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Any other MtFs dealing with this?

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  • Intro:

    I am just curious if anyone has dealt with this kind of 'love hostage' situation before, and how to best approach it. I am not looking to make the situation worse, or break up our family... and maybe there isn't an easy answer... but I hope there IS a better solution than feeling miserable everyday.

     

    Super brief bio:

    Born male, but never comfortable in a male role

    Spent 35 years as a closet cross-dresser

    Became unsatsified and needed more than just pretty clothes

    Began buying make-up, wigs, shoes, more clothes

    Started shaving legs/arms/chest

    Got caught by my girlfriend of 10+ years and asked to seek counseling

    Discovered I was suffering from GID, and diagnosed a trans-gendered woman

    Came out to friends, family, parents, work... everything goes pretty smooth

     

    Present day:

    My girlfriend of 10+ years, and mother of my children decided that there is no way she can be with a woman. She simply stated that she wasn't a lesbian and won't become one just because I am transitioning. I have tried talking with her, telling her that I am EXACTLY the same person inside, but she won't have it. I tried showing her what I look like in photos as a woman, but she refuses to look. I tried getting her to watch my youtube videos or visit my facebook page, but she doesn't want to go near them. She insists that our relationship is officially OVER, but also won't acknowledge my femininity. She seems constantly threatened by every advance I make in my transition, and won't openly discuss it without a great deal of snarky comments or angry tones. The only time she SEEMS happy is when I am doing mundane things, while dressed in 'drab' (Regular boy clothes), while I give my kids rides, or go to the store with her. It's like she is hoping that I will just give up and things will return to 'normal', when I was unhappy.

     

    Birthday... victory... maybe...:

    My 36th birthday was on March 3rd. I told my girlfriend how my parents were so accepting of my transition and how they bought me a giftcard to Sephora. She seemed put off by that news, and flat out told me that it wasn't fair that my parents got to be the 'cool ones' who were all okay with everything going on with me. So on my birthday she bought me some girl clothes, giftcards, ear piercing kit, make-up accessories, ect... I was really happy about it all, I thought to myself "Finally, she is getting on board and even if our intimate relationship is gone, at least she is okay with me now". In the week after my birthday, she was distant, and seemed angry about the tiniest things. She would talk to me like I was a stupid child, or an unwelcome house guest... in my own home. It's such a hurtful and painful thing to deal with, when the person you love most suddenly treats you like an annoying neighbor.

     

    Future?:

    80% of the time, she is being 'civil', in the most basic sense of the word, but she makes it VERY clear that 'female me' isn't welcome. I am nearing my official 'coming out' date this summer, when I go full time. I am worried that it will set off a potential chain reaction that could throw our family into upheaval. She is being 'civil' right now, but has made no real concessions about my transition, so I fear the possibility of even that basic level of civility being replaced with blatant anger and resentment. I don't want to disrupt our kids lives from mom and 'dad' fighting, but I honestly can't deal with being treated like an unwanted stray dog either.

     

    Has anyone dealt with this, can anyone give me some helpful advice, or pointers dealing with situations like this?

     

      March 12, 2014 7:24 AM GMT
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  • hello Lunari - I am not at these places in my transition, but know full well from the various tests I have done it will be very much the same - if not worse - but I know who I am, how I feel, and where I need to be in my mtf life. I have been, am, and will always be the girl I am and I know this. My wishes are for you in your journey and hopes for smooth times in times to come - there are times this can happen. it is great that your parents are on board - that is a huge thing in itself. There are many here you can reach out to with similar experiences, can offer support and some advice. All the best in your journey girlfriend! hugs, Briana : )
      March 12, 2014 11:16 AM GMT
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  • Lunari, I am sorry to hear about what you are going through - both of you.  However, your girlfriend got together with you as a man, and had your babies.  She suddenly found out - and not from you, directly -  about your need to transition, and in herself, does not want to be in a relationship with a woman.  That is about as bad as it gets.  On the surface of things, if you transition, you are out.

     

    The way your relationship appears to be going, I think your only chance of reaching a mutually acceptable solution (even if that is possible at all) is through couple counselling with a gender therapist.  If you are open to that - great, and if you can get your girlfriend to consider it, even better.

     

    You said "It's such a hurtful and painful thing to deal with, when the person you love most suddenly treats you like an annoying neighbor."  Try to remember that it is probably almost true to suddeny find out that the father of your children wants to be a woman, and that's why she is doing it.

      March 12, 2014 3:51 PM GMT
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  • Thank you both for your replies!!  =(^-^)=

     

    @Briana Q: Having my parents on board is a HUUUUUGE thing, as you said. The whole reason I was 'in the closet' for 35 years, was because my dad did his best to -suppress- my more feminie side in his intemperant younger years. I think he was embarassed by the notion that his 8 year old son liked wearing moms clothes, and did his best not to let that get out to the rest of the family. So when they both hugged me with happy tears in their eyes, telling me "We love you completely. We were always afraid you weren't happy". It was a big deal, and it makes me all misty eyed thinking about it. LOL

     

    @Amanda Bruce: I have suggested couples therapy, in fact it's one of the services my therapist excells in. She said it seemed like a good idea, at first... but later she expressed complete disinterest in the whole idea. I know for a brief time she spent a few hours each week in a 'trans relationship' therapy group for people with transitioning partners. She seemed to lose interest in that as well.

     

    I never lied to her, or intentionally decieved her about being a woman. Hell, I didn't fully understand, or KNOW about it myself until 9 months ago! So it's not like I just suddenly decided one day to switch gears and 'try something new' as a woman for a little while. The last 35 years, I have been looking at my reflection in a darkened room... someone finally opened the curtains and I can clearly see the whole picture now. I didn't DECIDE anything, other than to be happy finally. Even she acknowledges that I didn't just choose to be a woman out of the blue. So it's just so confusing... she seems to entertain the notion of TRYING to make it work... but not enough to follow through. Ugh, I am feeling like crying again... ack hormones. LOL

      March 12, 2014 4:38 PM GMT
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  • Lunari Natsume said:

    Intro:

    I am just curious if anyone has dealt with this kind of 'love hostage' situation before, and how to best approach it. I am not looking to make the situation worse, or break up our family... and maybe there isn't an easy answer... but I hope there IS a better solution than feeling miserable everyday.

     

    Super brief bio:

    Born male, but never comfortable in a male role

    Spent 35 years as a closet cross-dresser

    Became unsatsified and needed more than just pretty clothes

    Began buying make-up, wigs, shoes, more clothes

    Started shaving legs/arms/chest

    Got caught by my girlfriend of 10+ years and asked to seek counseling

    Discovered I was suffering from GID, and diagnosed a trans-gendered woman

    Came out to friends, family, parents, work... everything goes pretty smooth

     

    Present day:

    My girlfriend of 10+ years, and mother of my children decided that there is no way she can be with a woman. She simply stated that she wasn't a lesbian and won't become one just because I am transitioning. I have tried talking with her, telling her that I am EXACTLY the same person inside, but she won't have it. I tried showing her what I look like in photos as a woman, but she refuses to look. I tried getting her to watch my youtube videos or visit my facebook page, but she doesn't want to go near them. She insists that our relationship is officially OVER, but also won't acknowledge my femininity. She seems constantly threatened by every advance I make in my transition, and won't openly discuss it without a great deal of snarky comments or angry tones. The only time she SEEMS happy is when I am doing mundane things, while dressed in 'drab' (Regular boy clothes), while I give my kids rides, or go to the store with her. It's like she is hoping that I will just give up and things will return to 'normal', when I was unhappy.

     

    Birthday... victory... maybe...:

    My 36th birthday was on March 3rd. I told my girlfriend how my parents were so accepting of my transition and how they bought me a giftcard to Sephora. She seemed put off by that news, and flat out told me that it wasn't fair that my parents got to be the 'cool ones' who were all okay with everything going on with me. So on my birthday she bought me some girl clothes, giftcards, ear piercing kit, make-up accessories, ect... I was really happy about it all, I thought to myself "Finally, she is getting on board and even if our intimate relationship is gone, at least she is okay with me now". In the week after my birthday, she was distant, and seemed angry about the tiniest things. She would talk to me like I was a stupid child, or an unwelcome house guest... in my own home. It's such a hurtful and painful thing to deal with, when the person you love most suddenly treats you like an annoying neighbor.

     

    Future?:

    80% of the time, she is being 'civil', in the most basic sense of the word, but she makes it VERY clear that 'female me' isn't welcome. I am nearing my official 'coming out' date this summer, when I go full time. I am worried that it will set off a potential chain reaction that could throw our family into upheaval. She is being 'civil' right now, but has made no real concessions about my transition, so I fear the possibility of even that basic level of civility being replaced with blatant anger and resentment. I don't want to disrupt our kids lives from mom and 'dad' fighting, but I honestly can't deal with being treated like an unwanted stray dog either.

     

    Has anyone dealt with this, can anyone give me some helpful advice, or pointers dealing with situations like this?

     

    I just need to move this link

      March 13, 2014 12:12 AM GMT
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  • Hi Lunari,

     

    You touched a nerve in me since I am working diligently with counselors on coming out to my spouse.  There are a lot of issues in play here, which is why this gets so complicated and personal.  It is easy for some to say that you were not honest with your spouse.  There is a certain amount of truth in that, but as you said you only recently came to terms with this, so to say that you knowingly deceived her is not true.  You said you are exactly the same person inside, which again has a certain amount of truth in it as well, but not from her perspective.  From her perspective she married a man and you now want to be woman.  Just a guess but I would think she won't support your transition because she wants the person she married, and to her you are no longer the same person, and the transition will make that permanent.  I used to say I am the same person inside that I used to me, but then I realized that was not true - and that is not necessarily a bad thing.  I am more sensitive now than I ever was before - I view the world differently.  I am more accepting of people and their differences, because I know I myself am different so I know what it feels like.  Yes I still like music and sports, but I also notice how other girls dress, and I can sense feelings more than I used to.  So it would not be fair to say I am the same person - I am not, and that's OK, I like the new me better.

     

    People change over their lives in many ways - some changes families accept, others they do not.  And this is a tough one, because the realization of who you are inside and the perception that your family has of you outside are at complete odds with each other.  Somewhere in there you will have to decide what is the right course.  It is good that you ask for help, but ultimately this is something you will need to figure out for yourself.  And like a lot of things in life, there is no guide to tell you what the right outcome is and what the right path is - ultimately you will need to find that yourself, and no one call tell you what that is.

     

    This probably sounds like babbling - it did to me the first few times I heard it too.  But over time it is making more sense.  You are at a life changing point - there is no turning back.  As much as your spouse may like it, you will never be able to go back and be the same person you were before coming out to her - that is why my counselor has always pushed back on me to make sure that I am ready before I do come out, because there is no turning back.  You have to decide how to go forward, and it sounds like it will be a choice between how authentic you can be vs. your spouse's lack of acceptance.  You obviously still love her, but think of it this way - the two of you were on a journey together, and your path took a left turn, not of your own choosing, because there is nothing about these feelings that is a choice.  So now you have to choose a new path, and she may or may not choose to come with you on that path.  It is a gut wrenching difficult decision, because there will be negative impacts no matter which path you choose.  So all you can do is try to weigh all the factors and make a decision.  Just don't wait too long, because you will have to choose at some point, probably sooner than later.

     

    Hope this helps a little.  Hang in there and know you can always reach out for support if you need it.  Make sure you have your support network in place - you will need it now more than ever.

     

    Hugs,

     

    Elizabeth

      March 13, 2014 4:47 PM GMT
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  • 373
    This is a sad situation with no easy answers. I wish you luck and hope things work out for the best somehow, whatever that may be : )
      March 17, 2014 4:29 PM GMT
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  • Thank you ALL for your kind and thoughtful responses. I really do appreciate it, and it's helped me cope, while trying to figure out the rest of the stuff.

     

    Little update:

     

    So things are smoothing out a bit, and I am thankful for that. She (my gf) has been much more sweet lately, and the hurtful comments have dwindled down quite a lot. I will take what ever I can get! I can only imagine things will get a little easier for both of us as time goes on... I am hopeful, but I won't fool myself into believing that we can get back together. Friends is the best I can hope for, and I will be fine with that, as long as things remain civil between us.

     

    In the end, I just want to have her in my life... even if she is just my best friend.

      March 17, 2014 5:18 PM GMT
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