A Trans-woman's Pre-christmas Festive thoughts

• Posted by Hannah Ceridwen Eluned Cavendish-Grosvenor December 23, 2015 1,017 views
  click to rate

  What was assumed, over many years, to be a light joke between the core of the 'Lord Eldon Golfing Club' (men only) and our band of working Farmers and wives exploded last night. We were sat at 'their' favourite table and only 2 tall stools were left for three of these 70 plus' so-called gentlemen', when they arrived later. As soon as one of our group got up to buy more drinks, Charles 'stole' the stool: we thought it a further joke; but the situation exploded, like Mt Etna activating, and their 30 years of resentment boiled over with threats of violence. I would have taken Charles' comment "you're acting just like an old woman" as a compliment in any other circumstance.

   

  i am very conscious that, despite the hormones and facial hair removal, I look like an average mid-transition woman. My voice is no longer male (usually the big give-away); but, I have, as yet, not had facial feminisation. I wish to lead a quiet, sheltered and inconspicuous life in my close community and retreat into inconspicuousness. I am greatly aware of the conflict in my appearance and always now feel self-conscious, with a recently activated low level of self-esteem.

   

  This Christmas has seen two groups of non-Welsh-speaking male 'traveller' scum, from the Caerdydd southern edge of the Welsh Continent, off-loading Xmas trees and then getting drunk in the Eldon. Their unwelcome sniggers,smirks , rude (modified) pop-songs and their laughs were, as usual combined with deliberate misgendering. It is the loveliest of locals until we are discovered by this type of cruel pig-ignorant, half-witted and vindictive (predominately males) strangers, who seem to think (if they are capable) that they have a god-given right to hold our mental health in their filthy and unwashed 'Hate-crime' hands.

   

  This is, as usual in a season of "good-will to all men and women except the Trans community" where we are never allowed to forget our status as the final, residual punch-bag of our Society: no time off, no escape, no respite, no hiding and (what they are not capable of understanding) no choice in our perceived identity. Jim, the lovely barman, still calls me 'Sir', despite long-term protestations, explanations, and his recent exposure to Trans celebrities and children in the media.

   

  How we manage to avoid Depression and survive is a mystery to me; but, thankfully we do. i gain great strength and comfort from our Trans groups; but, they don't meet near Christmas, which is perhaps the most likely time of the year to need them.However, the goal of becoming ourselves , gaining inner peace and happiness is well worth the struggle.