Sorry for editing it out earlier.
Hi all.
I am new here. First, I want to say thank you. Thank you for having this site. Thank you for reading this post. Thank you for not judging.
For the past...oh...25 years of my life, I have known I am female on the inside. But being male on the outside keeps me from being who I really want to be. I want to transition, but I am more than nervous...I am scare and frightened. It is a horrible thing to know exactly what you want, but to have tremendous fear to do it.
When I was 22 I took hormones for 4 months. I thought I would transition then. Changes started, slowly, but they started. I was nervous about my job and family and had zero support. Nobody around me could understand or relate to what I was about to do. The only thing that surrounded me was fear and doubt.
Well...years later and I am now 38. As much as I have tried, I have not been able to push aside my feelings of being a woman. I fear I am too late to transition, that the world would reject me because I may not "look" female but associate with being female. The options are there, surgery, etc etc... I can do it, but I worry
Can anyone relate?
I worry...
I worry about having a job
I worry about losing my family
I worry about losing my friends
I worry about looking like a total freak
I worry that if I don't do this, I will regret my life years from now
Counseling or therapy is a difficult option for me because I live in a country where I dont really speak the language well enough. I moved to Taiwan in hopes of making it over to Thailand eventually. Living and working here to make money so I can eventually transition.
I have not found any transgender communities so far here, just two transgender girls I met online, but they were not really looking to be friends, they wanted to pursue relationships so I was out of the question.
Here are some recent photos of me. Please give your opinion on my passability...I know looks are not everything, I just hope I look somewhat female.
[url=https://postimage.org/][img]https://s32.postimg.org/s8akdj0c5/3cc9e480d15233f202d0f7606e22c47e_big.jpg[/img][/url][url=https://postimage.org/]uploading pictures[/url]
[url=https://postimage.org/][img]https://s31.postimg.org/6sctzhijv/425725_339800822736836_66085084_n.jpg[/img][/url][url=https://postimage.org/]gifs upload[/url]
[url=https://postimage.org/][img]https://s31.postimg.org/kw88odyi3/teachers.jpg[/img][/url][url=https://postimage.org/]upload images[/url]
Firstly welcome, Keira. you will find some amazing information on this site and friendly suportive people. Personally I think morphing your picture has added a more masculine chin. I suggest you see a councellor that specialises in gender identity issues. I have written and put together other information on gender identity problems, the considered opinion of most specialist is that there is no cure other than following what your mind tells you, you need to do to be comfortable and contented to be yourself. regardless of the age at which you start to transition.
http://gendersociety.com/forums/topic/7790/synopsis-of-the-etiology-of-gender
Shame a well written, meaningfull post by Keira, now she has edited it. Pity I took so long to get round to answering it, once upon a time, she would have had a dozen or more replies by now.
Cristine, Shye BL said:
Shame a well written, meaningfull post by Keira, now she has edited it. Pity I took so long to get round to answering it, once upon a time, she would have had a dozen or more replies by now.
Thanks Christine for reading my post. I put it back, not sure why I removed it.
Perhaps you had second thoughts about sharing your feelings, ashamed perhaps embaressed. No worries, but what you feel and say here is important, at least to me it is. I cannot and will not tell you how to do it, you must only do what you feel comfortable with, there are the pushers who would love to recruit more people to the cause per se, for whatever reason, but some do rush into things, regretting what they do in haste, it does have a huge effect on ones life, regarding employment, family, friends and associates. The link I put on my first post might give you some understanding as to the why,.. you need to understand, to help explain to others there are valid reasons for why you feel the way you do, you have to educate people close to you, to help them understand, which hoipefully will lead to them being supportive, not everyone will understand, not everyone will want to understand, what ever you decide, do, you need to do for yourself, you might lose a lot, but also you will gain so much more.
I know I said I was going to stay out of these forums but I need to add something to what Crissie has posted. This website is all about caring and helping and supporting others. Keira what you have posted is normal , it is normal for you to have the concerns you have. The main problem we suffer at the start is constantly worrying what others will think of you but you need to think of you first.
There are many examples of people doing as you are and there are many who get to the point where they need to lead an honest life , I am just one of those.
You say you think you may be to old to transition , I was 47 when I did and that was because my life was then pointless , I seriously wanted to die. I was unhappy and was the most unsociable person you would not want to meet. The day I transitioned my life changed and my life is now the opposite. I did lose my family but if I had carried on living that lie they would have lost me anyway by suicide , it was really that bad.
What I have gained in return for the loss of my family is a life , a happy life with more friends than I can count , they are now my family and care about me more than my real family ever did. I never feel alone as I can talk to my friends and most people freely about anything I want without being judged. I am not going to pretend it was easy at the start but once I had accepted my family were just history life became easier and over the years my life has become something I never knew I could have or had wished for. I have my own business and am just accepted now , I am now part of the furniture in a town with a population of about 140,000 people , people want to know me , people want to spend time with me and that is a good feeling.
You mentioned about looks , well I am no oil painting but that has not stopped me and it should not stop you. This is about you being comfortable happy and content with life because it is your life. Other people close to you should understand that and if they do not or have no wish to then move on , I know that sounds hard but again it is your life. You are entitled to be happy and anyone who begrudges you that are not thinking of you.
There are people here on this website who understand and they understand because they know how it was or is for them. Please stay here and allow those people to help you. I do not believe you will find another website with so much information and support as you have here. Some members here have had an extremely hard life and may find it hard to talk about or share but at this moment Two of those members are communicating with you , and believe me we did not have an easy start but we just hope we can help.
Take care and do not be a stranger , Julia x
Edit: Spell errors corrected and a few lines added or replaced.