Posted by wendy larsen
October 13, 2008
Filed in Society Girl's Personal Blogs
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I just woke up from a long and detailed dream. Sound, color, dimension, lots of people and small details, conversations that made sense and reruns of places from dreams I've had in the past with additional detail. Of course the usual strange juxtapositions that occur in dreams, but this time all "logical" in the aftermath of the dream. Real enough I'd like to be where I was and with the people I was with. This is an unusual situation even for "me" who dreams in color and detail most of the time and repeats locations in later dreams.....dream locations, not real locations. {OMG, that just triggered a memory of a city from another dream and I can remember the layout and streets from it. } Last night's dream was so lovely and so detailed and even parts that might have become scary did not. It also contained elements that would have pleased "Him" as well as "Wendy". In fact, elements that I would appreciate in my current self in a mix of "male" and "female" interests that remain for me. No violence or fear situations. Beauty, nice conversations, friendship, kindness....things like singing and geological beauty of caves combined, being outdoors and hiking, a museum (i've been to before in a previous dream), architectural detail with a discussion on historical masons and surprisingly finding myself accepted and liked in a BIG ballet class full of detailed people....as my real-life self in age and condition.....liking the real-life difficult stress on my body and the integrated me being the TG person in the dream though en homme. Disappointingly, only in retrospect, I was not wearing ballet clothing or shoes, but then one cant have everything, and everyone else was, lol...besides I didn't have warning to go shopping before I wandered into my first ballet class. What was of particular interest was the warm acceptance in the ballet class situation where current-me was really out of place. Laughter was not AT me but in response to my normal sense of humor which was largely aimed at my behavior and how I commented on things. I guess one would say it was a dream that met female socialization needs. I was "a guy" but treated like "one of the girls". A nice dream with nice people and places that I shall miss unless I return there in a later dream. How can one make dream friends? Yet, I already miss them. It this some kind of female experience I am not used to embracing....the finding new friends fast part, not that it was in a dream. But I do miss them already despite that they were part of a dream. It reminds me a bit of DUNE...."The Sleeper has Awakened!".
Yes, I digress.....what else is new? I do have a point with all this and a reason for the title of this post.
Last night, just before bed, my "landlords" told me they were leaving on a trip for 8 days with me dropping them off and picking them up in town. Well....Instant Wendy-time and a week to prepare. This means a rapid completion of my room redecorating behavior to be ready next Monday and by doing some cooking and baking and housecleaning next weekend, finishing with a floor cleaning early Monday morning. Mentally I started to slip into 100% girl-time mentality as soon as I found out. A chance to try on new outfits and makeup and, most importantly, let my FSL become a flood.again. Total immersion for a week. No distractions other than needing to move their car twice for parking restrictions. I've already thought about a new pair of shoes for next week. Some red heels or white heels or flats. I need them to complete some outfits. I could also use some tights for the cool weather. I can't afford it but Wendy has less problem with spending money and clearly is in control of the budget again.
I know, I know, I'm off on details again....but all of that is sending me signals about a psych-mological shift that indicates the imminent eruption of Mt. Wendy. Early "tremors" preceding next Monday's predicted eruption. One of the skills I learned that allowed me to be successful at His anger management, and incidentally release Wendy from the loft, was to be increasingly aware and more early awareness of emotional eruptions of a negative kind. My general increased sensitivity to emotional shifts seems to be working for the, now familiar, Wendy "girl-logic" and emotional pattern as well as the decreasingly frequent anger pattern. I find a great pleasure in this success in anger control. It has replaced the old pleasure of decompression due to losing my temper, a relief that was reinforcing losing my temper for many years. Now that is a cause for feeling bad, not good, due to self-conditioning guided by my former ther......{just had a 2+ hr power outage that shut down all house power...including crashing my laptop...but good old Firefox3 restarted with all my blog above intact....gotta love FF.}.....apist's coaching years before I accomplished this...you see a therapist doesn't solve your problems, they teach you to solve them...lifelong skills.. Anyway, it feels so good to see good feelings coming, instead of just bad, and to embrace them and not fear disappointment....I can deal with disappointment now. I sure wish I had one of my tg friends here to spend next week with, but I'll be on TW as much as I can between trying out new makeup and clothes and, hopefully, shoes and living an entire week as Wendy with nothing to inhibit my embracing whatever new parts of me bubble to the surface. It's no longer even a surprise that this will happen during my upcoming week of peace, pleasure, awakening and serenity.
