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Wow Morinth,

First of all, thank you for sharing. 

I am a fellow nerd and Mass Effect was one of my favorite games.  This is a beautiful metaphor to describe your feelings. 

How do you feel to be married?  Do you like being with a woman?  She seems very nice does she know how you feel? 

Sorry if I am crossing the line and asking too many personal questions. 

Your hair sounds nice!  

Hi Maxine,

Thank you so much for the kind words.

You ask some difficult questions - but there is no need to apologize for asking them!

How do I feel about being married?  My wife is my best friend, and sometimes it feels like my only friend.  I do love her, but she does not know about any of my gender dysphoria issues.  I decided years ago when a therapist first diagnosed me with gender dysphoria that I would simply deny it all, accept my male body, and just live as a male.  Sounds like an easy enough plan - right?

Well, I have finally learned, this is not something I can repress.  In fact, the more I repress it - the more self-destructive, high-risk behavior comes out.  

I have an appointment to see therapist to talk about these issues.  Hopefully, I will learn more about what my options are and how to deal with all this. But I do have mixed feelings about being married.  In spite of the positive aspects of it, I feel locked in a male role.  My wife enjoys my male body.  If I were transition, it would be very hard on her and most likely end our marriage.  I don't know if I could subject her to that.  On the other hand, I wonder how long I can keep up the act.  It was my 42nd birthday today.  I woke up thinking: I have statistically 35 years left to live.  I don't know if I can continue being a chameleon for that long.  On the other hand - will I feel any different if I transition?

You asked do I like being with a woman.  I assume you are getting into the issue of orientation.  First off - I envy her body -

It is weird, it never has felt natural for me to penetrate a woman during intercourse.  I have to imagine myself as female in order to really enjoy it.  I have always been attracted to women.  Though as I get in touch with my "female" side I do think about being intimate with men.  I have actually had a few experiences with men.  Even though I don't dress as female, being sexual with a man makes me feel very feminine.  It is a much different type of energy - but I do like it.

Thanks for your note, Maxxine!  I look forward to corresponding with you more in the future!

-Morinth

Dear Morinth,

First of all, let me thank you for being so courageous in your response.  I also do apologize for being so forward, I just feel that there are many who will see this post and gain solace or understanding, and maybe even be able to impart some advice based on personal experiences. 

My heart goes out to you with your struggle with duality.  I am sure we can all identify with this. 

I am sure you love your wife with all of your heart and she loves you.  I do think that we only have one life to live and people come into our lives for a season, a reason or a lifetime ( I know corny!) and it sounds like there are unexplored chapters of your life that you may regret not reading in the winter season of your life.  It also sounds like your wife is being robbed of some joy that she could feel with another man who will be able to be with her 100% as a man like she wants. 

If the love you share is as strong as you describe, then I know that although there may be a rough ride there, the destination will be more bright than you both could imagine. 

I know what you mean about the difference between the male and female energy.  I still enjoy being with women but I love being with them as woman, not a man.  Does that sound strange?  It's like I'm a gay man / lesbian LOL Talk about confused!

I guess what I like about those situations isn't necessarily the sex, but rather the prowress and the thrill of it.  Most of the women I hook up with are "experimenting" and they think I'm beautiful and also that I'm a woman!  They think they are having a lesbian experience.  I have told some women this and we have had sex, but they are slightly wierded out by it usually. 

I have only been able to have relationships with gay men and am on the fence about whether or not to have a full procedure soon.

Sounds like you are a very good person and have a lot of things figured out . . . I always just try to live life true to myself and also think about my action's impact on others, but not to the extent where I rob myself or others of joy. 

I hope you can glean some solace/advice/positivity from this message!  Once again, thanks for sharing!

Best always xxoo

Maxxine