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Perceived rolls from the past and the anxiety they create

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  • I posted a quick homepage post concerning an issue regarding a situation I went through during this holiday season. This post I'll just briefly touch on with my own situation and rather bring up the major point I was looking into which is the difficulties of perception and change of role that we play amongst our family structure.


    As for what happened to me. I had arranged a weekend to be spent with my father and his new wife and her son/my stepbrother. I'd talked about them staying 4 or 5 days and hopefully tying up some loose ends in property dealings with my father. I was thinking just us four together for a few days and hopefully some outings together. They have interacted with me the most of extended family since I started my transition and I feel fairly comfortable around them. Upon them arriving that evening we made our greetings and started talking pleasantries. He informed me he had talked to his brother and was going there (60 miles away)the next morning and they wanted me to go and also that they would be leaving the next day following this one in the morning. This left me with only this day to spend time with them. My fathers/uncles side of the family I've had certain serious issues with due to a property dispute and my role within it where I was taken advantage of and lied to by them concerning payment for work I had done.. Since my mother died I had seen some of this group only once in 15 years. I felt on the spot and a bit hurt that my personal arrangements with them were not happening as planned. I said oh ok. um that could be ok I guess. I panicked an hour later when I realized I didn't want to go. Most of them had not seen me since transition. I told him no.. got super depressed. He was fine with it but I could tell they were let down. I should have gone probably but am having a hard time with anxiety recently. A few others of this group I have seen a fair amount but being around them is hard for me to be who I feel I've become now and find myself being drawn into old roles around them. They definitely like to talk of the past and I just feel stuck in it with them. It is hard to explain. This happens with old friends to. They call me dude or bro and want me to interact in a masculine way with them. People do this even when they know I'm trans. It is hard to combat when I'm constantly full of anxiety. I also feel funny telling a person how they should treat me. You actually can't even do that can you? Isn't it rude? All that ugly pressure to conform to behavior and roles society expects rears its ugly head in these situations too. It stresses me out. I want to get past it but don't want to strongarm people around me either. Sometimes I understand why so many girls move away and just start over. It's really hard. Especially for us later transtitioners. Anyone else feel  this or can add to it? How did you overcome it if you have?


    ps sorry I spelled Roles Roll.. i don't know what I was thinking. Maybe it was that breakfast roll I was eating .. rolls on floor crying.. I can't edit the title for some reason either.. oh well. Roles  R O L E S Roles ..

    Jessica Nova
    This post was edited by Jessica Nova at January 7, 2015 9:10 PM GMT
      January 7, 2015 5:11 PM GMT
  • Hi Jessi Happy New year.. I know what you mean a similar if different thing happened over Christmas with me Iwent to see my uncle, who is a lovely man when he greeted me he mis gendered me and called me be my old name which hurt. I turned it around later when we were having a cup of tea together when I told him about some of my experiances where I work and I explained that sometimes I'm miss gendered by the older clients I work with and that hurts me. I could see it struck a cord he said oh right yes I see and from then on it was Rose he even asked my advice on a cooking problem he had.. :). I do understand that it hurts and in your case the other issues might make things more difficult but love dont hide your self away your far to pretty and nice to do that hugs love and hope in some way my sharing my experience helped xxxxx

      January 7, 2015 6:02 PM GMT
  •'s tough, but stay strong in your resolve and do not compromise your felings or person, even if it means a disconnect wit the the others.  You are who you are regardless of how they perceive you and they will either adjust and accept, igonore and continue to be dumb, or get angry/upset and make thing hard for you.  But for you to be something you are not will not allow you continued growth and mental balance and keep you "antsy" always!  No need to "flaunt" your gender issues, but rather just be you, which is probably the same person you were when you presented male!  How you dress ought not matter...if you're a good person, it won't matter if you're wearing a dress or boy jeans!  It is a longgggg, slow process for others to transition with you.  You have had this inside of you all of your life but they are getting "shocked" in dealing with everything because it has been a recent change....most people are ignorant or misinformed at best about gender dysphoria and the best way we can educate others is to lead a good, productive life and be there in time of needs ofr others!

    You're fine girl....

    Best wishes always!

    Traci xoxo

      January 7, 2015 7:34 PM GMT
  • Thank you Rose. Happy new years to you too. I'm so glad to see you are well and progressing on your journy. You look great too girl! Your response did help too. Thank you.


    I actually have been thinking a lot about this topic since they all left and I could get back into my own routine. It was definitely more than just the gender issue alone but I know the trans aspect was what kept me from going in the end. Hopefully I will work these situations out with people who know me. It takes time though and can be really awkward on occasion. I just wanted to also share this as perhaps other girls deal with this too.


    It sounds very tactful how you handled your friend. I think you did exactly what was right. I just sometimes have

    general social anxiety where I feel unstable often emotionally with others. I'm afraid bringing it up will put me on edge or create some situation I won't be able to tackle socially with them so I often let these things slide by. I'm still working on myself honestly. Inside I'm not always at ease and the anxiety can control me. I don't want to be like that though. I'm sure I can work through it . I have been slowly these last few years. I'm sure this has to be a common issue many of us have or are facing.




    Jessica Nova
      January 7, 2015 7:37 PM GMT
  • Thank you Traci. Words of truth. It does take a long time and we can not live out lives for others. I heard it but never believed it lol. At least now I get some consolation that this part of my transition may be coming to an end in my journy. It's one of those stages in progression we all face I suppose. I'm glad I started when I did just because some of the really unpleasant stuff early on is slowly getting behind me. I think I'm in my second puberty/teens due to my HRT. I was hard back in the first one and its hard now heheh. Hopefully clear more stable sailing lies ahead. Happy new years too Traci. You're looking marvelous. Love your hair and those tan lines too!! meow ^_^

    Jessica Nova
      January 7, 2015 7:51 PM GMT
  • *giggles*

    Thnx Jessica...

    Yes, it is a second puberty!  I am 64, look maybe 50, and act 16!!!

    Hang in there will get to where you're going when you "get there"!  No rush, just live as you...that is PERFECT!

    Traci xoxo

      January 7, 2015 8:03 PM GMT
  • Hi Jessica.

    I think if any of us said it was easy it would be an outright lie. Does it get better? . For some if not most yes it does. I feel sorry for my family , they slammed the door in my face not long after I told them about me. That was about 9 years ago now and I have not spoken to them since. They pushed me very close to ending my life but I chose not to and just give this a go. I moved away from them because I could not stop loving them and seeing them turn away from me was messing with my feelings. I had no wish to stop loving them and still do love them deep down , unlike them I do not know how to hate.


    So I done this alone , very alone. I very soon learnt how to hurt any person who disrespected my gender identity. When I first came out there were a few idiots who tried. A man who served me in a store gave me my change and said "Thank you sir" I replied thats okay "Miss" He said what did you call me? I said miss then he asked why? I said well you called me sir so now you know how it feels , he apologised.

    There are about 8 of these I think in my transition , some are so funny but I beat them everytime. It does not happen anymore.

    It is natural for you to feel the way you do.  All you need to do is tell yourself you can do this. Actually convince yourself you can do it because you can. No person can tell you how to do it because it is your journey but you can get a few ideas from others. If you want a good laugh I could tell you a few more of my responses to idiots and the outcome's Smile


    My friends are now my family and it is a very big happy one. I enjoy my life and live it to the best I can. I came from the wreck I was back then to the very happy woman I am now (I just look a wreck nowSmile) .


    I wish you all the best for a very happy future being just who you are.


    Take care , Julia xxx

      January 7, 2015 9:08 PM GMT