My Letter to my Father

• Posted by Maci Branch May 10, 2012 #  4,516 views
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  Hi dad, I feel our face to face conversations are rather ineffective, I get so nervous that I clam up and can't say anything and you get so nervous you say way too much so I thought this might be a better means of communication as we can both say what we like uninterrupted. To begin with I want to say that I love you very much, you are my hero, and my role model, and these problems I am having have nothing whatsoever to do with the way you raised me, you are a fantastic father and you always have been. The next thing I want to say is that while I will not apologize for being the way I am, I do apologize for the set of circumstances that this has created, I know how difficult all of this has been for you, mom, and lizzie and it tears me apart. In fact one of the reasons I have been so depressed is because I can see the hell I'm putting you all through with this and it is eating me alive from the inside out, I hate seeing everything I loved and knew fall apart like this, and the heartache of it all has turned me into a recluse and for that I apologize. Thirdly I want to say that I have identified as female for a long time, I tried to chase it away, I tried to smother it, and I tried to bury it but all of that left me with a complete and total empty feeling inside of me, it was strangling me and it was only a matter of time before I ran out of air, in fact its gotten so bad that I wince every time someone says "hey man" or I catch a glimpse of my self in a polo and jeans in the mirror, it physically hurts to be the way I am right now and I can not endure it much longer, transitioning for me is not a choice or a decision to be made but a necessary medical treatment I need for something that is physically and mentally wrong with me, in fact the only time I feel truly, and genuinely happy anymore is when I can present myself to the world as Masi simply because its the only time anyone can see the real me. Now I know you think your losing me and that the son you've always known is dying right before your eyes but everything you know and love about me is still there, in fact I would argue that my faults that impair my functioning are linked to my brain being a girls and my body being a boys, and that all the parts you like about me may well be dramatically enhanced once I do this. Finally I would like to reiterate that no one has coerced me into feeling this way, and that I am the one in complete control over this, I am not so easily swayed into thinking this way just because I talked to someone who went through a similar situation, my thoughts and opinions are only accountable to one person and that is me. It kills me that I can't be the son that you can be proud of, it is worst kind of depression knowing that you let everyone you know and love down, which is why I'm begging you to be accepting and supportive of this so that I can be the child that you can be proud of and so that I can live up to my full potential and become the happy, healthy, and successful human being I know I can be without everything else chaining me down, I love you very much, and I know it will take time but please know that I need someone to be there for me to help me through all of this and to accept me for who I am.