Hi all,

 

My SO is a transwoman who just came out to me after too many years of being together.  I understand her need to fulfill her desire to be who she is supposed to be.  She is transgender and this is like saying the ocean after a storm is slate blue.  It just is.  

 

I have issues with the fact my spouse knew about being transgender and chose not to tell me... but for this post I will shelve this because I have some question I hope you can help me look at in a more constructive way.  {BUT  I don't want you to think I am some sort of supportive saint.. because I am pretty pissed off she didn't trust me.. and lied to me about her true self...didn't trust me with herslef.. and no one of our aquaintance would have worried about me judging her for her transgender status had she told me at the beginning...}

 

OK...

 

My SO started the full regime of hormones estrogen/progesterone/spirinolactone/finesteride this week.  I am having some mixed emotions regarding this... so is she.   She is mostly manic... rightfully so...    I am so conflicted.  (And to answer the unasked question.. yup I have my own therapist.   So does she.)

 

I am here to ask some questions.   Mostly I am very afraid my spouse is setting herself up for a big disappointment.  She has been in the barbie/cinderella phase thing for months... when she allows herself to dress femme, it is super frilly outfits, sparkly everything.  24/7 shoes/hose/garters etc..

 

This is an extrememly intelligent person... she has read everything about hormones.. I have read some, she knows hormones take months to years to fully "work", but I believe emotionally she believes the hormones are going to "POOFF!!" turn her into a supermodel with gigantic breast and hips and super feminized face.    I have told her I am worried about this disappointment and was brushed off.  I am seriously scared for her.    I know suicide rate is high for MTFs before and during transition.   The fact I was brushed off.. means it is a big deal. 

 

I ask if she is safe.. she says yes.  But I don't trust my own judegment in general anymore.. and I don't trust my judgement of her, and I gues... I sadly don't trust what she tells me.  

 

Damn... all that writing and maybe that last two lines just sums it up...

 

Anyway, I am still going to post this.  I am open to your suggestions.

 

Barbie dressing is for crossdressing sexyness not daily practical wear so better say tone it down to go out shopping.

that hormone mix will give small hard breasts and probably an awful lot of thick black male body hair and probably the manic stuff as the body tries to adjust to the hormonal onslaught.

the therapist doesn't know how to deal with wannabes.  find him another one.

 

She is very attached to her therapist.   The therapist is the first person she has ever told she is transgendered... well she told me in front of the therapist... but.. I felt like an exercise and not really part of that conversation.   I have suggested, for other reasons a different therapist and was told that was not the plan.   end of conversation.

 

currently she doesn't dress outside the house, she isn't out.  But, yes, multiple people have said she'll never pass doing the giltz thing.. but for now.. it doesn't seem to matter...  maybe it will when the initial excitement wears off of being more open... more opener?  I don't know.    

 

she has been manic for months and on hormones for days.  So i actually expect things to be less stable as the hormones do their thing.

 

She isn't sharing awhole lot with me... as you can tell.. when I ask how she is doing.. even just in general.. I get alot of "I'm OK".  Very (I hate to say it) guy answers.    I do alot of reacting to the situation as opposed to partaking in it.

 

As for the hormone regime....  I will pass along your comments .   She said she is taking known Transgender protocol.. I don't know about that... still learning.  

TG's isn't TS's which explains the guy comments and glitz.

 

starting hormones need to be like natural puberty with very low doses and results over a couple of years - just like your own puberty?

 

have the two of you been out to your local gay bars on trannie nights and seen the wide variety of crossdressed men who are definitely not TS even if they do seem excited to be out in a sexy dress?

TG's isn't TS's which explains the guy comments and glitz.

 

starting hormones need to be like natural puberty with very low doses and results over a couple of years - just like your own puberty?

 

have the two of you been out to your local gay bars on trannie nights and seen the wide variety of crossdressed men who are definitely not TS even if they do seem excited to be out in a sexy dress?

Sea, your SO is probably a little scared of what the future brings. She may also be worried about how your relationship will be affected over time...

 When I started hormones, there were times when panic set in, depression, and "slight" mania as well. My Psychologist worked me through these things - but it wasn't an easy time for me.

 

Hello Sea Noelle, just my thoughts on the hormone regime:

Estrogen, if it's bio-idenical estradiol, no worries, pretty safe, start with a low dose and increase every few months. Any other form (ie ethinylestradiol or Premarin) is considerably more dangerous.

Progesterone, same thing applies, if it's bio-identical (aka micronised progesterone) just go easy on it, should be fine. ANY from of synthetic progestin should be avoided at all costs.

Finasteride, very small dose needed to prevent hair loss, probably less than 1mg per day.

Spironalactone is the most dangerous drug your spouse is taking, precautions need to be taken. It's a potassium-sparing diuretic so extra water should be drunk and potassium-rich foods avoided. Excess potassium causes hyperkalemia which can, and will, be fatal. Find out which foods are high in potassium and avoid. In my view spiro just isn't needed; estrogen alone reduces testosterone production to natal female levels.

You're right in that your spouse is not going to magically transform into a beautiful princess overnight, if this is what she is expecting she will indeed be disapointed. I found though that the estrogen made me feel generally more calm, less moody and miserable. Tearful moments may occur in the first few months but they're not really "bad" tears.

As for not telling you about herself in the first place, I can only offer my own feelings that it's really, really hard to tell people about all this, and you mustn't see it as an abuse of your trust, or some sort of lack of confidence in you.

Opening my mouth and telling people the truth about myself was the hardest step in the whole process.

Best of luck to you both.

xx

She is a lucky person to have you in her life as starters....maybe a good heart-to-heart chat is needed now to force her to share and open up with you at last!  Play tough here as this affects you as much as she...but offer again your saintly willingness to see this thru and work to re-engage trust.  It will be vital, especially for her as she progresses downstream.

She really isn't exhibiting a typical transexual behavior, but maybe a fetish instead.  Sadly, there are some girls who admire the TS girls so much that they go to all lengths just to be one!  THIS must be sorted out...hormones are not play toys that you can put away when you are tired of them.

As for the regiment, I'd avoid progesterone as well...I have my reasons and they are clinically sound, but at risk of hijacking your thread, I'll keep them to myself.

Spiro...a mixedr review...there are other natural means to drive down T.

Best wishes always...I'm here if needed...

Traci

Pt. 2...progesterone...after some thought, I figured I ought to at least share this...

 

Progesterone is the primary precursor for testosterone in a male bodied person;
i.e., adding progesterone to a person with testes, will cause an increase in testosterone levels.

AND, most people using progesterone use the synthetic form medroxy-progesterone, aka Provera.
This is an extremely dangerous drug, especially for M2F TG/TSs.
It will cause extreme mood swings, and emotional instability, up to and including suicide.

But again, even the safe forms of progesterone, 
once introduced into a male bodied person, will increase testosterone.

 

Hope this helps...

DAMN!  I just wrote this long response and it just went up with the vapors...  Now the kids are demanding their time... rightfully so. 

 

Suffice for this moment to say:

 

thank you for responding.

 

trust me I am NO SAINT... I am subject to my own emotional rollercoaster about this whole thing on a daily sometime hourly basis.  Hence, I am here on this forum yammering on trying to figure it out.

 

I don't remember my puberty... from the photos it went from 0-100 in less than a year and wasn't pretty... so I don't want to base anything my spouse might go through on that!

 

lots of blood tests for spouse short term including potassium levels. 

 

My spouse is literally cutting me out of large chunks of the process.  If I don't ask the right quesitons I won't get any answers..

 

I will break out the endocrinology websites and see what I can pick up on the protocol.

 

More soon.  Thanks to you all for taking the time to respond.  I feel like I am sinking more than swimming.

 

I am feeling more cut out and less a part of my spouses transition.  Let us just for the moment assume the appropriate labels for my spouse are GID and TG as opposed to poser CD who is confused... because I have asked the questions and was told essentially bug off.  not in so many words.  I cannot change what my spouse thinks to be true.  I hear what many of you are saying.. and you are not alone in your thoughts.

 

Ok, let me ask something... is starting hormones emotionally akin to puberty as well?  I have read this multiple times in books... but books are books.  You (I almost said "You guys" and thought that might be insulting, you are not "guys" as in men, although until right now I have often used "you guys" to mean men/women/mixed group... huh!  Similarly "folks" seems wrong too.  As if I am trying to be too neutral and possibly conjurs up the title "queer as folk" which is not appropriate.  "Girls" might be demeaning.. 1980s feminism anyone?  "Ladies"? too old? I HATE being called lady... **** **** ****) 

 

I start anew... the good people who have responded on this site are really my only non-book/academic link to the TG/CD world currently.  So let me ask... for those of you who are on MTF on hormones did you experience an emotional puberty similar to your male one?  

 

More specifically I am referring to things like being self focused... in that "my parents will NEVER understand me" sort of way? 

 

It feels like my highly intelligent spouse has just turned the brain back to 13 years old... is this what it was like for anyone else?  

 

I have read multiple blogs and seen vlogs about the profound lonliness of transition regardless of the support of others... was this emotional transition or reset/puberty (if I have that right) part of it?   

I am feeling more cut out and less a part of my spouses transition.  Let us just for the moment assume the appropriate labels for my spouse are GID and TG as opposed to poser CD who is confused... because I have asked the questions and was told essentially bug off.  not in so many words.  I cannot change what my spouse thinks to be true.  I hear what many of you are saying.. and you are not alone in your thoughts.

 

Ok, let me ask something... is starting hormones emotionally akin to puberty as well?  I have read this multiple times in books... but books are books.  You (I almost said "You guys" and thought that might be insulting, you are not "guys" as in men, although until right now I have often used "you guys" to mean men/women/mixed group... huh!  Similarly "folks" seems wrong too.  As if I am trying to be too neutral and possibly conjurs up the title "queer as folk" which is not appropriate.  "Girls" might be demeaning.. 1980s feminism anyone?  "Ladies"? too old? I HATE being called lady... **** **** ****) 

 

I start anew... the good people who have responded on this site are really my only non-book/academic link to the TG/CD world currently.  So let me ask... for those of you who are on MTF on hormones did you experience an emotional puberty similar to your male one?  

 

More specifically I am referring to things like being self focused... in that "my parents will NEVER understand me" sort of way? 

 

It feels like my highly intelligent spouse has just turned the brain back to 13 years old... is this what it was like for anyone else?  

 

I have read multiple blogs and seen vlogs about the profound lonliness of transition regardless of the support of others... was this emotional transition or reset/puberty (if I have that right) part of it?   

just for the record...  **** = $hit  

hormones do play with your emotions a little, but not to the extent of changing one's personality...at least they haven't for me.  Plus, if you have "issues" before beginning them, hormones are not going to "fix" them either.  Changing your physical appearance is not the same as changing your mental state.

 

Your S.O. really needs to "wake up" here as it does appear as though you are making the effort to work with him and he's being obstinate in meeting you half way or so working this out.  Maybe lay it on the table to him as in "I'm doing the best I can to understand this and trying to work with you, but you are being elfish and childish"...I'm assuming you both want to remain married and friends and all...there must be a fair amount of mature communication in order for this to happen.

 

But I'm not a trained psychologist/psychiatrist so take my words with a grain of salt.

 

Traci

Traci,  I am in no way looking for this as a substitute to professional help.. I have a ton of it and have for months, since I found out, and more of it than I can afford.. and yet, not nearly enough. 

 

I want this to be more of a sounding board for people who have walked the path and have experienced it.   Because I feel sort of blind, blindsided, and walking on shifting earth all at the same time.  I don't know what is "normal".  I don't know if this even makes sense.

 

My SO honestly believes my anger/disblief/emotional unheaval is simply mine to deal with (and lets face it, to a certain degree this is the truth, we are responsible for our own emotions and how we deal them.. I get it... I am on it) But there is this feeling of.. I should go to therapy and come on back when I am fixed. (and then I can take care of things)  This is overblown emotional description of what is going on and likely not completely accurate... 

 

However, I would love for there to an explanation for this other than my spouse is just being a selfcentered jerk...  like oh, we are all self centered for X amount of time... it'll pass.. hang in there!

 

I love my SO.  I do.  I am trying to understand more than what my SO is sharing with me.  And I will say, if my SO started acting like this without the TG wardrobe hormones changes... I would assume he was having and affair and/or had one foot out the door.  (or was having some significant mental health issues)  Which I realize is still a possibility.. transition and affairs and mental illness don't have to happen in isolation. 

 

bottom line:

 

I am worried for my SO

I am worried for me

  

 

 

Your feelings are valid..,it really appears to me that it is your S.O. who needs to grow up in the relationship...sorry for being so blunt, but I think it's unfair of him not to share his feelings and thoughts with you, especially since this is out in the open between the two of you.  He's exhibiting maleness in this type of behavior and it's a flag to warn against transitioning...men are about "winning", women are about compromise and collaboration...this behavior of his will not change with a physical transformation either...the baggage you carry in to it is the same baggage you will have when you are "there".  I think I'm not qualified though to offer advice, but I can't help but want to support you or share my feelings...maybe I ought to remain silent now?  Your call...

Wish you well...

Traci

Thanks Traci.

 

I stand on my own slippery slope.. clearly.  Wanting to help and support and needing to protect me and very bluntly my (our) kids.   Feeling/knowing I am not part of this journey is difficult.   We, that is our relationship, has never been tested like this, so this experience of emotion, or rather the lack of sharing, is unchartered... behaviors newly experienced.

 

I am seeking information, regardless of the path they may take.  If you have more I want to hear it... if you are comfortable.   If not, I appreciate what you have shared with me already.   You have helped me.  thank you.

 

 

 

I keep coming back to the TG vs CD issue.  I have suggested GI specialist...(and this has been suggested to my SO by others who barely know him) and I thought a new therapist in general would be good for other reasons... but have been told quite bluntly no.   It is always comfortable to stay with a therapist who gives you what you want... but is it what you need?   Likely any suggestion I might make can be easily negated... I am after all the angry cranky SO... so my opinion easily ignored.  

The difference between a CD and TS is like night and day...a CD will feel comfy wearing female attire but always revert back to male form with no desire to transition to living as a woman.  It can be as simple as a sexual fetish (fetish not being defined as bad, just something "different") or it possibly could lead to exploring his deepest feelings about his own gender (note:  not sexuality)...every TS I've known has had this "I'm in the wrong body" since eariest recollections.  My first brush with it was around age 3 and it developed from there on and off all my adult life, but never going away and only getting stronger over time.  It's also fairly accurate to say that virtually all TS's were yesterday's CDs to some degree as we grappled with our emotions.  But a significant portion of the TG world resides in the middle ground where they are emotionally tied to both genders, but choose to remain in the birth gender.  

Seriously, unless your S.O. has had deep feelings about this all his lfe, and not just getting aroused from "shemale" web sites, but felt trapped or conflicted with his body, it's probably safe to assume he is not TS.  And his reluctance to open up with you, a natal female, his S.O., his best friend, just reinforces my feelings as it exhibits a male behavior trait not usually found in women.

But take my words cautiously for it's only me, not a medical expert here talking...

I'm here if needed...

Traci  xoxo

Traci,  Ok, good, that was my understanding as well, but so many have brought it up because of my SOs more flashing dressing... i have a theory on that... see below... but what you are describing is exactly what my SO has described.  Essentially knowing from the beginning, being crushed by society and brought back into line by conservativism around him, keeping silent but always feeling "trapped inthe wrong body" and wanted to be a girl/woman.  from his youngest memories.

 

My thoughts on him dressing in tight tight clothes and stuff that no one would pass in.. is more along the the lines of the junior high puberty thing I keep coming back to.. I would have liked some of it when I was 13 year old...  but that is just my opinion.   But it does evoke CD.  Which is why I end up back at this concent of puberty over and over again.. it is like developmentally my SO never made it past Jr high.  And is going to do it one way or another right now...

 

sweeeeeet....

 

but it also brings into focus in inability to share anything that might have a conflicting edge to it... with me or anyone else.  who wanted conflict when you were in jr high.. and besides no one EVER understood you are that age right? so why bother?

--------------------------

 

My SO is fully committed to the label of GID and hormones.   I am on board with this.  I wish my SO would have gotten a GI specialist to verify but, that isn't going to happen. 

 

I am not sure I am making any sense anymore.  I get overwhelmed sometimes. 

 

 

My concern is the inability to share with you...it's one thing to keep it hidden for all these years, but it's not his little secret anymore, so what's the point in the keeping things mum with you?  Especially since you seem OK with it!  You are a rare S.O. and he is lucky to find this willingness in his partner to understand and all...so I think you are spot on with your thinking he might be like a teenager mentally.  But this is a serious and mature subject that ought not be handled like a juvenile...as for the dressing like a 13 yr. old, I think we all tried on clothing that was not age appropriate in hopes of looking good.  Most of us quickly come to realize how ridiculous it looks and learn to dress our age or at least "blend in".  He should soon realize this himself and move on...heck, maybe it's a sign from him to you to have you help him pick out appropriate wear?

Hang in...I do not envy your position here..I do understand your dilemma and will lend an ear whenever needed...

Traci  xoxo

thanks,

 

Your basic concern about lack of communication is the basic concern of anyone who knows me/my SO/us and our current situation.  And it is why i wonder about other things like affairs etc.  Or even perhaps my SO feeling the need to remain truely heterosexual after transition... there is some basis from our couples therapy to lead me think this might be the case.  Maybe the basic heterosexual pull is just too ingrained... is he is to be a she.. she must be with a he.   I recognize I am not going to find out tonight, tomorrow or maybe this year. 

 

The clothing... yeah... it's interesting.  I hope it is a phase along with the weight loss.   But my SO has recently been fairly critical of my clothing choices.  To the point, I am embarassed to say, that I actually had to talk to a therapist about it.  I EVEN skyped my best friend with a little make shift fashion show to ask if I was nutz... because WTH do I know?  These days it ain't much!  But the last thing I want.. the LAST THING I WANT... is to get into a "girl off" or estrogen war with my husband.  GOOD GRIEF.  I am passing on that crap right now.   I have already survived Jr High girl wars... I lost.. but I survived.   :-)   I admit to being hurt by the comment and my SO would have to do way more than just ask me for my help picking out clothing at this point to get my assisstance in that department.  But I do understand your thinking.

 

Honestly, my SO was never soooo... bitchy before... or maybe was and didn't let it out.  I don't know.  But I don't particularly appreciate it.  I am, no doubt, extra reactive too.  The whole not telling me about being TG really stung.  But I am trying.  I am looking for reasons behind the current behavior and willing for some wiggle room.  But, as I said at the beginning, I am not a saint.  Just a person trying to managed a life situation I never thought I would face with a small bit of grace.  And really?  I am failing.  But I am trying.  

 

Time will tell the next chapters of this story...

You're OK....stay strong...I wish I could be of more help....where do you live?

Traci,  just send you a message..  

Hi, i can't take spiro. any longer. is there another T blocker that is not so hard on the liver. I would be so grateful for any help.

How's it going Sea Noelle?
Only just seen this thread. Hope things are going ok for you both.
What about you? How are you doing?
Elle x

Hiya Noelle, also the first time I have noticed this thread.

 

Therapist might not mean gender specialist. its important that this is noted, you neglect to say if an endocologist is monitoring and prescribing the hormones, and doctor doing regular evaluations and blood tests.    Prolonged hormone regimes cause ireverable effects.

 

just a note, if as you say you do not know if your other half will remain heterosexual, if she is definately transexual, with a genuine gender identity disorder, she will think like a woman, so if she went on to fancy or be attracted to men that would make her hererosexual, to stay in a relationship with another woman would make her a lesbian,

 

Lastly I admire your comitment to supporting your other half at a very difficult time, your feeling of betrayal and trepadation must be awful, but it sounds like your other half is not taking this into account, understandable in some ways, there is a need to be oneself if one is truly transgendered and it can be percieved as being very selfish, I don't think your other half is really going about this in the best interest to herself or you.