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Life is not worth living I want to die.

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  • Why do I feel this way?. I cannot find a reason to carry on. I have no fear of death so why am I prolonging it?. Here I am trying to find a reason to carry on and all I can see ahead is more pain. My childhood was horrific and I mean horrific. Now adulthood has become just the same. I can end it all very easy and I think the time has come to put an end to all of this pain. I have drafted an Email and by the time I have sent it and it is read by anyone I will be dead so there will be no chance of anyone trying to stop me.


    That above was 10 years ago and very real so why am I still alive?.


    Well I had to make a choice and it was live my life as myself or end it all. I went to see my doctor and told her why I was feeling the way I was. She thought she was treating me for depression after the death of my partner but I had accepted that so I told her the truth "I am not a man". She had never had a Transexual patient before me and was amazing. I told her I cannot live this lie anymore. She asked me to give her a few days and I did. She set the wheels in motion . I told my family and few friends and at the time they seemed okay about it but it was not long before they all disowned me. So I was very alone but , I had one thing going for me and that was another chance. It was a chance to start afresh and a chance to be myself

     

    I am not going to pretend it was easy but I came from wanting to die to wanting to live. For the first time since my partners death I had a reason to be here. That reason was to prove to myself and to everyone else I can do this and I cannot settle for anything less. The day my transition started I watched what few remaining items relating to me pretending to be a male go in the truck to go to landfill. My change was overnight and there was no turning back and why would I want to go back and live that lie?.


    I faced hate and rejection just as others do. I faced threats on my life and just plain ignorance. I found the strength inside of me to stand in court and say "You do not do this to me" You will be punished it is a crime and I have every right to be myself.


    So 10 years on from that edge of death I am alive and very happy with my life. I am a business woman with my own business a dream I had always wanted to fullfill.

    I have had to fight in some ways to gain acceptance but I done it. We all face our own battles and this is just a tiny part of my own and some ignorant people call it a life style choice.


    My thread previous to this one was ruined by an ignarant journalist who has no idea or even researched what transition is. She came here and placed her link and then pissed off. Well she pissed me off so I deleted the original post. I cannot remove her link but I can put a link to this in my now non thread. She will never return here she has placed her link and done with GS and her reason for joining.


    If there is ever another one you can stick your link where the sun never shines and not here. I have no problem with links that actually make sense and help others being placed here or anywhere on this website but I do have a problem with ignorance and nonsense.


    Take care x.

      March 13, 2015 8:26 PM GMT
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  • Thanks Julia for sharing this deep and personal life message about you. I, like many here, can come to this, read & reflect, find strength, courage, and possible solutions to situations each of them face. Always and ever glad you are here. hugs, Briana 
      March 13, 2015 10:00 PM GMT
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  • Awwwwww...Julia!!!  Gawd girl, you did do it!  You did what you had to do...you did not give up!  I know it can be real difficult to face what appears to be impossible odds but we, like yourself, MUST find the strength to find that ray of light and cling to it in the darkest moments.  Things are never as bad as they appear, nor are they as ever rosey as they sometimes do appear...I am speaking for everybody in that we are glad you decided on moving forward instead of taking the easy way out...the world is a better place for that!

    Much love,

    Traci xoxo

    <p>Traci</p>
      March 14, 2015 12:22 AM GMT
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  • Thank you Traci and Briana.

    Sharing tiny parts of our lives can only be a good thing to help the current young generation and the ones to follow.

    We can all take that chance that I did and others do rather than waste a life. There is far to much suicide where transgenders are concerned and I can see why some choose to take that route because I was very close to it. Our lives can help others and we must never forget that.

     

    Again Thank you both .

     

    Take care xxx

      March 15, 2015 7:28 AM GMT
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  • Julia, life is so bad sometimes you can just want to finish it all, a lot of people have felt that way at some point in their lives. I can't say I am one of them because I'm not. I have seen a lot of evil in the world from my time in the military and it makes one's own problems shrink into insignificance. Someone, somewhere is always worse off. I'm not going into details here as it is not appropriate and is not something I want to share anyway. You can't improve your life by ending it, but you can by beating the odds and coming out the other side. Most things in life worth doing are difficult to achieve but instead of quitting, you dig deep and carry on, however hopeless it can seem at the time. 

     

    You got through your situation and are in a better place now than you were ten years ago. You have also made a difference to other people and perhaps made their journey a little easier by reading about your experiences. 

    Every woman is beautiful, some show it with their faces, others show it with their hearts.
      March 16, 2015 5:42 PM GMT
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