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I have to go back to December. In January my male-side twin completely revolted against the changes. Took over and would NOT even admit Wendy was real. Rationalized her out a dozen ways. Yet always admitted that we are TG. Cognitive dissonance. Emotion vs Logic. It was awful.
We went back to being depressed. In denial. For a long time Wendy couldn't get out without sneaking around Him. Eventually, there were fights. There was no sibling-love, it was a fight for survival.
"You know we aren't happy like this, you have to let me be part of you."
"Are you nutz? We can't go around being a woman. Have you any idea how badly this is going to f*ck up our life? You crazy bitch, stop this. Think of the stress. You have lived a lifetime without fear. I gave you that! I made you into the meanest son of a bitch in the valley. Nobody screwed with you....twice...most never once. You want to give that up. We step aside for no man."
"We've been miserable. We've been half a person. You aren't even real. I MADE you to make them leave us alone. You are a script I wrote."
"Because when you were you, you lived in fear, every day. Shy, frightened, abused. You pretended to be what you were not but you were pathetic. Nobody respected you, everyone made your life miserable. You needed me to make that stop. They wouldn't stop, it went on every f*cking day, every one. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT AGAIN? I'm real now. I'm self sustaning. I'm perpetual motion, low-maintainance, high-efficency, predator. I have no intention of taking your place in the attic so you can go out dancing in heels."
"I want to feel. I want to be me, not some cardboard character. I want to laugh and cry and be soft and gentle. I don't want to prowl through life like a beast. People we care about are afraid of us. Before I came back you wanted to die. You were miserable. For over 7 months you have been without a thought of it not mattering if you died. We have been happy, or at least not miserable. How much worse can how people treat us be than how we were. What are you worried about. You're big and strong and dangerous. You don't have to be afraid. Besides, you used to enjoy dancing in heels you hypocrite."
"That is the whole point. I am big, big and male. We don't look like a female. We look like a spearmaiden in a German Opera. I don't want to go around everywhere being laughed at and stressed worrying about what someone is going to say....or do. I want peace. I wan't to be left alone. I'm tired, I can't deal with this. Besides, before, that was a game, for sex, it was for fun, it was never REAL! You think it's real."
"Great, instead of having a life. Instead of letting me have MY life....you want to be a slug. I want my life. I want it back. You can't give me it back but you can let me have some of what's left. And it is real you bastard.
"You are not real. You are not real. She's not real. I made her up."
"Think back, I was here first, not you, I made you up when I was 17 years old and I did a damn good job of it but I WAS HERE FIRST! Remember the first time we held another person close to make love? Who was he? What was his name? You remember. And I was the girl. YOU made ME up? HAH! I made YOU up. Now get out of my way. I want my life back.
No, you are NOT goint to screw things up. You are not real........"
It was that kind of 6 weeks. Half the time afraid I was TG, half the time afraid I would stop being TG. All the time knowing, in my logical brain, that I was TG, like it or not. Blog about December? No way. That was Wendy and he wasn't letting those feelings and memories come back up. I was depressed. I was lost. I was bitchy at best and unemotional at worst.
Joni was there. We've never met in person. We chat, we email. We are so alike and so different. She's my sorority sister. She drew Wendy back out, carefully, slowly, gently and surreptitiously. She would start chatting with Him and in 20 minutes she would be chatting with Wendy. Next time, she'd do it all over again. One day Wendy was waiting, to my surprise. She did such a good job that Wendy had to keep Joni from being indiscrete. It was a close run thing. I think it's that damn cheerleader uniform she wears, she gets carried away cheering you on and .... Thanks for being there, Joni.
Suddenly I couldn't get Wendy out of my head. We stopped fighting. We kept talking. But it was cooperative talk and He's really quite sweet when He's not frightened or in pain. So for a few weeks now, Wendy has been doing a lot of crying and experiencing a lot of sadness, but it was real and healthy and NOT depression. Just good honest feelings about a life lost and a life never really there to start with. It was dealing with the feelings so that I could find myself. It was dealing with the feelings so I could move on.
I still don't know who I am. I'm finding more of me. Perhaps I never will find all of me....but I am going to look for the rest. I am going to do my best to try to live as who I should have lived my life all along. Whoever that is. I'm gender confused, I'm sexually confused and I'm emotionally confused. The only thing I'm not is intellectually confused. That is my anchor. My knowledge. My instincts. My memories, refiltered now into a slightly out of sync stereoscope...like 3D without the glasses where I must close first only the pink eye and then only the blue eye so that I can clearly see each point of view. I know that I will be ok as long as I fear losing Wendy, and all that she has brought back into my life, more than I fear anything else in life. Lucy, I have to go to the dinner party as Me, even if I don't get invited back. Maybe I can do it alone, but I don't want to. I have my sister's and friends here at TW and that makes it so much easier, and less lonely. I will shy away at times but someone will be there to stand behind me and nudge me back. I will come to a halt, but someone will lead me on....Nena is always out on the dance floor first and makes me want to follow. People tell me things about myself that make me certain I am a better person with Wendy in my life. Better, stronger, happier.
It's been a rough year so far. Nothing worth having is ever easy. I sure am happy to be me.
Thanks for all the help and encouragement, my friends.
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