Doctor Jokes

    • Moderator
    • 2627 posts
    May 3, 2011 9:26 AM BST

    Pay Attention


    First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

    For example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his student. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

    When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "the second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention"!
  • May 4, 2011 9:30 AM BST

    Three doctors were standing around and started talking about which patients were the easiest to operate on.
    The first doctor says Germans, because everything inside is neat and orderly and always in its place.
    The second doctor said Japanese patients, because you open them up and all there is is a circuit board to interchange.
    No! No! You're both wrong, said the third doctor, Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. They,re gutless. The only organs they have are lips and assholes -- and those are interchangeable!

  • May 5, 2011 1:14 AM BST

    too funny

    • Moderator
    • 2627 posts
    May 5, 2011 11:17 AM BST

    Doctors Never Laugh
    Before the examination, Scott asked the doctor if they ever laughed at their patients' problems. 

    The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient. 

    'Okay then,' Scott said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery. 

    Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?' 

    It's swollen,' Scott replied.

    This post was edited by Karen Brad at May 5, 2011 11:18 AM BST
  • June 4, 2011 6:41 PM BST

    Or What?

    A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

    The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

    Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

    The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

  • June 24, 2011 1:08 PM BST

    Good Health Insurance Pays Off

    A young, intelligent medical student specializing in sexual disorders decides to take a tour of a local clinic. Eager to impress a future doctor, the chief resident shows him around the facility.

    While discussing current cases and the facility, they stumble across a patient masturbating in his room. "What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the resident replies. "If he doesn't ejaculate 20-30 times a day, he'll become confused and disoriented."

    As the pair continue their tour, the student walks past another room and sees a patient with his pants around ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

    "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a private health plan."

  • October 31, 2011 5:42 PM GMT

    A lady says to her doctor, "My husband has been complaining that my vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything."
    The doctor examines her vagina, and then says, "There's something terribly wrong. You need an operation." She asks, "On my vagina?"
    He says, "No. On your nose!"

  • January 18, 2013 6:01 PM GMT
    A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
    "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
    By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
    "What took you so long to answer?"
    "I was in bed."
    "What were you doing in bed this late?"
    "Getting a second opinion."
    • 109 posts
    January 21, 2013 3:22 PM GMT
    Knock, knock.
    Who's there?
    Doctor Who?

    What does a vampire doctor say to patients in the waiting room. "Necks please."

    Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
    Pull yourself together.

  • July 22, 2014 9:38 PM BST

    Nurse pulls a rectal thermometer from her pocket and exclaims Oh! bugger some arseholes got my pen.