Ending the Isolation

• Posted by Sander Mason August 29, 2015 #transgender  #coping  #friendship  #gender fluid  #isolation  993 views
  click to rate

  "Isolation" is a word that everyone knows. Everyone has experienced its definition. It's not just being alone or feeling lonely. It is about feeling cut-off and misplaced. Unable to reach out, or being slighted when we do. In a phrase, it is this: feeling like we don't belong. Anywhere.

   

  I thought that I would share my story of isolation...and my leap of faith to overcome it.

   

  My entire past is filled with instances of isolation. As a child, I never fit in with the other girls. The boys did not want to hang out with a girl. Caught in this grey area, I managed to make several "nerd" pals. They were all great guys and we got along well. Until they got older and realized that, oh dear, I was a girl.

   

  I left public school at the age of twelve due to severe medical problems. My parents enrolled me in a special private school. It was half homeschooling and half classroom time. The entire school had twenty students. Yes, you have read that correctly. Twenty students in the entire school. This was a one room school house located above a strip mall. I despised it. I was almost happy to lose touch with them and my elementary school friends.

   

  This is how any story goes. We meet people, become friends – not always by choice, and then life happens. We lose touch with others, even if they are important to us. Time and distance wreak havoc on relationships. This is especially true if the friendships were never strong. The connections that I made with people were superficial at best. I never knew how to get closer to people, unless I happened to be dating them.

   

  It's hard for me to make friends in real life, as I don't what to say or how to act. I feel uncomfortable in my skin and can't figure out how to convey who I am. Awkwardness, I presumed. Just an awkward person. But, the truth is that I was never all right with my identity. I felt like I was living a lie. Honestly, I always have felt that way. It never really made sense to me why.

   

  My past is riddled with hard times. I had to grow up very quickly, which makes it hard to be around people my own age from time to time. This is part of my inability to relate well to others, but a lot of my difficult times came from hating myself. Not believing that I was “right” in some shape or form. Being a lesbian made me see that I am different than many people. Cringing at someone calling me “ma’am” makes me realize it even more.

  FTM Gender Fluid. That’s not an identity that people meet everyday.

   

  In my real life, I have very few friends. I have only told one person about me, and I really cannot risk telling many others. As I’ve said in previous posts, I live with my family at the moment. Pretending to be all right, feeling this isolation, hiding who I am—it’s becoming unbearable. So, I’m turning to technology.

   

  I left social media a long time ago due to being cyberstalked, but this was long before I discovered myself. Now, I can rejoin the cyberlife to make connections and be who I truly am. I have a Skype now. A Twitter. YouTube, for my music uploads. I’m on this lovely site, EmptyClosets, and the Transgender Guide. (I’ll be starting a personal blog on that one at some point) And, I’m going to get a Facebook today or tomorrow.

   

  Putting myself out there is scary for me. I’m an introvert by nature, and part of me is paranoid that my family will find out somehow. But, I can’t do this anymore. The stress and depression of living with my family in a reserved suburb without being myself…it’s damaging. It really is. It’s time to take that leap of faith.

   

  So, thanks to everyone on here. Your stories give me hope that things will work out, that it will be okay, and that I can ride the wave until I’m ready to take the next steps.

   

  Here’s to hoping that “isolation” will be just a word in my vocabulary, not the definition of my world.