• October 2, 2013 3:15 PM BST

    So I'm at work yesterday and the mailclerk starts handing out letters from upper management. At this point, I'm thinking "Oh crap, how am I gonna tell my family I got laid off?" Fortunately, I'm only 29 years old. You'll understand when you read the letter.

    Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

    Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

    Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
    Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

    Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of **** it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring to the attention of your Manager. They have been trained to give you all the **** you can get.

    Great, as if I didn't get enough **** already....

  • October 2, 2013 3:26 PM BST


    • 214 posts
    October 2, 2013 3:42 PM BST

    so this is the sort of thing you learn at law school is it crissi - pmsl

    • 1 posts
    October 2, 2013 4:57 PM BST


    • 315 posts
    October 2, 2013 5:04 PM BST


    ROFLMAO !!!

  • October 2, 2013 5:10 PM BST

    Eventually those working till they reach the recognised  retirement age  will have their pensions worked out by PERV

    (permanent employment rateable value)

    • 146 posts
    October 2, 2013 6:48 PM BST

    showing my Age .. I remember when Special High intensity Training   was known as  Career Related Advancement Program 

  • October 2, 2013 8:23 PM BST
    Brilliant Crissie! : ))
    • 109 posts
    April 13, 2014 5:30 PM BST
    Dies laughing.