I have been thinking a lot recently about who I am and how I got to where I find myself today. I am wondering at what age people began to have a sense of their gender. How you became gender aware and when you found that you had a conflict. Also how and when you first began to wonder about becoming your preferred gender.

            In my own case I was quite young when the differences between genders were pushed upon me. Until I was three my parents treated me just like my sister and although I knew we were physically different that is all I knew. At nursery school my behaviour was frowned upon and comments were made that “Only girls do that”, to some of my mannerisms and preferences. So that is when I became aware that boys and girls are very different and that apparently I was more like the girls that the boys, it was the first time I had felt shame.

            The first time I wondered about actually being a girl rather than a boy, in terms of physically changing was at six. It was the boiling hot summer of 1976 and my Dad used to want us out of the way more or less as soon as he got home so we had to go to bed extremely early. As a consequence I would lie in bed awake for ages thinking. I had recently been in hospital for a tonsillectomy and it occurred to my childish minds that if my sore throats could be fixed with an operation then maybe so could they make me into a girl on the outside so I would be right. Of course at that tender age I had never heard of transitioning or SRS, it was merely a thought, albeit a pervasive one.

            I felt like this all through my childhood and absolutely loved it when I was assumed to be a girl, which was about as often as not, even a new teacher at school who had not previously met me thought so. When I was about 12 there was a BBC documentary called “A Change of Sex”, which told the story of a male to female transsexual called Julia Grant. I was almost scared to show too much interest in it because by now my parents were far less accepting of my female traits and habits, in part I think because things had been said to them and I know it scared my mum. The series captivated me and suddenly I knew that there was something we could do about all this. I resolved to get away and transition at 16 and be complete as soon as was feasible. Life was horrible at home at that time, my Dad was utterly vile to me and I wanted to get away. This didn’t happen, like many of us I thought I could live a male life and did for a long time but eventually did what I was destined to always do after a life threatening illness. Anyway I would love to hear from other on this subject. Love Alison

I was about five when I realised that I wasn't actually a girl (memories before that age are very vague - ecept fo one vivid memory of falling out of my pram on an icy road and pain).  Then at the age of 6 I started not eating, it wasn't a concious act, I just didn't want to eat so at the age of 6½ I was sent to a convalescent home for children whilst they tried to find out what was wrong with me.  I was in the hospital section for a month where I was fed via a drip and injections and then into the care section where they monitored me.  It was here that I was allowed to associate with other children and I found myself shunning the boys and felt much more at home with the other girls and partaking in the activities that they did - rafia work, embroidery, playing house, etc.  I hated the rough and tumble of what the boys did.

After about 6 months I was deemed well enough to return home to my parents and go back to school, but that is when the bullying started and the boys used to call me a sissy and gave me the nickname 'Stella' which I had no objection too - indeed, I was secretly pleased that they saw me as a girl.  The teasing only went that far though as my older brother would look after me and warned the boys who were doing it to stop it - or else, and as he was 2 years older than me, it never amounted to anything other than name calling.

It was in 1952, when I was 7, that I realised what I was though.  The news of Christine Jorgensen's "sex change" spread like wildfire across the headlines of every newspaper, and I remember my father commentating on this and being so condemnatory including one comment that I remember to this day "HE should be locked away from sane people and let them throw away the key".  I was so scared by his reaction that I didn;t even read the paper immediately - but I retrieved it from the dustbin, tore the article out and hid it in my bedroom where I could read it secretly.  It rang so vividly in my head, it was possible to become who I was - but at the same time, my father's attitude was such that I realised that by telling my parents how I felt, I feared the loss of their love and feared being locked up for how I felt.

Despite this, I prayed each evening for over a year that God, in his wisdom and mercy, would magically change me overnight into the person I knew myslef to be - but every morning I would look and see that nothing had happened, and I suppose it was about that time that I started hating the body that I had.

At the age of 10, I seriously thought about trying to run away to Italy as I had heard that some men could be castrated to retain their high voices and I read that it also stopped those men from growing facial hair, but at the age of 10, it was just a dream - so I eventually went through the agony of a male puberty.

For many of us, it was clear to us that we had gender problems going back to our earliest memories - but this is not true in all cases.  Many don't start feeling that way until they hit puberty and then hate what is happening to their bodies.  For some this realisation comes even later.

Carol xx

This post was edited by Former Member at August 29, 2012 11:47 AM BST

I Have always known who I have been since about 4- or five years old, I guess I was just different. but now I embrace the way I am and trying to move forward

This post was edited by katie wish at March 14, 2013 8:32 PM GMT

I was in preschool when something clicked for me. I was unfortunatly in a very male oriented envirement with little chance as a youngster to mingle with girls. I was the youngest of three boys and living on a block with 11 boys and 1 girl! Sarah ,the only girl, was never allowed to play with us. I was 4 years younger then her too. She always seemed to be driven to some distant girlfriends house to play while I was left with the boys. I was quite emotional and cried multiple times in a day often. This was always attributed by my parents to me being the youngest and the boys picking on me because of this though I now know I just had a female temperment at heart. This was unfortunatly the beginning of the hard shell i created around my personna which I carried with me well into my 20's.

That being said, when I finally did get to go to preschool I finally had a chance to mingle with girls. I'll never forget the feeling I got when one day I gravitated to be with the girls during recess. They accepted me so openly and it just seemed like my communication and emotions took hold of me for the first time and I felt whole. It was an amazing and magical day of self realisation for me. I had never gotten to be with girls in a group like that before. We were all so young, this was all about natural rapport and it felt so right and great. The remainder of the year I would play with the girls as often as I could though the pressure to stay and play with the boys started then too. I remember a teacher actually telling me to leave the girls alone in their tea house and go play with the boys. Unfortunately at this young age I could not communicate to my parents the joy being with the girls brought me or have the feminine presence in my life after school to build on this for myself. My world was still dominated by boyness, hand me down clothes and hand me down boy toys.

It took many years for me to figure my gender identity out. Thinking back though that moment in the tea house was very instrumental to me when I did embrace that I was in fact trans. I still regard that day even now as one of the most important days of my life.

Hi Katie and Jessica. Thanks for responding. Some of our medical background is slightly similar Katie. I had surgery a few times between 5 and 10, I had ear nose and throat problems and profound sexual development issues from birth. So much of what you describe I understand and empathise with. The same with you Jessica, I also created a hard protective shell. All I found though is that by internalising so much negative emotion I became withdrawn and emotionally desolate. Anyone who reads these posts please do not keep all this bottled up, talk to people on here, they will listen and try to help. YOU ARE NOT ALONE XX

My God Cristine. That is quite awful honey. That must have been so traumatic. I think you show immense courage by sharing it on here. Perhaps if people read what we all are saying they might be able to draw strength from our experiences. You are indeed a lovely woman and I consider it a privilege to name you amongst my friends. Love Alison xx

What happened to you Crissie was terrible and nobody deserves to go through what happened that night - NOBODY.

Carol xxxxx

I sometimes wish I had a "pivot point" when I was young. A situation that made me consider transitioning earlier - but then, I would not have had my two wonderful children.
I guess there is a silver lining in every cloud - but at the time ... we just can't see it.

Same here Cristine. It 11 years ago since I first peeped into our community. I remember you as a teenager. Happy memories indeed.xxx. Who would have thought we would still be friends now after so many came and went? Maybe we will see each other grow old and wise honey...I do hope so xx

I know with absolute certainty that I was under 5 years old when I started attempting to wear my mum's clothes (obviously they were way too big!). I still remember the items - it was a beige bra with fairly solid padded cups and a red pleated skirt - yes the memories are that vivid. I remember what my favourite dresses that my mum had were, my alltime favourite panties which belonged to my sister when I was about 14 and she was 12 (they were pink with lace trim). I have very vivid memories of everything related to dressing up all the way from that under 5 experience. Some day soon I hope I will gain the courage and the will to become the woman I feel I always should have been.

My realization came in the present time frame - last year, 2012 - but as I contemplated the whole of my life spanning more than 4 decades of time before that - I found many memories and feelings all interconnected and associated with seeing myself as a girl. In the earliest of times I mentally drifted to a rather androgynous state, particularly in the teenage years, where if one where to ask me how I see myself - it was rather nongendered - I mostly described myself by what I do and not who I am and have done so for virtually all of my life. My earliest memories include from 4-7 playing with a couple of girls on my block, one two doors down where we played with dolls, her little kitchen set and the like - Susie was my best friend and I felt just like her. I recall at that time, two of my female cousins visiting and asking me if I wanted to paint my nails - I froze - I recognized that this is told to me to be a girl thing - but suddenly I recognized I desperately wanted to, but unfortunately didn't. In these times I also would take paper and fold it, staple, and tape it into small purses that I would carry and show everyone - all thought it cute. Even later, I would take shoe boxes, make houses and play with little figurines in them, along with still playing with dolls ( some of them male, of course ) but even as late as 10-11 I tried to teach myself to sew and make clothes for them and started teaching myself cooking. On my bed there was an ever-growing pile of stuffed animals, things like unicorns - funny thing, my parents still buy me one or two unicorn items to this day ( now in my later 40s ). When I started reading the newspaper, unlike the average male, I tossed aside the sports - couldn't care about it - and turned to the life or way we live section and read columns by women and advice columns written by women - funny thing I still did not connect any of these things to being a girl directly - just a part of my natural person. Like most here, hated puberty and wanted the male parts to vanish or fall off and wished them away through religion, magic, or anything imaginable. When hair grew I wanted desperately to shave my legs. I recall watching various shows and commercials where I would imitate the women on them - roll my hands up under my shirt to make 'boobs' and swing around, singing - even got caught this way once by my mom - I quickly straightened the shirt and claimed I was putting it on, of course. This does not include use of nylons, bras, and shoes - she had a pair I just fell in love with and hoped one day she would give them to me - of course, no one knew I put them on often. Memories include things like hating being in gym class locker room - making it a point to arrive early or late so as not to dress with the others - and secretly wishing to be in the girl's locker room - and the worse of it, I realized why I wanted to be there - not the guy thing - just to be one of the girls. I never dated, nor even kissed a girl until my mid 20s. Secretly I like being friends with girls and like doing things like shopping, talking, and the like with them. One could say the toys and other things might not qualify, but it was the distance I created from all others, particularly guys since I did not feel like I was one of them that was important here. Allowing myself to drift to an androgynous person in mannerisms, dress and the like. I essentially ran from myself all my life. Here, though, is a classic example - I once in early teens took a apir of whit high top sneakers and dyed one a purple/blue color with one of the white laces. Now I had a purple/blue shoe with a white lace and its opposite - just the other day, now over 30 years later I spot in a grocery store a girl in her mid teens doing exactly what I did - imagine that. I even would consider or even mark the fill in spot on various tests that I am a female, of course putting it back to what it was 'supposed' to be at the end of the test all through elementary, middle, adn even high school. I know this is more than the first memory, but they are an interconnected string and when I realized who I am when I looked in the mirror in my mind to see myself for the first time last year it was like a bubble bursting and those memories with literally hundreds of others and the numerous buy and purge cycles of clothes, which I never understood for the last 15 years finally made sense. In this last cycle, I realize the only thing I can purge one day is the guy stuff. I no longer want to think of myself as Ms. Potato Head with the wrongly attached male parts which were mistakenly put in the box. I need to be me, the woman I am, Briana - thanks : )
This post was edited by Briana Purcell at February 21, 2013 7:17 PM GMT

third grade level knew i was differant from rest of the boys. especially at recess

than when we had science classes on human be havior in middle school

This post was edited by michelle/mitchell self at March 14, 2013 3:22 PM GMT

I knew when I was 3 years old, things just were not right, I started telling my mother at 5 and repeatedly through the years. She never got the message and when I came out at 23 she actually acted shocked.

Denial is a powerful coping mechanism