*blank*gender

• Posted by Samantha Erica January 11, 2014 Filed in Society Girl's Personal Blogs #transgender  #agender  #pansexual  #pangender  935 views
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  I’ll come right out and say it, I am not anyone’s vision of the ideal anything.

  Giving a lot of thought to the idea that somehow or other, like dimensions there may be a lot more that you suspect or think. For me I see this as true. I am a blend of a lot of different things, as I see it, and it makes not enough of one thing or another to actually feel comfortable as anything specific.

   

  Some people are very, well the best word to describe it is militant, about the idea of the stark contrasts of gender. You must be black or white and nothing in between. If you are anything but you are pushed away or told you’re too confused to understand.

  There are elements of me that I can sense are female, my sensitivity, emotional ups and down, caring and concern for my friends and others around me, it’s part of the inner female. Some parts are male, like the desire to be a strong source of confidence and support and of course the… well, you know.

   

  And it comes down to a few basics: I have a very sensual imagination and I find a lot of joy and release in writing and creating fantasies regarding sensual encounters. It’s something I did way back into the dark ages of life. I couldn’t actually get anywhere because I was painfully shy, awkward and not well versed in being outgoing and confident. I could easily say that there are aspects of both sides in me that I like but of course others that make it obvious I don’t fit in one way or another.

   

  Another term is “agender”, basically those without gender. Now I think to myself that sounds like it might be me all but for the idea that emotionally and physically agender means that should a relationship ever happen or I was with that special someone would I just kiss them on the cheek and roll over and say goodnight? I don’t know that much about it, but it seems like physical relationships might get strained and for me, it would be a strain if I was close to someone that I cared about and yet having to lock away my racing mind and pounding pulse to just ignore myself, and them, and become a hermit. The life I have now makes me think that is already the case so maybe it’s better off this way.

   

  I wonder about a term I may have made up (if Webster’s takes it on, I’ll get royalties)… pangender. By pangender, I mean someone who has both male and female characteristics, but aren’t a pure blend, more like oil and water. They can mix and match but then they pull apart again no matter. That seems to make a logical sense to me. I have friends who are clearly not like me, when they are female they are outgoing, vibrant and in their element. Otherwise they are reserved and quiet. If you sense you fit in and feel at home there what do you do when someone else does not? It’s a hard question to answer. Some would liken it to being biesexual and say that you are just confused (a common photo I see circulated these days). I will admit that I am not blessed with clear cut knowledge of this and I am confused, but these seems to be the  area I fit best into. I am not a static gender.

  The other day I posted about ID and the journey from one place to another and the confusion outside viewers have when the person might not fit the picture in the identification. This is a natural follow up, except that it’s all internal. Only I can see it, no matter what I tell you, you won’t know it unless you experience it or are close to someone who has/is. For me, a while back I came across the term gender queer and thought “maybe that’s me.” It does have some parts that fit, but it’s an incomplete feeling. This is hard stuff to figure out because the people referred to are often unwilling to come out and describe what they feel. Support groups sort of lack that empathy too. It’s one thing to embrace us all and work to find an answer but feeling like you are the outsider at a garden party, as welcome as an ant in your potato salad, doesn’t lend one the feeling of a security blanket at such things.

   

  Now I know that not every group can house every interest but sometimes it feels like I am an airplane enthusiast at a meeting of die-hard yacht owners. “Oh, you want to sprout wings and fly, do you? Too bad, this is NOT the place for you!” No, really it’s not like that but inside when you look at all those faces out there, dressed up and happy and feeling affirmed and you look and feel shallow and hollow inside, that is the kind of life I lead. And others do as well, I am sure. One thing I have learned over the years is we are not alone.

  Still can you understand my unease? I thought “OK, the answer is easy. Be female, act female and everything will fall into place” – but it doesn’t. Yes I enjoy the feminine and the soft luxury of that feeling, but I also have these dark forebodings that lurk at the back of my mind that cause me to become aggravated (and aggravating too, no doubt) with myself. Why can’t I just be clear-cut and move on with life? Why all this confusion?? Why can’t it just be as simple as others tell me it is for them?

   

  I guess the truth is that in being honest with myself, the bandages came off a mark that won’t really “heal” properly. The idea of conformity is to, in fact, conform and enjoy the benefits from it. To feel like when someone tells you “I just feel so…so…complete when I dress as a <_____>” and you are uneasy because you know that sometimes you do and sometimes you don’t. I had a hard time pulling myself away not long ago and slipping into the feminine role and taking pictures. I felt OK when I did, I felt attractive. But I also wonder why sometimes I just want to pitch all that stuff and make it go away. It won’t and I won’t, but someone succinctly said to me “I hate this about myself and I wish I could make it just go away.” Indeed.

   

  Let’s be truthful though, I do NOT hate Samantha. She is part of me. I tried to ‘kill’ her so many times that I now know that she is there, deep down inside of me. I can’t think of a more understanding female in the universe than her, since all she has been through. But she is not complete without me, it seems, like I am not complete without her. I just wish we could be whole but I wonder if we ever will be.

   

  So I remain in the realm of the pangender person, if such a term exists and I can apply it. Well, heck, I will apply it for the moment anyway, until I can come up with a better definition for myself. I’ve been searching for it for a long time and no answers yet.

  So please don’t hold your breath.