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Well here it is, another year over a new one just begun. (John Lennon). 2014 was quite an outstanding year. It's the first year since 1964 that I spent the entire year sober.That is something I am quite proud of. The unexpected bonus from sobriety was the weight loss. When you consider how much I was drinking, it seems logical. I was averaging 12 bottles of beer a day at 96 calories each, that's 1152 calories I cut out from my diet. I don't know my exact weight when I stopped drinking. I estimate it was around 265 pounds. I'm now a much more comfortable 170 pounds. I know I feel a lot better now than I have in a long time. The last time I weighed 170, I was 21 and just got out of the Army. Seems hard to believe, but that was 44 years ago yesterday. At this time 44 years ago I was on a flight from San Francisco to New York City.
It would have been nice if I'd had the courage to transition then. But that was 1971. Everything from being homosexual to being transgendered to being a cross dresser was all lumped under one label, "Queer." I was still in denial, then. I kept telling myself, "I'm a man. I need to act like a man. do like a man, be a man." I figured I was a combat veteran. I was 21, in great physical condition, I felt bullet-proof. Heck, the VC and NVA couldn't kill me, etc, etc.The problem was that every time I'd try to act the hero, I'd wind up getting my butt kicked, so I stopped trying to be a hero.
One thing I learned early in life was that I had this ability to diffuse tense situations with humor. The first example of this was once when my dad was going to give me a spanking, I made him laugh so hard that he couldn't spank me. I learned later that not all tense situations can be solved with humor, but I'd always try.
Well the best cliche that describes my current situation is "It is what it is." I've given up trying to put a label on me. I'm not just a crossdresser, but I'm not sure if I want to totally transition. So I'm stuck somewhere in the middle. The funny part of it is that when I'm presenting myself, I feel like I am a middle aged heterosexual woman. I believe I look the part as well. When I am presenting myself as male, I'm like this happy-go-lucky fellow. I'm like the bartender in Billy Joel's "Piano Man." I'm quick with a joke or to light up your smoke, but there's some place I'd rather be.
Oh well, it is what it is.
I made only one New Year's Resolution this year.
