Forum » Gender Society Public Forums » Significant Others Info » DH is going through gender confusion

DH is going through gender confusion

Tags : None
This topic has been closed.
  • I'm 23, my dh is 29 on the 22nd and we will be married 4 years on the 14th. In December I found him in a thong in the shower, he kept this from me and had stopped having sex....it's a long story to get there, anywho I embraced it as a panty fetish which he believed was what it was.

    Then he tried on my clothes and enjoyed that as well. We looked into it and he originally felt that transvestite fit him (we didn't really look past sexual fetishes)

    We embraced that as well but he is moving past it being sexual only. He says he feels right in women's clothing. He bought a wig and breast forms and wants me to do his make up as well. It's not longer just arousing, he feels right and now refers to himself when dressed up as Elizabeth.

    Now he isn't confused because he does still want to be a man at times but also wants to be Elizabeth openly and freely as well. He is talking about breast implants and I understand that he may be bigender but because we have 2 small children (will be 1 and 2 next month) he needs to choose which side pulls more toward. Either a female in daily life and man in private or vice versa.

    That's where his confusion is. He feels that he doesn't know who he is anymore and where he stands. I know this will take time and I'm trying to be as supportive as I can and helping him research and find answers but idk what else I can do? Has anyone gone through this? Is he really just a transvestite anyways or is there some amount of gender identity truly happening?

    Thank you so much for any a dive and help
      August 12, 2014 7:21 PM BST
    0
  • * he is confused.
      August 12, 2014 7:22 PM BST
    0
  • I cannot tell you if he is  just transvetite or has more gender identity resolutions needing to be amended, but I can tell you a little of my personal story. Like most *transgender-ladies,  ( I am m2f)  I very early felt I was in the wrong body. Now I am trying to get on Hormones, etc. For me it took accepting myself, which took a little while. I think everyone in every walk of life needs to know whom why are in a kind, confident, yet gentle way.

      August 12, 2014 8:28 PM BST
    0
  • Marissa Mallo said:

    In all this, you haven't  talked about what you are feeling about finding all this out about the person you love. How are you doing?



    I am feeling ok at the moment. I know 100% that I am by his(or her? I'm not quite sure what to say) side no matter where this takes us. Even if that means my husband becomes my wife. But it is huge and new so I do have pangs of sadness about seeing him dressed as a woman. It's only for a moment. But it's also new to me so it hasn't been normalized for us yet.
      August 12, 2014 9:04 PM BST
    0
  • It is good that you haven't gone and bolted out the door.Kudos young Lady, your youth is instilled with commitment and a need for understanding. Aside from the obvious, some counselling, an open line of communication, and your willingness to work together in this. It is important for Elizabeth to really be not only honest with the WHOLE picture with you but also herself. You both need to set ground rules of what is acceptable or not and also make important decisions together for the best of EVERYONE right down to the children. Good luck with all that is on the road you travel. The path that led you here is obviously due to your need to get support and to get a grasp on the VAST umbrella that makes each and everyone a little different from the next when it goes past the actual act and need to dress.
      August 12, 2014 9:05 PM BST
    0
  • I'm currently looking to find some affordable counseling (we are low income) and obviously a councilor that knows gender identity. From what I have read, for adults realizing it, that it does tend to come from the transvestic fetish because they think it's just sexual but once he embraced that it very quickly moved from sexual to bringing up gender feelings. And it seems, although slowly, the more he opens up and accepts it, the more towards a woman he leans.
      August 12, 2014 9:07 PM BST
    0
  • Firstly Miranda, I must admit, posts like yours suprise me, no mention of an initial feeling of disgust, dissapointment and betrayal.   your a very cool and collected person.

     

    It's a lot to take in,   The members of our little world are as diverse and varied as you can get, from the fetish aspect, to the genetically induced aspect of gender dysphoria and being born with an inherant physical appearance. ''Intersex''

     

    Cross dressing does not automatically mean a person is ''trangendered'' ''transexual'' confused is generally the initial stage.    Examples of none fetish behavour, would be someone who is stressed, post stress disorders spring to mind, say an ex soldier, who has experienced some horrific experience, dresses as an extreme  form  of escapism, literally sheds the male self and becomes the opposite gender for short periods.

     

    It is essential that a proper diagnosis is obtained, see a gender councellor.   He has to get this right for your sake and the sake of the children.   There is still uneducated bigoted people out there, life may become very difficult, family and friends might not be so understanding.   It won't just be him that is subject to ridicule and scurilous remarks, you will be as well for putting up with his behavour and allowing him to do it.   Children can be very cruel as well to their peers as they grow up.

     

    Forget breast implants, if he is cross gender and sometimes wants to revert to a male role, they cannot be unzipped and hidden away.

     

    If he is of a definate mind to transition full time, thats something different, and even then one does not imediately go out and get breast implants, being put on a regime of HRT.

     

    Apart from a general  gender confusion condition there are scientific physical and genetic abherations, mutations that can cause Gender Identity disorders, 'GID'

     

    http://gendersociety.com/forums/topic/7790/synopsis-of-the-etiology-of-gend

     

    Ask all the questions you need to, support is here, for families and those affected, glad you joined.

     

     

    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      August 12, 2014 9:22 PM BST
    0
  • Right on Christine, I could have been typing till tomorrow trying to articulate what you did in not so many words.

    Miranda, you need to ask alot of questions and need to clarify where things are going to go from here. A diagnosis from a professional will at least be a good way for you to move past alot of hypothetical that might be going on in your head, but it will also provide you BOTH with a real.starting point of where EVERYONE is going from that point on.
      August 12, 2014 9:34 PM BST
    0
  • When I first found him in a thong there was a feeling of betrayal because I felt like I had failed him as a wife to make him feel that he couldn't share that part if himself with me. And there was a lot of different events the last 4 years leading up to this that was hard and ugly so now that it's finally out and he's being 100% transparent instead of lies and secrecy I'm more relieved than anything. I have no disgusts for it, it's part if him and I love him. I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to call him in general. Right now he's Elizabeth when dressed.

    I will definitely get on the ball of making a therapist appointment. It's hard for me to only be able to be there for him when I can't imagine just how hard this must be for him. He also wants to talk to others, I can't remember if I already said this, so I might have him hop on with my acct and make his own post.

    I appreciate all the answers :) thank you so much for the advice so far! And if I refer to anything wrong please correct me, I'm really new to this and don't want to offend unintentionally.
      August 12, 2014 11:33 PM BST
    0
  • He also knows that if he does decide it transition it will take years and HRT as well. And that it's not something he can do if he does realize he only enjoys to crossdress.
      August 12, 2014 11:39 PM BST
    0
  • Miranda I personally think you are an amazing woman. Never ever think you have failed him/she . Crissie has pointed out very well it is a disorder , it is not your disorder but it is affecting you and is impacting on your life. You never thought you were going to marry a woman did you? If you had known would you still have married him (him at the time) Did you ever think you would have 2 beautiful children by a man to later become a woman?. You never signed up for this did you?.

     

    Have you noticed the question marks I have used in a few lines? . You are full of questions and you need answers , you have come to the right place. I called you amazing! You are handling this very well. In an ideal world he should have been honest with you from the start , would you have still married him if you had known? . You do both need some professional help , it seems from what I have read he wants to be she more everyday that passes. You have to think ahead of what may happen , it is not going to go away and he did know before he married you. He/she is still the same person on the inside it is the changes on the outside that are or will be hard.

     

    Now can I ask you a question please? You do not have to answer it. You are a woman , did you not notice anything different? Sorry this will be more than one question . Being a woman you know if you are talking to a male don't you? and being a woman you know if you are talking to female , were there no clues?. The only reason I am asking that is because that is who you fell in love with.

     

    A gender psychologist will figure it out for him/her. There is a lot you can or may have allready figured out for yourself . Being a woman as you know is not just about the clothes you wear , being a woman comes from within. I am no specialist but I have come accross many men who think they are female , I know the difference. There have been many come here saying they are transexual , just reading a few posts by them I can clearly see they are not. Being transexual is not a badge of honour as some here seem to think.

     

    I hope things go well for you both and never forgetting your children.

     

    Again you are amazing , take care .

     

    Julia xx

      August 13, 2014 12:29 AM BST
    0
  • There's one this he has said that's maybe me question if he's actually transexual or just bigender or maybe just still a fetish.

    Says he wants to be a woman and take on his woman "persona" but when it comes to his body he wants to keep his penis. He said since he's still sexually attracted to me it wouldn't make sense to change it? I was thinking maybe he's bigender and although the "manly" part of his is still there, it may be less than the woman part but that's why he still wants his penis? I'm not sure...
      August 13, 2014 1:54 AM BST
    0
  • 155
    Hi Miranda, there sure have been some fantastic replies to your post....Julia asked some brilliant questions and Christine's post was equally brilliant. I hope you don't mind me asking you this because what is said in G.S. stays in G.S. You said that if you husband transitions you would then have a wife. Be sure to realise that you would then to all intents and purposes be living with a woman in every sense but the original birth gender. So, I feel that I MUST ask you this as you seem like a woman in a million....as you are prepared to accept whatever decision you husband (at the moment) makes and stand beside regardless, Were you ever bi/curious in your own life at any time? The reason I ask is that you can love someone so much that it can become "blind love" in so much as you will want to hold on to them no matter what they put you through or whoever they become, and, if this is the case then over the years you may become resentful of this. However, if you have ever harboured bi thoughts then it may not be as difficult for you to accept this, after all there are MANY loving female couples bringing up children these days! Good luck to you and your "partner" in the times ahead and keep us posted! Like Marissa says you are indeed "one in a million!" xoxoxo
      August 13, 2014 1:56 AM BST
    0
  • To the questions above: I want to think if he was out before we were married, that I would have stayed, but idk. I more committed to him now than even then. But I know if it was just a fetish then, I would have still stayed.

    In terms of picking up on it before...somewhat. He seems to be very in tune with women and feminine nature. He's not outwardly feminine before. Not "metro" didn't have feminine mannerisms. Just his personality and understanding seemed more than most men. I found a few things that pointed to either being a crossdresser or having a fetish for them. Always ladyboys? (Sorry I'm not sure of the right terms for that) and crossdressers. There was porn found and that was why we hardly had sex for 3 years, he chose it over me, which was hard on my self esteem (this was before I knew about the fetish).

    Saying this also makes me wonder if that's why he wants boobs only? He finds those in transition to be beautiful. Is there something like that genderly to want to "be both" like that?
      August 13, 2014 2:01 AM BST
    0
  • 155
    Hi again Miranda, maybe he just wants boobs only because he is afraid of losing you if he lost his penis....or he knows through research that not all surgeries are a complete success and may be worried about this also. There are many, many pre-op transsexuals that are perfectly happy in their lives and have no desire to take things further, but, I stress that it would have to work for BOTH of you! From your post so far it does seem like you are the one doing most of the giving! xoxoxo This post was edited by Linda T at August 13, 2014 5:00 AM BST
      August 13, 2014 2:10 AM BST
    0
  • I was bi curious when younger and did experiment. I find women to be beautiful and I love breasts but when I did have sex that completely answered my curiosity. It wasn't for me, I like penises. Now that's not to say that if dh did choose to go all the way that I couldn't get into it if we included a strap on occasionally. But he does seem pretty adamant, even with my being ok with it, that he wants to keep his penis.
      August 13, 2014 2:47 AM BST
    0
  • 155
    I do know that if MY wife would be okay with it that I would have no hesitation in losing my penis tomorrow.
      August 13, 2014 2:53 AM BST
    0
  • Hello everyone this is Miranda's husband I want to thank everyone of you for the support you have offered her through this if you have any questions for me please ask
      August 13, 2014 3:37 AM BST
    0
  • Thank you so much. So out of the this my wife has shared do you have any incite for me? I don't really know what to say or how to start my coming out seeing how you all know the situation. Lol
      August 13, 2014 4:16 AM BST
    0
  • 373
    May I suggest that Elizabeth open her own account? It can be done for free of course, and would certainly be much less likely to lead to confusion...
    Great post too btw.
    : )
      August 13, 2014 5:02 AM BST
    0
  • This is Miranda again. He is making his own account now :) good idea! Idk why I didn't think of that
      August 13, 2014 5:10 AM BST
    0
  • Because you told me to just use your phone lol. Anyway hello everyone. This is Elizabeth.
      August 13, 2014 5:37 AM BST
    0
  • Hi Elizabeth - Other options for what's going on that others have not expressed (that I've seen): gender queer (GQ) and gender fluid (GF).  I've also seen GF translated as gender f**ked as, obvously, you bounce back and forth and it doesn't always feel sane.

     

    Things that helped me was being specific to set date nights as Samuel, and taking on new activities as Samuel.  I found that blurring the lines between my female self and male self just added to the confusion.  In a while it may begin to feel imperitive that you merge both the male and female aspects together and chose a side.  Right now, though, you're still exploring what's important to you as female versus what's important to you as male.

     

    I have a female body.  Before puberty I wanted to be a mother.  After puberty the whole idea left me numb and feeling cold.  After I realized I had this side of me that wasn't female and started spending time deliberatly as that side I revisitied the idea of partenthood.  Motherhood left me feeling cold.  I couldn't connect to it.  Fatherhood . . . I'd make a damn good father.  Exploring that Idea helped quite a bit.  BUT it's not an idea I can currently act on.  So I've had to set it aside for a while.

     

    It may also help to reduce stress if you take the approach of on-table/off-table.  That is something small and important to be explored for a set time, but other things are off table while your focus is on that small important thing/aspect.  If you try this method you'll find it gets easier to work with and that by focusing on just the one thing - instead of trying to gulp it all down at one time - makes it easier to define and take on the aspects of Elizabeth that matter most.  

     

    Just some suggestions.  I hope things are going well for you.

    Sam

      August 13, 2014 8:17 AM BST
    0
  • Hi Miranda.

    I cannot advise you on how to handle your situation , no person here can please remember that. You will get support here and others experiences. Any changes you make in your live's have to be between you and your husband and your decisions , we are strangers to you and not qualified to advise you.

     

    I just wish to clear a few things up that "may" help. Ladyboy? The clue is in the name Lady-Boy (two genders) 99% of Ladyboys do not have gender identity issues , they do it for the money.

     

    Your income! You did say you are a low income family and there is no shame in that but , breast implants are very expensive , it is also hard to hide them. There may come a time when your husband wants them to be removed because of any problems they cause your husband , again very expensive. A gender psychologist will cost less and give you your answers before any mistakes are made. Your husband taking any HRT in the future could render his penis useless so think about that and talk to him about it. If he wants to keep it he obviously wants it to work and you would too I presume? It would mean no more children.

    I am really short of time right now so I cannot go into things to much but I will be back later . I have been searching for reasons to log in here lately and you have given me one so thank you.

    Please ask your husband one question for me , a simple yes or no please . Ask your husband if he is gay , you can respond here or PM me.

     

    Take care and I will read through this more later when I get a break.

     

    Julia xx

      August 13, 2014 9:27 AM BST
    0
  • Hi Maranda

    Welcome to GS Elizabeth is a very lucky girl having you on her side, I to am married wife knows about me but she never talks to mae about things I'd like to talk to her about, I never sure how to start the conversation fearing another argument.

    Christy Bradford
      August 13, 2014 10:22 AM BST
    0