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How do you refer to yourselves? TG, TS, gender dysphoric?

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  • 71
    As you do over dinner, me and Em were having a discussion about trans terminology when coming out to family members... And about the negative way some terms, even correct ones, are interpreted. I think saying you are transexual (I know it is correct) could have the listener thinking either of Rocky Horror or that the issue is about sex, as opposed to gender.
    Obviously with your kids, they don't even want to accept their parents have sex, even though they are clear evidence that it happened!!!
    I was very careful to avoid any reference to sex when I told my folks, as I just felt it can clearly be misinterpreted to mean sex not gender. Now I know my folks ain't stupid but even so... I wanted it to be about gender.
    Anyhow, any of you got any thoughts on telling teenagers? What terminology do you use? Does it bother you what terms other people use?

    X
    This post was edited by Elle F at August 9, 2013 9:24 PM BST
      August 9, 2013 9:23 PM BST
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  • 71
    ..and I know my bloomin iPad self correct thing missed the 's' out of dysphoria!
      August 9, 2013 9:26 PM BST
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  • naughty I pad.smack,

    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      August 9, 2013 9:38 PM BST
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  • 71
    Hey Cristine, did you put the 's' in there somehow? By the power of Greyskull, that's amazing! This post was edited by Elle F at August 9, 2013 9:43 PM BST
      August 9, 2013 9:42 PM BST
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  • Yes, I did,   But on a more serious note,   All the ''official terms''  transgendered,  transsexual, it can't be easy trying to explain things to children.   even harder I should imagine to accept in a childs mind a transexual male to female will allways be a father.  does one feel obliged to carry on being a father?   Not a task I was ever faced with, and in some ways rather relieved I never had to face up to that.

    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      August 9, 2013 9:50 PM BST
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  • 71
    Thanks Cristine.
    It is a tough situation to be in, yes. Em will probably have some thoughts on the matter too...
    I think it doesn't really matter what children call you as long as they still talk to you! That's the first thing.
    Parents also must find it difficult to change terms. I know mine do. I do. But we are quite early on in our journey and time will help us all.
    X
      August 9, 2013 9:58 PM BST
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  • I won't mind at all if I continue to be called "Dad" by my boys. Whatever they feel most comfortable with really. I think though that the parent/child relationship is the only one where it should be acceptable to keep previously used terms. Ultimately, we will all hopefully find our own preferred route through this minefield.
      August 9, 2013 10:06 PM BST
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  • 95

    Well, when i finally get the courage to say something about it, i am going to use TG because it has that word "gender" in it, which is what the discussion should be about. And try to keep it on those terms. any mention of "sex" is may bring the subject down teh wrong road - i think... 

      August 10, 2013 1:29 AM BST
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  • If I'm in DRAB, and I'm discussing it with someone, I'll lead with "I'm transgender", and see where they want to go with it.  Transgender is intentionally an all inclusive term that covers all expressions of men who want to experience various aspects of being a woman, from wearing specific items of clothing (transvestites, fetish dressers, and cross-dressers), to people who want to spend the rest of their lives as a woman.

     

    I've known since I was 5 that I was transsexual, that I wanted to BE A GIRL.  I told my parents, mom wanted to support me, and dad wanted to protect me from some of the bullying HE experienced as a kid for the same issue.  My dad even told me that he had taken a personality test and was diagnosed to be "75% female" based on his preferences.  My mom was also supportive, but when she talked to HER therapist about it, he told her that the only "Cure" would be a series of daily electro-shock treatments for a month at a time, with a month break between each series.  If that didn't work, the next step would be a LOBOTOMY.  Mom had been through electro-shock and would have done ANYTHING to keep me from having to go through that.

     

    As a result, she told me it had to be my little secret, not to tell ANYONE.  I tried talking to doctors and psychologists, including a research team at Children's Asthmatic Research Institute and Hospital (CARIH).  By the time I tried to tell them, they said "We already know that, but there is nothing we can do about that, so don't bring it up again".  In fact, the results were dramatic.  For six weeks, I stayed with the girl's house mother, spending all my spare time with the girls on weekends and evenings, going home at the end of the night.  By the end of 6 weeks, I had gone from daily severe attacks, to going the entire evening without even clearing my throat.  When they tried to put me with the boy's house mother, and the boys, I almost had to be hospitalized, my attacks got so severe.

     

    There was no question that I was transssexual.  I couldn't pass as a boy if I had wanted to.  I had been born without testes (undescended), and they didn't come in until I was 11.

     

    My mom did try to support my transsexual nature, by letting me do housework.  For some reason, I loved doing laundry, cooking, cleaning the house, and even sewing, knitting, and crochet.  Mom even used to take me shopping, and would let me pick out her outfits.  She'd wear them a few times, then mark them to show that I could take them (charity).  She'd tie a loose knot in pantyhose to signal that I could keep them.  She even bought a pair of boots she couldn't possibly wear, but I could.  We wore the same size.  Especially that summer, I could dress most of the day, while I did the housework, and my health improved dramatically.

     

    I never wanted to be a boy, and puberty was hell.  As my voice changed, my body grew, and hair grew, I saw any chance of becoming a girl, disappearing.  The war between wanting to be a girl and being forced to become a man against my will, drove me to numerous suicide attempts, high risk behaviors, and using combinations of recreational drugs, booze, and antihistimines to induce black-outs.  I ended up in a psych ward for a few days, then a group program.  After one of my suicide attempts, I finally admitted I was transsexual, but they refused to talk to me about it, let me talk about it, and told me not to bring it up again.

     

    I allowed others to think I was gay, because that was "safer" than letting them know what I really was.  I had 2 lovers who figured it out, and kept my secret.  I told my wife before we were married, but I only tried to tell her I was a cross-dresser.  Before we moved in, I hoped that I wouldn't want to be a girl, nowt that I had a lover I was living with.  3 weeks after we moved in, I realized I had to tell her about the dressing.  I still tried to hide my desire to be a woman.  10 years later, we were divorced.

     

    I finally "came out" when I was 33.  By then, the marriage counselor we had been seeing realized that I was transsexual, and warned me that if I tried to kill Debbie, that Debbie would try to kill me.  Even then, it made perfect sense.  I went to a gender therapist and started transition, living all but the 40 hours at work as a woman.  I was the happiest and most effective I had ever been in my life.  I was even getting ready to transition at work, and was working for a company dominated by women, who would have no problem with it.

     

    Unfortunately, my ex-wife had other ideas.  She showed me a letter from a school social worker telling a judge that my visitation rights should be revoked, or at least supervised, because my gender identity was a danger to the kids and my visitations interfered with their relationship to their step-father.  She laid it out "Stop transition, or you'll never see the kids again".

     

    I stopped the transition, but as expected, Debbie didn't like it.  Over time, I more than doubled my weight to over 320 lbs, eventually leading to a heart attack and stroke.  I managed to recover, but realized that I needed to deploy Debbie to lose the weight.  When my father was about to die, he said "If I give you nothing else, I want you to be yourself, even if that's Debbie".  For the rest of the time before he died, I combed my hair down, wore some camisoles I had packed, and some shorts.  At one point, he thought I was my mother, come to lead him home.  He also thanked me for taking such good care of him.  When he died, I realized that I really needed to stop pretending, I could never be authentic as Rex, but as Debbie, I could be authentic, and accept compliments, kindness, and love.

     

    Starting transition the second time was harder, because I was older, and there wasn't going to be the chance to be the pretty woman I had always hoped to be.  On the other hand, I realized how intensely happy I felt when someone, especially another woman, would greet me as Debbie, even when I was in DRAB.

      August 10, 2013 4:12 AM BST
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  • 71
    Thank you Em, Robin and Debbie for your thoughts. Robin, I agree with you and think it's a good idea to start out that way. As and when anyone has questions we can deal with them...
    Debbie, I find it hard to believe some of the health professionals and their advice. How terrible for you to have been treated in such way. I can only say that so far, Em has been treated with respect by everyone.
    Good to hear from you all, thanks ladies. Xx
      August 10, 2013 9:22 AM BST
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  • I had to tell my older children of this at a time when they were teenagers. To be honest I used the clinical terms of gender dysphoric and transsexual and then explained what that meant and where it might lead to, which led onto a discussion about SRS. Two of them were fine with it straight away and said 'you have to just be yourself'. (How cool are they)? My middle daughter struggled however as she didn't want to lose her Dad. She didn't turn against me but was frightened and upset with what she perceived she would lose. A few months later she came to terms with it and told me she would love me whatever happened. (Again, so sweet) and knew that ultimately, it didn't make any difference. These children are adults now and are in the UK but we chat weekly. My gender change has made no impact on our relationship. 

     

    I don't mind that they refer to me as Dad, because you can't and shouldn't try to escape the fact that you are their father regardless of your current gender. I think it would be very hurtful and emotionally unhealthy to make them stop using that. If they choose to call you something else, that's fine, but otherwise you should leave it alone. Children love you for who you are and your relationship is based on their life experiences with you. If you have been there for them, they will be there for you. 

     

    I have two younger children from my current marriage and it hasn't been an issue for them as they have not really known me any differently. When they see older photos of me, it makes them laugh and they both say they prefer me how I am now. 

     

    So do I! 

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Every woman is beautiful, some show it with their faces, others show it with their hearts.
      August 11, 2013 12:21 PM BST
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  • 71
    Thanks for that Nikki... It is good to hear that your children have all accepted the changes, even if your middle daughter took a little longer. It is testament to your parenting skills that they are all so open and lovely children!
    Em's boys are the same. All lovely, kind boys. But this leap into the unknown is mentally exhausting! So far, the people we have told have been fine, even though they were initially shocked. However, so far only my folks have physically met Em... So... I don't know.. It's ok to say you are fine but in reality?... I can worry about this until the cows come home, really I can and its not actually very helpful. But your message, Cristine's, Robin's and Debbie's are incredibly helpful for me and Em.

    Thanks to all of you!
    X
      August 11, 2013 2:16 PM BST
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  • I'm a woman, and if pressed a trans (or transsexual) woman - the trans bit merely describes the type of woman that I am, could be a fat woman, an intelligent woman or a flirtacious woman) ie I use it as an adjective to further describe my female status.

    People have this aversion to 'labels', but strangely if I told them they were a beautiful person or a compassionate person, they would welcome that label.  That is all a label is, something to describe a thing or an object, it serves merely to give greater colour or meaning to something, it's not something to get hung up about.

      August 11, 2013 4:00 PM BST
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  • I agree Carol, that it is definitely not something to get hung up about. However, the terminology is immensely important when revealing your transition to loved ones. We are finding this to be the case as we build up to telling my two younger sons after the exam results next week. I am certainly not hung up about who I am, but equally, I want my loved ones to have the best chance of avoiding the twin evils of pre-conceptions and misinformation. X
      August 11, 2013 4:09 PM BST
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  • 71
    Each 'coming out' meeting is different obviously.. The terms you use depend on who You tell. It is much easier to tell colleagues for example... Telling your parents is tough.. But I really don't think, at this stage, that we could say 'woman' to the boys without it causing big upset. I'd love to be proven wrong but this is so important (as you'll all know and understand) we have to be mindful of the terms.
    Xx
      August 11, 2013 4:33 PM BST
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  • Hi everyone this is my 1st post here loving the info on the forums! x

     

    I think what ever term you use when coming out to people they'l inevitably realize it means you wearing womens clothes, the 1st thing they will think is it's a sexual thing, with kids, the younger they know the better in my opinion!
    kids are so accepting I'll echo what elle said & add tht as long as they know your there for them it doesn't matter what they call you 

      August 11, 2013 5:11 PM BST
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  • I don't have a term as such as I am just me, I must admit the only one who knows is my wife who finds it hard understanably, I am still getting up the courage to tell my 28 year old son, I keep thinking he might notice the fact I wear female jeans socks and underneath knickers plus I keep my body hair free, but he's never said anything. in a weeks time I'm having a first session wth a gender councilor and I will ask her about things like this.

    Christy Bradford
      August 12, 2013 10:20 AM BST
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  • 71
    Hi Christy,
    I can only imagine what it must be like for you, and Em to an extent even though we are married, as the boys are my stepsons... I don't have children of my own so have no idea of the bond you have. But they mean the world to me and want them to be as comfortable as possible with Em's transition news. I know it won't be an overnight thing either and we just have to be patient with them.
    Our counsellor advised us to consider carefully the information and language we use. He made the quite relevant point that how you tell someone remains with them. It affects how they go on to deal with the changes.
    How you do that is up to you Christy, but I think it is very valuable advice.
    I hope it goes well for all of you.
    X
      August 12, 2013 6:22 PM BST
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  • Elle, 

     

    One of the factors about telling people is at what point you are at when you tell them. It's very different if a person has begun their transition than someone who looks just the same as they ever did. When some announce their transition, it's no great surprise. Others, like your own experience, it comes as a shock to those you open up to. 

     

    To me, it's all rather irrelevant because you only have one choice; to carry on as you are and supress your feelings or do something about it. It sounds as though you have alreardy made that choice. Neither option is easy and the latter can be very difficult and traumatic and that's when it goes well. The process of switching gender in public, i.e. around your friends, family, neighbours and the workplace, can be stressful if you let it. But.......it is also very likely to give you peace of mind, and you will feel very much better about yourself and life will throw a whole new load of experiences at you for you to enjoy. Embrace it. Everything else will fall into place in time. 

     

    Nikki 

    Every woman is beautiful, some show it with their faces, others show it with their hearts.
      August 13, 2013 2:03 PM BST
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  • I was just chatting with Joni Cruz yesterday and she mentioned the classic (point at your genitalia) "Sex is here" (at your head) "Gender is here".

     

    It is called transexuality because the sex is changed to match the gender of the brain.  The brain is where the person we are resides.

     

    Most teenagers probably know what a transexual is.  May even know one or more.  The average teenager may be ignorant but they are not stupid and probably are more knowledgable in a number of areas than their parents.  Males often have more difficulty accepting a MtF parent because they fear that parent's transition will be transferred on to them by those idiot peers that every teenager is saddled with.  They fear rejection by others when the parent comes Out.  It probably will not hurt to let them know that it is unlikely that they are also transgendered or they would already know it themselves.  I know at least one girl here who found out her father was transgendered when she told him that she was...but it is statistically uncommon and they both already knew about themselves.

     

    Whenever you make a decision that affects your child's life, you have to trust yourself that you are doing what you feel is best for them.  You are pretty much stuck in that same spot here.  What makes it hard is that you REALLY have to live with the decision you make for them on this.  It is ok to think of yourself too because, if you do not, it will still effect your children as well.   I am not a parent, but I have dealt with hundreds of teenagers.  I know they need consistency and security.  Both of these can be shaken by your revelations.  I think you would do well to plan on making sure that they know that they still have those from you and that your love for them remains unchanged.

    Other than that, your final decision, on how to approach this, will probably be the best one.  Trust yourself and be confident.  They will see that and it should help them, even if it does not seem that way at first.  Remember, from the moment you tell them, this is about them, not you, and they need time to process.

     

    "A live lived in fear is a life half-lived." - Native American proverb. "Inside every man is a woman who was drowned in testosterone before birth". - Wendy Jeanette Larsen "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." - Andre Gide (French writer)
    This post was edited by wendy larsen at August 11, 2014 6:43 AM BST
      August 14, 2013 6:41 AM BST
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  • 71
    Very true Wendy.. Sorry for my delay in replying, I've been meaning to thank you... You make a very relevant point when you say it's about them from the moment you tell them. I know they'll need time to process all this. I only hope they CAN process it and it doesn't go spectacularly wrong. Of course we will do our absolute best to make sure we reassure them but it is terrifying!
    Thanks again Wendy. You've been a great help...
    Xxxx
      August 17, 2013 9:19 AM BST
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  • I think of myself as TV/TG, but not TS. Based on my exploration of the words, TS is reserved for those women who have taken significant steps that I have not. TV/TG satisfies my notion of gender dysphoria and a desire to be a woman, yet there were no surgical changes to my appearance.

    When I feel the need to mention my gender identity versus my sex, I just say "trans" or "tranny." I am sure I could do better, but the only person I even discuss it with is my wife and she is more than aware of who I am!

    As for children....

    That is why I am here! My partner and I were going along in life and quite rapidly moving towards a coming out and maybe quite a bit more.

    Then we had an unexpected, but madly loved child. Now 4. I chose to give up long hair and breast forms to raise my son as "dad" even though I still wear make up and women's clothes about 4 days a week.

    Yeah, F'd up huh? Do I know what the answer is, no.

    I can tell you I recently (like in the last few days) decided that I am lying, and have gone back to hair and breast forms (never gave up the makeup or clothes) and he doesn't even seem to care or notice.

    My wife, well... She has always been a source of strength, apprehension, nervousness, fear, best friend, and more.

    I am fortunate that I at least have a partner to take this gurney with. This post was edited by Lesley M at September 29, 2013 1:30 AM BST
      September 29, 2013 1:10 AM BST
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