At a river's side, watching the moon

• Posted by Samantha Erica August 26, 2014 Filed in Society Girl's Personal Blogs #gender fluidity  1,057 views
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  I have been dealing with a few health issues of late which has made me pause and retract some of my time spent enjoying being dressed, it has been full of ups and downs. I am hoping that going forward will have more ups again. It's been hard.

   

  I was thinking long and hard about myself, thinking that I was dealing with someone who could never quie be happy and never quite fit in. I was sure that I was the outsider, looking in and hoping someone would open the door and let me in. I felt like a river; meandering through life seemingly guided by the course someone else was choosing. I felt like I was able to reach beyond the shores sometimes, and others I felt like I was trapped in a shallow trickle that might dry up completely and never reach the sea.

   

  Over time I had experienced wonderful, accepting people whom I value for their friendship and sincerity. Those are the people that "don't care what you look like" and just care about you.

   

  Others I have had the misfortune of encountering have had the harsh, brutal assessment that "if you don't pass, you're a he." (Or a she for FTM's). Other people would call them out on it, but they were unrelenting sorts of people. It was holding everyone else hostage to their opinion.

   

  What happened was that I began to obsess with either passing or not dressing at all. I quaked in my heels thinking "there's no way that I pass, and I know it. Who am I fooling?" It's like a version of peer-pressure. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. What a quandary!

   

  Somewhere along the line, I got more upset and sort of shut myself down. I wasn't ready to "be me," in fact, I didn't know "me" anymore. So, during the times of not feeling one hundred percent I started to open my mind up to other possibilities to find inner peace with my conflicts. And behold, I have started to follow that river.

   

  I used to love just dressing and not worrying about gender specifically, although, of course I dreamt of being a girl. But I found that I had happiness and enjoyment from simple things, not necessarily having to be totally and radically unique. But that phase went away as I got drawn into the idea that I had to pass and that I was a bad, evil person if I did not. I wanted to pass but other things held me up. So I lamented that I was never going to and withdrew into myself to curl up and forget it all. But, like so many things in life, it was not going to go away.

   

  I came across the term 'gender fluidity' and I was immediately intrigued. Was it possible to share? To make one unique person who could live in both realms? Was it even an option? Maybe, just maybe it was.

   

  I definitely see the aspects of myself that are fluid and changeable. I suspect we all have those. It's like the weather, or the phases of the moon; sometimes one if full and clear, the other times it's darker and not so clear. Still, it gave me hope and a feeling that maybe somewhere there was a place and time for Samantha to "fit in."

   

  Another aspect I started to learn about was pansexuality. I had never "opened the door" of the idea of dating anyone specific, but certainly aspects of their gender excluded me. As time went along, I found more and more that I was dreaming of men. I was kissing them, making out. Sometimes they were merely naked. I would awake with a heightened sense of arousal and it didn't go away. I wasn't ashamed of it anymore. I wanted to be with a man.

   

  Then sometimes I was with someone transgender and we explored our feelings in myriad ways. Again, I woke aroused and unashamed. The dreams got more frequent and were particularly vivid sometimes. I was happy to have them and it may have been my way of telling myself "it's OK to be who you are, it's OK to be unique." So you should also say to yourself - you are a gift and your uniqueness is a special gift!

   

  This is a gift I am slowly enjoying opening and seeing what more is inside!!