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"So here is a short story on my life which will lead up to my question."
I have been married for 10 years and done everything I can do to act like a man, including skilled trades such as welding and being a trucker. I have two beautiful daughters that I am so proud of, and my wife depends on me for pratically everything in life because she a strong women but she loves the home life, the wife side of things.
I have talked with her a few times about some things related to me being a women and she responds very negativetly to it. Referring to if you were a women I would have to leave you type reactions, although claims that if I was a man and lost my privates she would still stay with me. To me thats a bit strange, but I guess loving a women would just be to much for her.
My Family is really country at heart and traditional, they don't support gays or crossdressing among other things that doesn't fit in with the norm.
With all this in light I have been keeping the fact that I so want to be 100% women, all the way down to my privates. I use privates term because I am not sure of the extent you can openly use words on this forum. I have gone down on a few guys as I grew up but aside from a small thrill out of it women still interest me with dramatic amount. Though I don't feel happy when I look in the mirror, still 100% guy, and personally I find myself ugly to even look back at, I want to be a women, but I am trapped in a family that would practically disown me. Furthermore, I would probably loose my kids in the process a dear heart break for man or women in my situation.
I can't crossdress, I can't start taking hormones or even admit to my wife that is what I want without loosing her and my kids and my family. I don't have any support, and they just wouldn't understand.
Originally I thought becoming a women was impossible, that if I was to start down this road I would end up half man half women in appearance and then I discovered that there is surgery and hormones that will slowly change the body to be 100% women, a dream that is so hard for me to ignore.
What should I do?
I can't tell you what to do or what is right for you. That is something you will have to discover for yourself. For each of us it is very personal and often times we are unsure ourselves when we are in a state of denial or forced to deny our femmine side.
I felt very much like you. Though I have never had the opportunity to be with a man, I so desire to try it. Only the commitment to my wife has kept me from discovering what my true sexuality is.
There was a stage where I sincerely though I wanted to be a woman. I wanted to transition right away - please sign me up! I went to a forum similar to this one. I wanted to know what hormones to buy, where to buy them and how soon can I get them? I was told the following:
Slow down - you need to approach this slowly. Dress first. Recognize that each time you buy something new or try something new that you will probably get a very serene, happy and 'rightness' feel to this. This does not mean you are necessarily transexual. You have denied yourself for a long time. Your body/brain is responding to finally getting to express what it so wanted to. If you go slow and look back, many girls find they can find a balance point where they are content.
You probably have to give up all you have. So be sure it is worth it before you go too far or push others too far. Your wife has a right to her feelings, you have commitments to your daughters. Many of the girls here have had to give up marriages, families and children when they go through the transition period. And often they are gone forever. For many of them they really have no choice. But make sure that transition is right for you before you give up what you have.
This is not a race. Take your time and really explore yourself. You have lived a male dominated life so far. Your femme feeling have been suppressed and you need to discover who you really are not what society or forum member decide for you.
Hope this helps somewhat
Take Care
