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Perhaps I won't do law?

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  • ERM...............................




    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?



    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.



    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?



    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.



    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you sh!tting me?



    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting l***.



    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?



    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.



    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.



    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.



    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.



    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.



    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.



    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?



    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law



    Cristine
    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      April 12, 2010 8:38 AM BST
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  • Moderator
    2 2627
    I've read a couple of those before. Scary!
    What does sperm & a lawer have in common?
    Some day both may be human.
    <p>Karen Brad</p>
      April 12, 2010 9:23 AM BST
    0
  • So funny, I really hope I never need someone like that defending me!

    Nikki
    Every woman is beautiful, some show it with their faces, others show it with their hearts.
      April 13, 2010 2:48 PM BST
    0
  • PMSL Nikki.

    Always wonder why, Lawyers and doctors were termed as practicing, Should I need one, I definately want one thats acomplished, not just practicing.

    And what is a practicing homosexual???? There again, lol if the need arose I would want somone that is at the least competant.


    Cristine
    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      April 13, 2010 4:26 PM BST
    0
  • Moderator
    2 2627
    Ounces of brain for sale
    A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

    "How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

    "Three dollars an ounce."

    "How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

    "Four dollars an ounce."

    "How much for lawyer brain?"

    "$1,000 an ounce."

    "Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

    "Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
    <p>Karen Brad</p>
      April 15, 2010 12:36 PM BST
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  • OMG Christine, I have never had any luck with lawyers, I think your post, finally gives a reason for this seemly unfortunate luck. Ironically, I wondered which side was was the most incompetent.
    Until my last mediation hearing, I was told my lawyer was the best in his field...then I knew I was in trouble. I pondered for a moment, and thought, maybe my luck was not so bad, if he was the best, my god, what must the worst be like.

    Tammy
    <p>A life without purpose, is a life without reason!</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;myspace.com/tammybrianne</p>
      April 20, 2010 5:23 AM BST
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