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  • Topic: So Glad I Found You! Hello from Lesley.

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    • September 28, 2013 1:48 PM BST
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      Since childhood I have been enthralled with womanhood. So much so, that when I was about 10 years old my parents demanded I stopped wearing my mothers clothing after school.

      By then I was wearing women's undergarments. I was playing with perfume and jewelry. And yes I was confused by it. I knew the other boys were not warmed by knowing their panties were satin or lace.

      My mother knew full well that I had gender dysphoria (self diagnose). She never said a thing though. There was no support or opposition. I knew full well, and do to this day, my father would be horrified.

      I wanted so much more at that age, but had no way to achieve it. I expressed it more by wearing "club like" clothes in late high school. I never hid my femininity in my relationships, but was torn with being told I should be outwardly masculine.

      I moved away from home to attend college. I was able to explore a lot more of who I was without the constraints of who I was in the past. I began shaving my body, painting my nails, and exploring sexuality. In college I enjoyed having men and women attracted to me and confusing the rest!

      Back then I had no problem being sneered at by haters either. I am not sure why that changed with age, but it did. I had no problem wearing leather pants and a cami to class with painted nails and eye makeup! Some of my favorite shoes were knee high boots. I enjoyed my woman friends far more than the men.

      I ended up in a steady relationship with a GG who loved dressing me up. I loved being dressed up by her. We would shop for clothes and make up together. It was so much fun.

      We went out a lot. If I was not en-femme I was certainly very pretty. I usually wore a mix of mens and women's clothing on a daily basis.

      We went out clubbing and on dinner dates quite a number of times as girlfriends. Heck, we even went to San Francisco for a week. I didn't spend the whole week en-femme, but most of it "in-between" while we openly shopped for super cute stuff!

      I was so easy and relaxed about dressing as a woman or "in-between" in those years. I didn't care about others judgements. At that time passing wasn't an issue, since I wasn't concerned with it. I was just being me.

      I look back on those years with happiness and regret. I am happy that I was able to be so open, but that I did not seek something further like transition. That would have been the time!

      Years later I am still obsessed with womanhood. I've learned about about myself. I guess I would now identify myself as a TV.

      I haven't hid any desire for femininity in any relationship I've had with women in my life. In fact, they have all enjoyed it, but that may be why we were together.

      There were missed opportunities with men, but I haven't given up on that! I look back on a number of missed opportunities with some hot guys.

      I've realized something about my sexuality, I can't say I am a gay male, a straight MTF, a gay MTF, or any other label. I like the people I like, man or woman, I am attracted to the person.

      A couple of years following college I was with the same GG. Not to brag, but I passed as a woman and was hit on from time to time! As relationships move, we separated.

      There were some dark days following. I boxed up all my women's attire and tried acting like a man. I wanted to learn to hunt (fail), watch football (sort of fail), etc... I was convinced that I could repress who I was and be a man. However, I couldn't bring myself to get rid of my wigs and clothes!

      I eventually met a woman (now my wife) who loved me. First, she went through my underwear drawer and discovered I only had mens thongs and string bikinis. She loved it!

      On one of our fist sleep overs at my apartment, she asked to use some antiperspirant. She found that all I had was women's! Later, she was snooping in my apartment and found my trunk full of heels, clothes, and wigs. She didn't run for the hills.

      We were very sexual and open with each other. However, we really didn't discuss my desires as I repressed them. We talked about a lot of other fun endeavors, some of which we have done and others we still hope to do.

      After our marriage I had to start satisfying my internal desire for womanhood again. I began to dress en-femme again. It started piece by piece and it was clear she was not sure what to make of it. It was not easy and the source of many arguments. We hit some really low points. She felt betrayed.

      Eventually, we grew together and my wife became to love me as a woman more than a man. She couldn't wait for the weekend and see Lesley. Fortunately, I had a work schedule that allowed for more time as a woman than a man!

      For a number of years, my wife and I enjoyed me living as a woman on the weekends. For at least three days a week from the time we got out of bed till we went to sleep I was a woman.

      We went grocery shopping, watched movies, lunch, etc... as girlfriends. I passed as a woman. Dressing rooms, lunch, dinner, walks in the city, etc... Passing became a need and obsession. I must admit, that I passed. The yearning, obsession, and need to pass became extremely strong. I wanted and had to be a woman. We had many long talks... I began researching hormones and surgery.

      The transition from the weekend to the work week where I was a man, boo, was not easy for either of us. I often heard that I was nicer as a woman. The abrupt changes were not easy on either of us.

      We took several trips to Vegas as girlfriends. Week long vacations, just us girls. Those are some of my favorite memories. We went clubbing, shopping, dining, roller-coaster riding, etc...

      She went with me to my first laser hair removal appointment even. For about a year and a half I was doing laser treatments on my face. She supported me through all of it.

      There was a time when we discussed breast implants and more. I was so used to being en-femme that my body movements, voice, and persona just became feminine and passable.

      Suddenly, a change came to our family. A child whom I love dearly.

      I was spiraled into repression again for a year or so. Of course, the woman in me keeps fighting her way back to the surface.

      Now, basically if I am not at work, I am wearing makeup, women's clothes, perfume, have my bits taped down... I spend three days a week wishing for the four I get to be me.

      I am questioning my ties to my male life. Should I let it go for good? I am so glad I found the GS and have a place to talk and learn from some very strong people.

      * I will get a photo on my profile soon!
      This post was edited by Lesley M at September 28, 2013 2:30 PM BST
    • September 28, 2013 2:19 PM BST
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      That was a really nice post Lesley. I think you have found the place you were looking for, even if you didn't know you were looking.  This place is a wonderful place to to find, and make friends, and get support also.  I hope you like it here, and I look forward to bumping into you, and hopfully getting to know you better.

    • September 28, 2013 2:23 PM BST
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      Thank you Briana. I joined GS about a week ago and have been poking around and reading. Just getting to know who the members are. So far I am amazed at the knowledge and support that everyone has and shares.

      I always wondered if there was something like GS out there on the web. Then I found it!
    • September 28, 2013 7:38 PM BST
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      An interesting post Lesley, and it is always complicated when children enter your life. But have you asked yourself why can't you still be feminine and a parent. There are plenty of same sex couples who are just that and their children grow up perfectly normal.

       

      To use myself as an example, I have children, the youngest of which is just about to turn six and I am still married to my wife. Of course, there are hiccups, for example at parent/school meetings as everyone expects a man and a woman to show up, but this has not had any effect on my children. My 9 year old has her friends for sleepovers etc just like any normal girl her age and they are both excelling in school. Their friends are initially surprised to not find a 'dad' but that lasts about 5 minutes and they then forget all about it. Their friend just has two 'mums' instead. 

       

      I only post this as I cannot imagine having to continue to live a 'false life' instead of being who you want to be. As we always say here, once the genie is out of the bottle you cannot put her back, and do you really want to do that and live a duel life? 

       

      It's very difficult, as I know only too well, because I'm sure you quite rightly put your family before yourself, which is as it should be in my opinion, and only you can decide what the best way forward is. But whatever the future holds, I hope you and your family are very happy. 

       

      ____________________________________

      Nikki x

    • September 28, 2013 11:55 PM BST
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      Nikki, I admire your strength and what you say is true. There is no reason that I can't be a woman and a parent at the same time.

      As you saw in the original post, I have to stop putting the genie back in the bottle. That is what I have to work through.

      Knowing that there are people like you who make it happen gives me the strength to push myself. I am lucky that I have a supportive and loving wife to work through this with.
    • September 29, 2013 1:04 PM BST
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      Hi Lesley, your wife will, of course, be key in working through this. Whatever path you choose, I wish you the very best. 

      ____________________________________

      Nikki x

    • October 7, 2013 11:52 AM BST
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      Hello, Lesley, and a very big welcome. Be true to yourself, but never forget theother people in your marriage!

       

      Best to you and your family.

       

      Hugs,

      Amanda

    • October 8, 2013 1:37 PM BST
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      I consider myself lucky to be married to such a wonderful woman. She is my best friend, shoulder to cry on, supporter, lover, and so much more.

      My journey is our journey and I would not have it any other way.
    • October 8, 2013 3:29 PM BST
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      Hi Lesley. Welcome to GS. Thank you for sharing your story. By the sound of it this has already been a long road for you and the fact your wife knows and has been open and even supported you some I'd think is a good sign for you both regarding your future. You are lovely too and I adore that open shoulder top!!  hugs Jessica

    • October 11, 2013 10:52 PM BST
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      Thank you Jessica!  Girl you look gorgeous!  You have some fun pics. 

       

      I didn't realize the journey I'd been on until I wrote it down.  Certainly, I lived it and knew all of that had happened, but it wasn't until I wrote it down that I realized how much I had experienced. 

       

      There are some changes going on in our lives that have made me question why I was clinging to a male identity so readily.  My wife and I are on a bit of kick to get back to our old ways of being girlfriends!  Our son is now four years old and he does not even care that I present as a woman at certain parts of the day. 

       

      That picture is from a great night we had where we stayed up far too late and had romance planned, but instead we talked about our future for hours!  It was a great night.

       

      Hugs...Lesley

    • October 12, 2013 2:49 AM BST
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      Lesly,

      I find your story so touching. I very much wish my ex-wife had been as supportive, your wife sounds like an angel.

      I wish my story was similar to yours, in your shoes with all that support I'd like to think that I'd have been living full time years ago, but instead fear pins me down.

      Certainly I'm in no possition to give advice apart from this, whatever you do to make your family happy, make sure you are one of the happy ones too.

       

      Katja x

    • October 28, 2013 10:11 AM GMT
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      This is... touching to say the least, a very heart warming yet also pythotic story. It would make an interesting book you could call it "labelless", with the right wording it could make a brilliant emotion based tale of discuvery like the bit in Frankenstine when the monster regales his life.

      Now on a less serious note:

      ummmmmm, satin panties...

      This post was edited by Rebecca Bryan at October 28, 2013 10:13 AM GMT
    • October 31, 2013 1:31 AM GMT
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      Katja Brandt said:

      Lesly,

      I find your story so touching. I very much wish my ex-wife had been as supportive, your wife sounds like an angel.

      I wish my story was similar to yours, in your shoes with all that support I'd like to think that I'd have been living full time years ago, but instead fear pins me down.

      Certainly I'm in no possition to give advice apart from this, whatever you do to make your family happy, make sure you are one of the happy ones too.

       

      Katja x


      I am very fortunate to be with the most amazing woman in the world! She loves me...all of me. Just last night we had such a great conversation. She said she is more concerned with my happiness and ultimately our happiness than anything else. She said she was fine with the fact that if I begin to transition and we stayed together she would be presented to others as a lesbian. All I can say is that she is a wonderful woman. We share so many of the same dreams and goals. I am very lucky!
    • October 31, 2013 1:40 AM GMT
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      Rebecca Bryan said:

      This is... touching to say the least, a very heart warming yet also pythotic story. It would make an interesting book you could call it "labelless", with the right wording it could make a brilliant emotion based tale of discuvery like the bit in Frankenstine when the monster regales his life.

      Now on a less serious note:

      ummmmmm, satin panties...


      I've always thought about writing! I scored decent marks in school. I just never thought I had a story to tell. When I began to write my profile piece and ultimately my intro piece I just kept adding more. I kept it to a cheeky little bit but there is so much more to my story... All of us have so much to tell. Journeys are just that....a long series of events that culminate in a crescendo. There is a great story about a time that I had to break into my friends apartment by kicking out a glass window with my heels because we locked ourselves out! Stuff like that is what makes a life.

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