What can I do

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    I am a 43 year old male, that is married with 3 beautiful boys. However, I am depressed. My wife is abusive. I also have kidney problems. I have also always questioned my sexuality. Since I was 7???, I liked playing with makeup and dresses. I want more. I am done with myself. But I cannot come out as I will never will see my kids again(yes my wife is that revengeful). I desperately want hrt. What can I do? Thx for your help