him that pride was not the issue. I was not fully out, and didn't want my kid to know until I felt she was ready. I had to tell him that coming out is something for ME to do, not him. There are people walking around out now there who know my business and have no right to it. When I am fully out (almost there!) it won't matter. But for now I still have to be a little careful and he was making that difficult for me.

    Just a side note - this is the same friend I lived with 4 years ago after my ex kicked me out. While he helped in some ways, he was a pain in so many others.
    You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant.
      October 2, 2009 1:35 PM BST
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  • Interesting Wendy, I don't have regular face to face contact with any girls here so the chances of outing them are pretty slim. However, I have unwittingly signed the wrong name on emails and sent them. No one has come back to me and questioned that oddly enough but then, it's pretty obvious I'm out myself. At work,, it's an unspoken 'known', lol.

    I can emphasise with the guy in the article though, I don't really see that he did anything wrong, and certainly what he said was without malice, there was never any intention to out the girl.

    Would it bother me? No, but maybe I'm just thick skinned. If, for example, I finally underwent SRS, I would not be hiding my past life away pretending it didn't happen. It's part of me after all.

    Nikki
    Every woman is beautiful, some show it with their faces, others show it with their hearts.
      October 2, 2009 2:59 PM BST
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  • I made it quite clear to the people I came Out to that I wished to reserve the right to tell other people about Wendy so that I could approach it from my pre-planned scenario with the large amount of knowledge that I have about the subject in general and me in particular. I think it is a good way to minimize others outing you because they think it is OK because you told them. In essence, I reduced the chance of them intentionally passing on the info with possible damage to me and others. Still, it is best to be ready because you can not put the Genie back in the bottle. My approach is to simply not discuss other people's lives without there express permission.
    "A live lived in fear is a life half-lived." - Native American proverb. "Inside every man is a woman who was drowned in testosterone before birth". - Wendy Jeanette Larsen "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." - Andre Gide (French writer)
      October 2, 2009 3:36 PM BST
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  • Irony of this post is that I have been outed by a TW member who mentioned me to a relative, who in turn, mentioned to another relative, and thus the chain has begun. Has caused some real pain thus far with little chance of slowing down the rolling locomotive. Guess I shouldn't have been surprised as putting oneself on the 'net is the equivilent of an open book.

    I'm not even going to bother trying to put the genie back in the bottle.

    Traci
    <p>Traci</p>
      October 2, 2009 3:44 PM BST
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  • 2 2627
    That's why I had to open a seperate Facebook acount. A lot of my family are on my friends list. A lot of them are teens. Some of the responces I was getting confused them & they would ask questions. So now I have an acount for Karen & one for my other self.
    Before my depression I use to talk to a few girls from here including you Wendy. There were times I wanted to call but couldn,t remember the name you told me to use if someone else were to answer. I didn't want to make a mistake & out you to someone I didn't know.
    <p>Karen Brad</p>
      October 2, 2009 3:51 PM BST
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  • That is a shame, Traci. It is also why I do not discuss someone's business with another person. You never know. I have run into some situations where people, who I had never met before, knew an acquaintance. I remembered Mere having a similar problem, as she reported. There are some people who just like to gossip.
    "A live lived in fear is a life half-lived." - Native American proverb. "Inside every man is a woman who was drowned in testosterone before birth". - Wendy Jeanette Larsen "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." - Andre Gide (French writer)
      October 2, 2009 5:15 PM BST
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  • Wendy,

    I do not believe this was done with any malice, for the part of the country the TW girl was from is remote and has a small GLBT community. In chat, I had mentioned that my family was rooted from her neck of the woods and we had a little chat about it, etc...but she then had run into a lesbian cousin of mine, mentioned something about a girl from Va. who had ties to that area, etc. ( me ) My cousin then spoke with another cousin and the next thing you know, it had reached the west coast, where I was BLASTED by the rest of the family. Fortunately for me, it hasn't hit my home yet, but I'm always looking over my shoulder now...it's not like I didn't think this was ever going to happen though and I knew what I was getting into and the risks involved in coming online. Maybe it's an inner desire to be outed and thus pave the way to FT transition? I don't know...life goes on and I'm totally OK with me regardless of the consequences now...

    traci
    <p>Traci</p>
      October 2, 2009 5:36 PM BST
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  • Wendy,
    Interesting post, and one that should be discussed.
    There are many ways to accidentally out someone. I have been outed, by other people ( unknowingly) in the community here. Like I said , unknowingly, they would call my cell, and this is my part in all this. I have a hearing problem, so I have my phone on a higher volume setting. Most of the time this is not an issue, but if people around you have a very good sense of hearing they pick up the hi Tammy...hummmm....they look at me sort of puzzled, and sometimes question this. Most of the time I just put it off with a number of excuses. But my wife says she always hears it, but that is not the problem. Problem will arise if that happens again with the same friends around. I just found out a good friend of mine has very good hearing even though he is over 60, although I have taken calls in front of him, he just never questions it. I do believe he knows I have a private life and leaves it there.
    Most of time, I just try and not answer the phone when it's a T friend calling, with other people are around.
    Tammy
    <p>A life without purpose, is a life without reason!</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;myspace.com/tammybrianne</p>
      October 2, 2009 6:23 PM BST
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  • I've never outed someone else.

    However...I once, inadvertantly, sent an email to a mailing list on which I participate as a guy from my Jenette email account. I had to think fast and covered myself by saying it was from a friend's computer and didn't realize I was in her email account...blah, blah, blah...they seemed to buy it.

    The worst, by far, though, was the time in the Navy where I was discovered dressed en femme by the guy in the room next to me, with whom I shared a bathroom. For the life of me, I thought I had locked the door on his side. No such luck, though. Luckily, I managed to talk him not to pass on what he had seen. That could have been a true disaster.
    -Jessi-
      October 2, 2009 8:20 PM BST
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  • Hi Jenette
    a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
    Reminds me of donkeys years ago when I was in hospital for months after bad accident and parnets brough a parcel that had arrived...wehn I thought everyone was asleep and ward nurse was busy at her desk I just had to open the parcel and slip into the new bouse and feel feminine after several weeks of being in a male ward...hard to imagine the embarrassment of being caught...but we just gotta do it...
      October 3, 2009 11:03 AM BST
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  • BTW, has anyone been able to see the results of the Poll? I have not.
    "A live lived in fear is a life half-lived." - Native American proverb. "Inside every man is a woman who was drowned in testosterone before birth". - Wendy Jeanette Larsen "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." - Andre Gide (French writer)
      October 4, 2009 7:01 PM BST
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  • 2 2627
    The first time I was in the hospital. I was still in intensive care & Mere called to find out how I was doing since I hadn't called her to let her know anything. All she could do was leave a message for me with the nurse. When the nurse asked for a name she said Meredith. Later when the nurse gave me the message she had a funny look on her face she asked if I knew a guy that called himself Meredith. I told her it was a joke between friends. But from that time on she assumed I was gay.
    <p>Karen Brad</p>
      October 4, 2009 7:17 PM BST
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  • I have been outted by my best friend. At the time, I was shocked, mad, and scared - but as time has past (7 years) it hasn't mattered. I am still not out other than to my wife and a few close friends, or at least that's what I think. My friend keeps telling me that I'm not fooling anyone.

    I have accidentally outted myself to my boss on at least 3 occasions, but I think he chooses to ignore what he's seen. On two occasions when I was working alone on the weekends he dropped in - once he caught me in a pair of obviously women's flats at which time he asked why I was wearing my wife's shoes - the second time I was wearing ladies jeans which I probably could have gotten away with except he saw me from behind and noticed I didn't have any back pockets. Neither time did I offer any explanation other than turning a brilliant crimson. The third time I messed up was when I had forwarded my hotmail accounts to my Jeri account, which is the one I checked most. He sent me an email, which I answered - I didn't realize until the second after I hit send that my return address was Jeri's and not the one he had sent it too - OMG! He asked me about it the next day at work and I just told him it was one I used when I needed to register for stuff so I wouldn't get junk in the one I actually used.
    He's not a dummy, and I'm sure he knows something but we both ignore it - and I still have my job.

    I have never outted anyone and I wouldn't do it on purpose, but I can see how it can happen accidentally.

    Jeri


    Jeri Elaine “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” - Irina Dunn, 1970 Indecision is the key to flexibility. - unknown
      October 4, 2009 10:28 PM BST
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  • I have never outed anyone but myself with my voice.
    Having been beaten up for not being a real woman I know how dangerous it can be and so never have and never would "out" someone. Even an enemy. Because once that information is out in the open it simply can't be undone. If I were to out someone say in a town or something or a neighborhood they would have to leave and that to me would just not be right.
    But that's me.


    Stephenie
      October 5, 2009 8:00 AM BST
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