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From Court Transcripts ?????

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  • 1.  Lawyer to Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


    2.  Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Lawyer: And Mr. Johnson was dead at the time?
    Witness: No, he was sitting on the table asking why I was doing an autopsy.



    3. 
    Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check  for a pulse?
    Witness: No.
    Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
    Witness: No.
    Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
    Witness: No.
    Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive  when you began the autopsy?
    Witness: No.
    Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    Witness: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.


    4.  Lawyer: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?


    5.  Lawyer: (Showing the witness a picture) That's You?  Witness: Yes.

    Lawyer: And you where present when the picture was taken

     

    6.   Lawyer: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
    Witness: What do you think counselor.


    7.  Lawyer: What happened then?

    Witness: He said, "I have to kill you because you can identify me"
    Lawyer. And did he kill you?
    Witness: Yes!

     


    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
    This post was edited by Cristine Jennifer Shye. BL at April 7, 2014 1:56 PM BST
      April 5, 2014 9:55 PM BST
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  • LOL....

      April 6, 2014 6:24 PM BST
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  • A make your morning post.  Thanks.  It is now on my desktop, and will be forwarded around my circle of friends and acquaintences.

     

    Bobbi

      April 7, 2014 1:44 PM BST
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  • Makes me wonder how people manage to remain practising law asking crazy questions like this LOL.

    This post was edited by Former Member at April 7, 2014 7:12 PM BST
      April 7, 2014 7:11 PM BST
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  • More of the same.

     

    • Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

    The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

     

    • Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
    • Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.
    •  Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

     

           Lawyer:  The defendant, who you have idetified in court as the person who assaulted you and punched you in the nose,

             is that the same nose as the one you broke in a fall when you were a child?

           

     

    • Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
    • Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

     

    Lawyer,   Doctor you testified, contrary to other witness statements that the claimant was shot in the woods.

    Doctor, No, I did not.

    Lawyer to court recorder, would you please read back the begining of the doctors statement.

    Court recorder ''The patient was badly wounded in the lumbar region, at first  it  appeared  to be a single entry wound, in my opinion he had been shot.''


     


    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
    This post was edited by Cristine Jennifer Shye. BL at April 7, 2014 9:41 PM BST
      April 7, 2014 9:21 PM BST
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  • Please, please post more.
     
    On Friday 2nd July 1993, 7 weeks before my 21st birthday on a sunny, aarmish day, I got knocked over by a silly 18 year old girl who was driving her dad's car 2 years after getting her driving licence.  Nearly a year later in court her lawyer tried feebly to blame me because of my visually impairment.  
     
    The court room had a window which showed a main road and 3 advertisement boards across the road.  The window was on the second floor, so at the window you can see the traffic but barely see the traffic going from the left to the right if you were standing at the other end of the room.  The lawyer and the firl was sitting next to the window and I was sitting on the other side of the room in the "witness box" (vbasically a chair and table).  
     
    I was told to stand up (I then knew what was coming) by the lawyer who asked me if I could see anything out of the window.  I said I could see the 3 advertisement boards on ther other side of the road.  She said she meant could I see the traffic outside of the window.  I replied that I could only see the cars and a lorry going from my left to the right.  (The lorry had a blue side with red and yellow lettering)  I was then asked if I could see the lettering on the lorry, which I replied yes and then I was told to sit down.  Basically the lawyer tried and failed miserably to prove that I was fully blind but as soon as she told me to stand up, I saw what she was trying to do with the road.  
     
    I could have done much a better job than her and I am not a lawyer.
      April 12, 2014 3:42 PM BST
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  • Defence lawher:- Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

     

    Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
    A: I'll be three months on November 8.
    Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
    A: Yes.
    Q: What were you doing at that time?

    A:  Duh! I was washing the car.

    Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
    A: I used to be, up until now.
    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

     

    A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

     

    Prosecution lawyer you left the house at approximately 030am So you were gone until you returned?

    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      July 10, 2014 4:50 PM BST
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  • A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, fearing that his client would probably be convicted anyway, resorted to a ruse.

    "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all. Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"

     

    He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all
    looked on eagerly.

     

    A minute passed. Nothing happened.

     

    Finally, the lawyer said:

     

    "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

    The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

    "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of
    you stare at the door."

    The jury foreman replied:

    "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't think it was important enough to get him to put in an appearance and give testimony as to his good health''.

     

    The following exchange is reported as having occurred in Paris where the bench was comprised of three judges. The president of the court turned to his colleague on his right and asked for a suggestion. "Three years", said the judge. The president then turned to his other associate who suggested "four years." Then, the presiding judge turned to the prisoner:

    "Prisoner, not desiring to give you a long and severe term of imprisonment, of five years as I should have done if left to myself, I have consulted my learned brothers and shall take their advice. you will go to prison for seven years ."

     

     

     

    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      September 8, 2015 6:32 PM BST
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  • Apparently a law still in force today, states it shall be deemed a criminal act to die in the houses if Parliament.

     

    WTF, will the dead person then be sentanced to spend a term of incarceration in the Tower of London????     Perhaps if it was rather a bad death, would they be hung drawn and quartered.

    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      January 13, 2017 6:53 PM GMT
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  • When we had that hung parliment I was thining, og good, but then I realised that they weren't to be hung.  Pity.
      January 13, 2017 6:56 PM GMT
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