Last night I came out to my wife. My life has been nothing but the endless cycle of dressing and feeling good about myself. Getting into a relationship and purging. Have that relationship go downhill and fail. start dressing again... etc. I've been married to my current wife since 2008, together since 2005. I just couldn't take it anymore. Trying to be something I wasn't was simply eating me up in side with guilt, shame, stress and anxiety. I knew I couldn't continue on this path.

 

While I have been home recovering the past week with the flu, it gave me time to read and discover and come to terms that I crossdress to feel the feminine part of my personality and unless I do, I live in conflict. And I needed to share it with my wife or I was going to explode.

 

My hope was just understanding, love and support. My wife is an exceptional woman. She has been supportive of me as I struggled with issues related to my conflict as it showed up in addictive behaviors. Having friends who are gay has given her the ability to accept people for who they are and not the social stigmas society puts on them... I had hope!

 

We sat down to gether and I simply stated that I had something to discuss with her about myself. She grew a little nervous but sat and listened. How I described myself was simply this way.

We are born male or female, very black and white.

We are born straight or gay, very black and white.

You can't change those aspects of yourself.

We are born masculine or feminine...   not so black and white. In fact, it's more a sliding scale.

I drew a line across a piece of paper and marked the left end Masc, the right end Fem and in the middle with an A for Androgynous.

Most men are here at the left end and most women are here at the right end. However there is a percentage that don't fit in at the ends and they slide across this scale both left and right. Taking several tests and speaking with others and reading a lot the past to weeks..  finding the articles that describe me...  I fall in here...   about 60-70% masculine and 30-40% feminine. I have a feminine side to my personality that needs expression. I try hard to be here, at the left end, to be 100% masculine but I'm not and it's the conflict between these two things that are causing me strife, anxiety, depression and stress. Which then casuses me to act out in addictive behaviours in an effort to suppress those feelings.

 

I stopped and caught my breath and asked if she was with me so far. She was visably upset but still there.

 

I again repeated that I was just asking for love, understanding and support and she nodded.

 

You can see a little bit of it in me in just our daily lives. I cook, I help clean the dishes and fold the laundry. Traditionaly a woman's role but I do them gladly. It's the feminine side of me trying to come out. In order for me to be able to express my feminine side, I need to feel feminine. I circled the area on the paper from a quarter from the right all the way over to about three quarters to the left. I said this is the hard part and I took a deep breath. For men this is the land of the....  crossdressers. We have to feel feminine to help bring out the feminine qualities within us. Love, compassion, gentleness. All the good things that were part of my personality when we first met. 

 

I have been crossdressing on and off since I was a teenager. I drew a sine wave on the back of the paper. This has been my life for the past 40 years. At the bottom I would start crossdressing and feel better about myself, be able to express myself on both the masculine and feminine sides. It made me a wonderful, confident person. I would meet a loveley woman, fall in love etc. and I would purge all my clothes. Over time I would slowly sink back to trying to be the masculine man she, and I, expected and then become depressed, and anxious, etc. The relationship would fall apart and I would be alone and start to dress again... and thus the cycle continued.

 

Still with me? She took a deep breath and said yeah.

I said.. I can't continue to live this way. I'm stressed, anxious, depressed and going nowhere and it has to end now. I'm doing my own intervention. I'm a crossdresser. I do it to feel the feminine part of my personality. It's who I am and I need to do it to find my happy place. Where I am at peace with myself and the world.

 

We talked on a bit more...  she had a few questions.. about how much I need to dress. Do I intend to go out in public? I answered her as honestly as I could. This is a feeling out process to find where my happy place is. I intend to keep it private within our own home. Except maybe on Halloween as I tried to lighten the mood, unsuccessfully. I'm going do it in small steps, underwear under my man clothes to start and move on from there.

She commented yes, we have dear friends who are gay and she likes shows with drag queens, Priscilla is it? But the hard part she said is, it's her husband who is the crossdresser and thats completely different.

 

I talked about some books for her to read.. particularly My Husband Wears My Dress, and got it on her Kindle. I don't think she has picked it up yet. I feel she fears the unknown at the moment. We did hug and said I love you's. She's still with me but she has a lot to work out and I'm just going to be patient and answer her questions.

 

After she went off to work this afternoon, I took the time and ordered some under garments and breast forms for myself. It's been so long I have to figure out all over again what fits me. I intend to slowly introduce my clothing to her. Starting with just wearing panties. Then adding a bra. Then adding the breast forms under the bra. When she is comfortable with that I will add some sleepwear to the mix and shave my legs and pits. I don't know exactly why but next to having breasts and wearing a bra, shaving my leg and feeling the smoothness is one of the most feminine things I use to enjoy.

 

So, that's my story of coming out to my wife. I don't know if and when I will ever tell family or friends but that's a bridge I will cross when I get to it. Thank you for reading!

Annette, it feels inappropriate to 'like' something that obviously records very deep anguish and personal conflict. Thank you for careful recording and then sharing this with the community, e are very grateful. I hope you and your wife can find a pace at which you can to travel forward together. I would urge you or to rush, but as a snail, I mock myself for encouraging such tawdriness. Progress with care, consideration and courage, but progress!
Rachel x

Rachel,

  Thank you for responding. You may "like" it freely as it is not only an important day in my journey but it may help others explain to their SO's who they are. It was a difficult thing to do but I feel much better inside now that I have done it. I crossed the bridge and arrived on the other side intact. My wife still loves me. She is trying to understand. Support will take a while... acceptance will have to come before support I think.

  Annette

When I came out to my wife her main concern was did I still love and want her. It will never be easy for a parnter to hear about cross-dressing for the first time. It takes a lot of reassureance and time. It is not tell once then all is Ok you must keep the conversation and reassurance going. Always be honest.  

 

I would suggest asking your parnter for help in picking out clothing for you. If they feel invoved and helpful and see how happy you become with new things they can share your joy.  Act a little unsure and akward, they are the fashion expect and are showing you how to be a lady.  

 

My wife, bless her sometimes brings me a little present after a shopping trip.  When we go shopping together I often get the "is this for you or me" look.  Good Luck. 

Cngrats of not only coming out to your wife but also her understanding and support of who you are and I hope the future will be bright for you and Happy Christmas and a very Merry New Year.

Thank you both for your thoughts. The good thing is we are conversing. Not everyday but about every other day or so as she tries to come to an understanding. She asks that I be honest and truthful about where I want/need to go. When she plucks up the courage she can ask the hard questions. I've learned just to be patient and let it come out and then answer truthfully. When we converse this way, we both get a better understanding and we both feel better afterwards.

Her biggest fears are..  do I want to live full time, in public as well as private, as a woman? Will I eventully want to have a sex change?  Will she come home to see something shocking? My answers were no, no, and no. I am still more masculine than I am feminine. I like cars, sports and home projects. Just there is a feminine side that needs attention and a some freedom to express itself, hence the womens clothing. I'm noot ging to destroy our budget going crazy buying clothing. Just a little at a time, and keep it covert...  wearing bras and panties under my clothes and some outward clothing towards the androgynous side.

I told her about my day yesterday while she was at work. I went to a local dept store for a new pair of pants. I've been losing quite a bit of weight recently.. in a healthy way. I picked out a couple of pairs to try on but, before I went to the fitting room, I walked thru the womens side of the store and looked for something I may be able to wear without being overtly feminine. A pair of women's Levi 529, curvy straight leg jeans. To the mens fitting room...  nothing fit right. Damn! So, I circled around and did it again... same womens jeans in a size smaller. Now I'm coming to appreciate more why women take so much time picking out clothes! Tried them all on. I liked one of the mens pair and the womens pair fit me nicely.. amazingly.

So my day goes on as I anxiously await a package in the mail with several bras to try..  panties are easy to size...  bras are a whole other world.

Hi Annette-

Be reasssured and relieved. Although your present situation is complicated, difficult and stressful, it is one that is completely normal for many of us here. You will love who you are as a female, then you will feel guilty and purge your fancy dresses, only to buy others again and then feel wonderful as a female. I cannot and should not advise you as to how best to manage the situation with your wife and your evolution as a female. I will summarize my own case. I recognized my joy in being female 40 years ago and stayed in the closet until five years ago. My wife discovered me almost 20 years ago. She is an exceptionally intelligent and cultivated person who was educated in Catholic schools and environment, and she could never shed this bondage. We have always had an illuminating, joyful and rich life together. So what does one do when one wants to be a full time female?  One thinks a lot, and realizes that given all of the data and emotions, that compromise is the only solution. She does not accept me as a female, but she understands my present being. I wish that she would go shopping with me female to female. That is not going to happen. I understand. It is not perfect or near perfect, but we still have a wonderful life together. I go out in public to malls and entertainment centers in Boston and go dancing and feel just over the top wonderful. 

 

As you progress, and you will, you will need to make some thoughtful decisions.  You will want to go out more, and even think about sexual relations and differing degrees of transitioning.  My best advice is to be true to yourself, go slowly and be loving and caring about everyone involved. Remember that the solution to all problems is reasonded conversation between thoughtful people.

 

With my best thoughts and mind hugs.

 

Jacqueline