"I can't stop the Tears"

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  • *I'm sorry if I made this to long..*

     

    I seriously can't stop crying, I just break down and cry. I seems to be getting worse as the days go by, thankfully... when I feel the urge coming or just break down and cry I'm alone and if someone is near by I try my best to stop cover my head and pretend i'm sick or tired. I'm starting to get really depressed and hating myself more and more each day.

     

    For you to understand what I'm going through at this point in time please take the time to read the next few paragraphs about "Me".

     

    My real name is Josh .. growing up as a kid, I never felt "right" with myself, something always felt off about me. As a kid I really didn't understand. I used to always hang out with my 2 female Cousins around my age since the age of 6 till i was 15. I always felt comforable hanging out, talking non-stop with each other, we always had a great time together. After while my parent got worried and said I need to quit hanging out with them and spending the nights over at their houses because I'm a boy and shouldn't be hanging out them them to much because they are girls. They forced me to start hanging out with male cousins around my age. I never really liked hanging out with them because are taste are way to different and I generally never got along with them.

     

    I always wished why wasn't I born a girl or.. If only I could go to sleep tonight and wake up as a girl and so on. Though I'd always be disappointed the next day still being stuck in this male body of mine. I occasionaly had thoughs of taking a knife and cutting my penis off but never acted on them nor knew why I wanted to do so. I also grew up in a christian home so knowing my parents I never mentioned anything I was feeling to them in fear. During the age of 16- till 19 I tried to focus on "I a guy so I should be working out, getting muscle and doing other guy things" Even doing all that and trying to be a guy never made me happy, I always had this whole in my heart and thought nothing could be done about it so I just tried to ignore it the best I could. But I could never really do so.. it was always there, I lost motivation to really do anything, got fired from my job, stop taking care of myself and my body and basically did nothing over the next year...

     

    I'm recently turned twenty-one and a couple of weeks ago I decided to start researching what was wrong with me to see if I can find someway to help myself. I stumbled about till I found info on Transgender/Transexuals. Something started to make sense in me so I kept looking up information, wathing vidoes on MtF transition, HRT and so on (That is when I first started crying, and a couple of times that day i might add.. and I haven't really cried in a long time before this). After that day, It was the only thing on my mind... and still is today. I realised why I felt that way all my life and I made up my mind to transition. I started growing out my hair and have started practicing my Female Voice using some video I've seen of a few MtF Transgenders I seen with really pretty female voices. (though mine is horrible atm, But I won't give up)

     

    I started to take care of myself once again but now I feel happy to be doing so and it means more to me now, that I'm trying to transition and doing it with that in mind. Currently I'm looking for a job.. well "Two" jobs one to help pay bills and so on, and the other just to save up for all the medical cost and surgeries I'll need.

     

    However, currently I live with my parents and a few of my siblings, So I have to do all this in secret with is hard. Trying not to get caught practicing my voice, crying, deleteing my browser history and so on. I know that if my parents find out, I'll be kicked out for sure and they'll cut all ties with me. I've seen my older brother kicked out for far less of a reason then mine.. They would flip out on me. I know the rest of my family will as well and they'll treat me as a social outcast and that is part of the reason I've been crying sooo much lately, I'm starting to hate my male body more and more each day and I just burst into tear for being born a man.. that piled on with the rest of this, it's just tooo much at once.. It hard to handle and it's getting harder to stop myself from crying and putting up a front. I don't know what to do and I feel soo lost and scared.

      March 28, 2012 7:42 PM BST
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  • Don't give up hun...We know what you are going through.. Hugs!
    <p>Doanna Highland</p>
      March 29, 2012 4:57 AM BST
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  • Thanks, I've been talking to a few people and it has been helpful.

    I left a lot out and only skimmed the surface of most of it in my previous post ;/ if it becomes to much to bear and I become a emotional wreck you may see me posting a lot more.

    Posting and speaking to others have help me a bit but I still feel the burden is still here.

    I feel my struggle is just beginning.
      March 29, 2012 9:55 AM BST
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  • It is a long struggle Cassandra and once you realize that you are a woman inside - there can be no turning back. I recommend that you see a psychologist that specializes in transgendered people to get help with your situation. You are young and should be thinking of getting more financial independence from your family in order to actualize your needs.
    Remember.... we are here for you Cassandra!
    <p>Doanna Highland</p>
      March 29, 2012 3:12 PM BST
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  • I know and I agree with you. I can't turn back. For weeks transition is the "only" thing on my mind, its all I can think about. I started putting in tons of applications. I'ma try to work two jobs for as long as I can to save up and also move out.

    The sooner I move out the sooner I can be myself and actually by all the girl clothes I want and build up my wardrobe and make up with fear of getting caught by them.

    As for a psychologist, I've been looking the last few days online for one near me. Any tips on where to look or search. I would appreciate it.
      March 30, 2012 4:35 AM BST
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  • Cassandra, if you look up the local LGBT sites, they usually have a "contact page" that will list the local tg support professionals and organizations.
    <p>Doanna Highland</p>
      March 30, 2012 5:15 AM BST
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  • Thank you Doanna. I went to a local LGBT site just yesterday. I'll head back and see if I can get into contact with one.
      March 30, 2012 5:21 AM BST
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  • Hi Cassandra,
    I looked up a resource in St. Louis for you, I hope you don't mind.
    Its the St.Louis Gender Foundation. www.transgender.org/stlgf

    It's over by Forest park and not to far from Granite City.

    Given your economic and living conditions I think it might be a good place to start.
    They might also be able to help you with your employment situation, but I don't know that for sure.
    We are here for you as much as that may mean to you, I just hope that you can find the inner Girl that we all so much want you to. Given that you have gotten this far in your life, I think that she is a stronger part of you than you might be giving her credit for.

    By the way, I think your real name is Cassandra, no matter what others may call you. :-)

    I'll be watching, with hope and love.
    KariAnne
      March 30, 2012 9:21 AM BST
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  • Just read your very moving story Cassandra which I am sure many of us here can fully relate to as we have all gone through it at some point in our lives. It is a very difficult place to be in, but you will achieve your dream - and believe me, it is worth it. Once you transition, all the anguish, turmoil, self hate, doubts will all evaporate and you will become a whole person.

    Good luck from the UK Cassandra and if you need any help, we will be here for you

    Carol xx
      March 30, 2012 6:30 PM BST
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  • Thank you KariAnne and Carol.

    I've got into contact with them via their site and I am currently waiting for them to reply back to me. Your support and the support of others who are here means a great deal to me.
      March 31, 2012 5:10 AM BST
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  • I just read your blog, and your story is so similar to mine. For years I have fought against myself. to a point of self loathing. Finaly I could fight no more. I sought the help of a therapist and she has helped me beyound belief. I now no longer fight myself and i am a so much happier person. Dont ever be ashamed of who you truly are, embrace it. If you need help the people here will always be there for you
      March 31, 2012 12:21 PM BST
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