I opened my eyes the sun flooded in I stretched and yarned, folding the nighty I had warn all night over the back of my chair my little bear looked up at me reminding me I had to fix his seam after years of being hugged and passed from family member to family member he had become the worse for wear his stuffing was starting to come escape, his little button eyes had warn lose.

The floor was cold as I padded into the bathroom in knickers and bra – I shivered as I waited for the heater to warm up the frigid air. half an hour later , I look around my little room wondering what I should wear today it was too cold for the dress I had spent half of Saturday hunting for and finally found in this amazing French boutique on oxford street, I needed a plan B.

Then my eyes feel on the pile in the corner of the room , the blacks , the body armour, the combat boots – and my mind jumped back to last night, inside I screamed that wasn’t me im Rebecca I don’t want to remember this but unbidden the memories rushed in the tears fell as I sat and wept I remembered.

It had been a quiet night other than some plastic want a be gob shites from Salford turning up demanding to get in, I was 1 door crew I wasen’t gonna stop them but my reputation did demand respect, people knew I was a physco, people knew I wouldn’t stop hurting you till you stopped moving if it went loud – so I got respect but only so much reputations were on the line and they were worth more to these lads than blood, teeth and lives. As they approached I saw the bulges I knew what was under the coats and back then the door world was not like what it is now back then people died normally crew especially in Manchester, especially the clubs people like me worked. As they tried to push past I stepped in front wishing I had a back up crew but it was a Wednesday night we didn’t expect trouble and free entry meant the owners had no wish to spend large on security, the head lad stepped up put his face looking up at me into my chest I dropped back into a stance form which I knew I could drop him before he reached inside his jacket but I wasn’t so sure I could stop his crew. Before the situation escalated I did the only thing I could I said come on lads show some respect we don’t need drama you and your crew terry are welcome but lose the tool kits , terry stepped back I could see him thinking it over checking the angles waying up who he had with him and what they were carrying and was it enough – he stepped back and talked to his lads they went over to a litter bin and pulled out cleavers, steak knives and a couple of shanks all went in the bin they walked towards me I stepped aside they went in.

Later in the night some stock broker messes with this crew and they prove they don’t need a blade when there are bottles around, It ends with me holding his face together with a bar cloth terry apologising to me for the trouble as he and his crew walk out, the police and I don’t see eye to eye so I tell them just some Salford lads no clue who gov that is how you stay healthy in this job.

My mind wanders on , inside im screaming I don’t want to remember this bit please can’t we go back to thinking about the dress or perhaps boot cut jeans with the black ankle boots with the bow on them – but my mind is unrelenting the clock ticks forward its 2am the club has closed the glass has been swept up , the after hour drinks drunk the bullshit stories told. Im wandering home knackered the adrenaline still pumping but tiredness taking over from the combination of Amp., Coffee, ground up proplus i had been popping and swilling on and off all night. I rounded the corner by Piccadilly gardens and the first thing I remember is the smell , it’s a smell you don’t forget the mixture of cooper from the blood and the contents of someone bowels I knew immediately what was coming next I looked to my right and saw a girl rocking back and forth almost curled into a ball screaming , I hadn’t noticed her screaming till then I still can’t figure out why. People stood round like the world had frozen  doing nothing but rubber necking while in front of them a young man bled to death – I pushed through the crowd shouting at people have you dickheads rung triple 9 some guy finally got on his phone – I saw a women at the edge of the crowd I growled at her to look after the girl she got the message and moved to put her arm round the screaming girl who continued to scream but at least she now wasn’t my problem.

I bent down next to the guy careful to avoid the river of crimson and brown – he had a large wound in his chest, **** im not a medic what the **** do I do I remember thinking , rght dick head what are the basic come on use your brain,  he was losing volumes I checked his pulse it was weak, I had to try to stop the bleed I clamped my hand over the wound and pressed down I waited for the dick heads in blue to turn up 5 minutes later a copper pulled up followed by ARV and a SO unit and I could hear the ambulance in the back ground I briefed them in as they run over one of them took over I blended back into the crowd trying to vanish and then to get the guys blood of my hands eventually resorted to washing them in the fountain in the park.

I knew he was as good as dead as soon as I got there, I jumped on the 192 and headed home I knew I should of waited around filled out a report etc. but it would do no good I said to myself I would deal with it tomorrow , It would get me a bunch of grief leaving the scene and all that but I needed to sleep I needed to get my head together I would blame shock they should of corralled me into a corner and had one of the officers wait with me so it was on them as well and I hadn’t actually seen anything if I had of perhaps he wouldn’t be dead perhaps I could of done something perhaps…

All the way home I wept on the back of the bus I knew he was dead , how could the world be like this – how could my world consist of such things, I was the one now opening my eyes who found myself curled up in a ball in the corner of my room clutching teddy crying again with streaked make up looking around the room in terror wishing somehow the carpet could swallow me up.

I knew now I would be wearing blacks today and mental armour 4ft thick, I knew I would be spending time getting to know pc plod and signing a useless statement about a pointless incident that occurred in my life as a man, I cried harder.