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I'm only writing this, really, to make me feel a little better. I know I'm early on in things, but it bothers me when my Bestie tries to force on the breaks. She might need to take it slow, but I think I'm moving at a good speed. I'm not out on hormones without seeing a doctor and solely operating on my own diagnosis! I just want to get out and be femmenine me. Are there dangers? Absolutely, but I can't keep Tara cooped up inside my room all the time. I need to go out and be Tara more publically. Is it so bad that I want to go out? That I want to date someone being Tara... being myself?
Ugh! This is all just brought on because my Bestie kinda gave me her "slow down" look and hit me over the head with "see a therapist." I know I need to see one! I'm not exactly in the best position to do so just now unless there's a free one at school (which she assures me there should be) and I don't see any reason not to go out en femme except for the same reasons any transgirl might face (the whole unaccepting society bit). I know what I need to do and I don't need to be beaten with it.
I have a long road of looking at a stubble faced man in the morning. I have to deal with being called "son" and feeling sick over it. I have to abide by the restrictions of being male, despite the fact that I am a woman. I don't need my Bestie pumping the breaks when I'm probably going far beneath the speed limit. I've dressed in my room for about a year. I'm tired of limiting myself to the area between my bed and my bathroom. I need to go out shopping, go out to eat with women I'm interested in, see movies, or just plain old socialize as myself rather than this facade forced upon me.
It tore me up inside. I know she means well, but it still hurts. I mean it almost feels like she told me I wasn't a woman. But I know I am. Can't she be encouraging and maybe suggest some ideas about going out together while I'm en femme? It's not like it has to happen right away, but when everything everyday glares at me and says "You are a man!" I need to feel encouraged rather than beaten with details I already know or someone trying to pump the breaks on a car going nowhere fast.
*deep breath*
Had to rant... makes me feel a little better....
