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I was walking down the sidewalk outside of a music store when the thought suddenly hit me.
"I should be a guy."
Born a female, I was never a "typical" girl. At two years old, I had bristly stitches in my upper lip and proudly declared that I had "whiskers like Daddy." At five yeras old, I was Mickey Mouse for Halloween and played Han Solo in Make-believe Land. At seven years old, I told my parents that I'd get married in tux and wanted swim trunks instead of "girl" bathing suits. Until puberty, I told my parents: "I want to be a boy."
The thoughts went away by the age of eleven, which is when my mental conditions arrived. I never felt like I was right, that something was wrong with me, and my self-loathing led to some unpleasantries. The only time that I felt happy and comfortable was in the theatre. I worked in the theatre for five years...always playing male roles. The theatre saved my life.
At seventeen, I was eight hours away from my family and anyone who knew me. I changed my name from "Brooke" to "Shelly" to start my life over, become who I really was. Just get comfortable with myself. I began to dress more masculine and fell in love with a girl. So, I came out as a lesbian. It made sense to me. Why I never felt comfortable as "Brooke."
Two months ago, I watched a film called "Tomboy." (Great film, by the way) It's about a ten year old girl who poses as a boy. I grew uncomfortable during the film, seeing literally some of my very behaviors in this girl. It made me think. Too much. I panicked, questioning my gender for the first time since I was a child. I wrote it off as an isolated incident. Until the sidewalk.
Part of me believes that I am gender fluid or merely a VERY butch lesbian. Yet, I think of myself as a man and it feels like I've always been that way. I've dressed in drag (such as in my picture) and it feels right. I've imagined myself as a man for ages, but I'm resisting. I fought so hard to admit that I was gay, after all. So, after running from being "straight" as a woman, I get uneasy at the idea of being a *straight* man. That word. "Straight." It carries such clout.
However, after all these months of questioning, I went to a baseball game last night. (It was a slaughter, seriously, the pitching was just awful and the outfield---I digress) As I sat on the third base line, a different thought suddenly hit me.
"Yep. I'm a man. No doubt."
Thus, though I'm dealing with some doubts, I can honestly say that I'm a man. I have named myself "Sander" and purposely gone to Starbucks just to say my name aloud and see it written on a cup. So, I'm easing into this and I am easing into myself.
Just as when we least expect life decisions, we can never expect when we find ourselves.
Dear sidewalk,
Thanks.
With love,
Sander
