Im so scared. I feel so helpless. I love my daughter so much but Im 2 hours drive away and I cant be with her as much as I want. Love is not enough and I feel so useless. She is just beginning and I know she needs help and Im not there. What can I do ???? Im so scared. Im so scared. But I love her and she knows it. Her whole family love her but we feel so helpless. I want happiness for her so bad. What can I do ????? Im so scared.

Dear Sandra. A harsh reply but very wise words. I will try to be more supportive and as you say not load my anxieties on her. As for finacial support she can have my last penny if needed. thank you sincerely. Dorothy

Hi Dorothy,
i know your scared for your daughter but remember how scared she is!!! You and your family are showing her great support and love, if your daughter needs you she will ask for it.

As Sandra said she does not need to think that you are getting youself upset over this, she will be hitting an emotional rollercoaster and she will need her family more than ever then........take care love JJ xxx

Thank you JJ and Sandra
You are both very wise and I really appreciate your advice. I will try much harder now, and I do beleive this post and your responses will help me a great deal.
Lots of sincere thanks and love Dorothy xx

Dorothy,

I am in a similar position, but from the childs point of view. I love to travel and have backpacked around europe worrying the hell out of my mother the whole time. Its not something I meant its just a by product of her love for me.

Give her all the love that you can. Respect her wishes by using feamle pronouns and her female name. Relise that its not easy for either of you. Support is the best thing you can offer. I was on different sides of the planet with my Mum but knowing that if I needed she would do anything to help is always a comfort. Learn what you can about what she is going through. Remember that if you or anyone else are finding it hard that your entitled to and that there is help there for you as well.

I think the best thing my Mum has done for me is to be honest with me. She told me flat that its not her favorite thing in the world but she'll help me where ever she can. She is now gently giving me the same life training she did my sister that I missed out when growing up. Little things like helping me with slyling my hair a new way, shopping with me and telling me honestly what she thinks works and doesn't. She even bought me a bunch of flowers on my birthday. Things like that are small but help in major ways.

The fact that your here looking for advice suggests to me that you are going to give her all the love and support that you can. So just share the journey with her. She'll let you knows what the lines are.

I hope that I've helped some, as always its just my thoughts.

Hi Fiona
Thank you so much for your reply. I found it very helpful.There is so much to learn from others experiences and your comments will help me further down that road. Im so pleased to hear of the special relationship you have with your mother,and that she is there for you at all times with love and support. It is the same for us, I have started to learn that to be strong,supportive and be there for my daughter if she needs me is more helpful for her and things are progressing very well. She can be honest with me when she is having a bad day and not feel she has to shield me from her depression anymore for fear of worrying me. I can be a bit overbearing sometimes with my need to love and help her but once again I am trying hard not to smother her. But I was so desperately worried for her well being. I know the road is still a rocky one but I am far stronger now and it helps me to be more optomistic for my daughters future.
Once again I thank you for your post, it really is very helpful, and I wish you safe travelling and a happy and peaceful life.
And your comments were really valued so keep them up and others will benefit.
Love to you and your loved ones.
Dorothy

Butterflies begin from having been another (from a song by Eva Cassidy)

Dorothy,

I'm glad you found my advice useful. I know its hard not to be too mothering, after all thats a mothers job, mothering. I'm sure the fact that you refer to her as your Daughter is something that she loves. It took my Mum a little while to be able to call me her daughter but when she did it was so special.

I hear so many worried people on hear, worrying about their parents reactions. Its good to hear another good one. Hopefully it can be inspiration to others.

Fiona.

Fiona
Thanks again for your positive comments. Im looking forward to getting to know my daughter more and more. We always thought she was just quiet and shy never really aware that she was putting up barriers to keep people out of her life to protect herself. But lately she has begun to unfold a little and its lovely. She has the love of her other sister and her Dad to support her as well so I hope it will help.
Take care Fiona
Love Dorothy

Hi Girl's,
all i can add is that since coming out to my parent's thing's have changed with them. At first they were very understanding and supportive(probably thinking i was having a mid life crisis, but when they saw me as Julie for the first time there reaction's changed.

Not nasty or anything more i would say as it being a realisation of who i was becoming. They are still giving me the full support i need from them, but most importantly they are showing me a different kind of LOVE.....they don't interfere with my life but show more of an intrest now, the exact opposite to when i was a full time male and married.

I think this is what Lucy is trying to say i may be wrong but thats how i see it..........love JJ xx

Girl's i think we are missing one point here, all the respone's have been about our need's ie: love and support from the family, But what about the support the family needs when faced with the fact that there son/daughter are changing sex?

we know our need's etc, but do we fully understand the need's of what the oarent's actually need?. To start with they worry about our safety and well being, two though they're there for us are we going to be there for them when it count's, three what sort of emotional strain is this putting on the family?.

Yes transitioning is very difficult for us, but it is also difficult for our parents, so lets remember there needs too......love JJ xx

I somewhat agree with you Sandra, but i feel like alot of the girls here and world wide that the family security is an important part of what we are doing. Then again like you have said if you are transitioning without the family being involved at all it will protect them from the human predujice that we get thrown at us and hopefully they will not suffer from any ill well toward them, but that is wishful thinking as we allknow the jungle grape vines dont take long to rustle and the world knows about us and who our familys are. Then like you have said before is the time to mve to another part of the country and start afresh as you intend to lead the rest of your life. That is easier said than done though.........so its a catch 22 situation......love JJ xx

Hi Girls
Im trying very hard to understand all points of view during the last dozen or so comments. Firstly thanks you to Lucy and JJ for your kind words. I have always had such a deep and caring love for my daughter since the day she was born and to now know the struggle she is going through to transition is very difficult for all the family as we feel so helpless. As you say JJ we worry about her well being and I feel that although my love hasnt changed in intensity it has changed in that I am trying to be even more supportive when it is needed because none of us are living normal lives at the moment. Im not completely ignorant of the pain and feelings you girls and my daughter are going through because I have spent many hours lately, listening to my daughter when she phones up and needs to talk because she is going through a bad patch. But I am trying very hard to learn and thats another way of showing my love. I have read many forums and my heart goes out to those who are having a bad time. Maybe thats all useless to some people but its the only way that I can help at the moment. I have had 55 years experience as a GG so isnt it possible that I could be of some help sometimes ????. I wouldnt try to impose my ideas on my daughter or anyone else but surely this world is a far better place with parents who are trying support their children when they become aware that their child is going through such devastating torment.
Thank you again Lucy,and all the girls Im so glad to be able to communicate on TW. You are all teaching me so much, mostly good but some a little upsetting, buts its the only way I am going to learn and be of some good.
LOVE CONQUERS ALL.
All my love
Dorothy

Well Dorothy i think your flipin marvellous and your knowledge of life is of great benifit to us too. As for the support and love you are giving your daughter, she could never wish for a better mother........love and hugz JJ xx

Hi JJ
Thanks babe you are an angel. And by the way I consider myself to be a very young 55. I can still wiggle the old butt when I want to. hee hee.

Love Dorothy

Hi Sandra
Reference your last comment that it might be better to isolate yourself from the family when going through transision in order to protect the family from all the distress and pain that it incures. I understand your view is trying to be unselfish but I respectfully disagree with you on this point. Family members are joined not only by flesh and blood but also by love and for one member to isolate themselves when faced with a problem no matter what that problem is, still causes pain to the family. Surely an individual is stronger with the help of others. It seems to me that not one member of this web site is transitioning totally alone because they come onto the forums to listen to others points of views and to offer their own and I beleive it benefits all concerned. And its the same for families. Im not trying to be argumentative Sandra, this is just my point of view.

Love Dorothy

Hi sandra
I cant get my head around your opinions. I have never once thought of GID as a sickness. You seem to have the opinion that I dont know what Im talking about, maybe your right but I my only wish is to support.Sickness can be cured, the mind is who you are.
I think you are reading my posts from your point of view and not really taking in what I am saying. I really cant understand you. If you can go it totally alone then thats great but to say that your view is more optomistic is patronising.
HOW CAN YOU SAY "ENTERING THE NEW ROLE SHOULD BE PAINLESS". Accepting that you are suffering from GID is not the end its only the beginning of a very long and difficult road. I dont know why I am writing all this you know it anyway.
Surely knowing there are people around you who you can turn to when you are having a bad day due to the PAIN that transition causes is a great help ? Just to have some-one listen to you is a help, nay it is a human need.
As to your comment "I think that if a person in transition feels bad about her situation and her road, she's not a real transexual." this to me goes beyond belief or am I missing the point. Is it all that easy???? Then why am I reading posts from girls in transition who are having extremely bad phases and go offline for a while to try to sort themselves out, why posts saying " I cant cope " " I cant stop crying" ect ect.
I know I have no experience personally and maybe no right to comment on this subject specifically but to me its not just how TS's feel about themselves its all the barriers and predudice that society puts on TS's that cause pain in transition and again thats where the support of others can help. Talking problems over with others is not an admission that a person cannot help themselves or that they doubt that they are transexual.
Yes medicine will help and money too, but its also knowing there are people there for you, wether they are family or friends that helps dilute pain and fear and make it a little more bearable.
I do not have the knowledge of this subject that you have but I will still stand my ground on this matter.Love and support does help.
You ask how I help my daughter?. Well its to lend an ear when she needs it, and if asked offer my point of view, which is valued by her, and to LOVE her. Simply that.
Dorothy.

Sandra,

Please remember that what you say is your opinion and experience from what you go through. You seem to be the only one who feels like you do. The rest of us want and need love and support from our families. Alot of us have it, alot of us don't. So we who do have an easier time of it. I'm saying its easy, but I am now getting that training from my mother on how to act like a woman in Aussie society. All girls gain this from their mothers as they grow up. Some of us are lucky enough to be getting this at all are really glad to have it.

Its simple things like being told about posture, tricks with hairstlyes and make up,where to find bargins in clothes and shoes, better feminie grammer. These sort of things are invalueble. Without it I would think I am doing ok with transition. So it is mega valuable for my mother to say you don't always sound female on the phone yet. I thought I was doing good, now I work harder and she said she has noticed an improvement.

I think Sandra, that you don't have a close realationship with your family and have trouble understanding those who do. I'm lucky as I think of my Mum not only as my mother but as a friend.

It might not be posible for you to be friends with your Mum, but I think you might find that if you could be friends with your Mum your whole world out look will become more positive.

Sandra, you know we disagree alot on things but as always this is said with love and in a hope that I may ba able to make things a little better for you. As always this is my opinion.

Sandra,

Speaking as Dorothy's daughter, I can tell you this. I am far happier now than when I was living a lie un-told. Since I told my family I have found a new joy in the simplest things. Instead of the constant depression I lived in for as long as I can remember (much like you described of yourself). This is mostly because I have opened myself up to them, instead of living a closed off life from everybody. But having their complete love and acceptance for me is more help than I could have imagined possible. I feel sorry that you do not seem to have this yourself. I think you know that you have lost out with your own family. I think this makes you bitter towards them, which translates to your perception of other peoples families. I think much of your comments are influenced by your own bitterness towards your own parents?

Acceptance is the key to a prolonged relationship. I feel I am better off because of it, and I know I am far from alone on this. I feel that they are better off because of it too. For now they are finally getting to know me, their child, truly. Do they worry about me? sure! It comes with the territory of loving somebody and goes BOTH ways. But the positives FAR outweigh the negatives for most.

Your comments that parents basically have no answers is nothing more than presumption based on your perception. It is not based in fact of experience with those your speak with here. Your parents may have no answers, but that in no way translates to anybody else's parents, and you shouldn't believe that it does!

Before I told my family I was on a downward spiral slowly deeper and deeper into depression. It was my own doing by cutting myself off from them/everybody in fact. Since I opened myself up, and broke down my own barriers of separation, I have received nothing but love (as always) and acceptance and support from my family. I found them there, just waiting for me, behind the walls and barriers I had constructed around myself for what I believe was my own protection. This has changed the direction of my life. The downward spiral has reversed and I am raising slowly in spirit. Could I have done this reversal without them? Yes! (like you and Laura do everyday, which has been pointed out here before), but would I 'choose' that if they are here for me! No way. I suspect you wouldn't really either. But I can only imagine your situation Sandra. I say I can only imagine because I don't know how that feels. Do you know how it feels to have an accepting/supportive family? If not, can your really judge the importance of it? Even if you can, can you really judge the importance of it to others!

In short. You shouldn't paint other peoples lives with the same brush which colours your own.

Love

Katherine

Sandra, I guess we see things very differently. I'm not indifferent to your situation, I just cannot relate to it.
Katherine

Dorothy,
I just wanted you to know that I recently told my mum about me, and she has been wonderfully accepting of it and just wants to do her best to be able to help me. As a daughter, that's all I can hope for. I was always quiet and shy too, when you can't be accepted for who you are, it makes you that way. I feel much better just from having gone out dressed and having the chance to feel like my true self; but for my mum to accept me and help me to live my life whichever way is best for me is the best thing that could happen. Thank you for being an equally wonderful mother.
xx

How very blasé Sandra. No, the parents’ "main difference" shouldn’t depend on whether the child is male or female (though society dictates that it will), but the parent has to accept that they have (for example) a male who wishes to become a female as a child, and therefore all they can do to help him or her is to love them. “Nothing that can possibly require parents' help”?! You don’t have to have your parents’ acceptance to transition, but it may help. Don’t knock the parents that do want to help, or the value that can have for a person like myself, just because you feel you don’t need that sort of help. Parents can do more than just, “using the right name and pronouns, and, if required, money for wardrobe and hormones.”
Dorothy, your comments, your attitude, and your compassionate way of writing are admirable, it’s lovely to have you as part of our community.
xx

Sandra, if you don't think loving one's child for who they are is sufficiently "real terms" enough to have any positive effect on that child then I can't help you.
The fact that a child feels the need to change sex should result in something more than indifference from a parent.
Money, and using the right name may imply acceptance, (did i agree that?) but an implication of acceptance is not enough.
You believe psychiatrists can help, I believe parents can help, even pragmatically. I'm lucky to have my mum, and I think Helen is too, they are worth more than anything.
xx

No, by love I don't mean "a mother constantly in anxiety for her child, and costantly interfering with her life", and I don't know how to explain what I do mean in words, not just at the moment, but the pont is I shouldn't have to.
You seem to compare emotional support with just using the right names and such, going through the motions; my parent's (at least my mother's) emotional support means more than that.
It's possible to have "a life, interests, hobbies, etc" AND parents too.
"a parent's love" shouldn't need translating.
xx

I never suggested that their love should change, but their behaviour? Yes I hope my mother would help me to learn how to become the women I wish to be, most girls get that sort of help from their mother, what greater gift can there be?
You seemed so dismissive of emotional support from parents, as if to say that to imply their support by using the right names was ALL they can do. In a few weeks, my mum has done a lot more for me than that.
As it's way past my bedtime... what more can they do than offer financial and emotional support? Apart from a few practicalities, maybe nothing, but the unreserved emotional support from a parent is HUGE, and you mustn't underestimate it.
Talking to my mother about this is more valuable than talking to anyone else, professional or otherwise.
xx

I agree Sandra that parents may not be able to help with some aspects of transitioning, as they probably have never had to think of it in relation to their own child, and yes of course we need the sort of support that TW can offer, but as you say parents can give all the love in the world. It seems paradoxical that you say they will be mostly unuseful since I believe that all the love in the world is THE most valuable thing you can have when travelling down this difficult path.
"Better to count on a support group... instead of a loving but ignorant mother"? No hun, better to count on both, for one can not replace the other.
It's clear you have a different relationship with your mum than I do; my mum IS a like-minded friend to me. I only wish to stress how important, valuable, irreplaceable and yes helpful a mother's love can be to me and many others in similar situations. If your mum is mostly unuseful to you then feel free to tell us, but don't try and tell us that ALL parents are so useless.
Dorothy, if you are anything like my mum, you mean more to your daughter than anyone, and your love, support and help in any way will be more valuable than anything.
Sandra, you and I have missed out on a huge and important part of our life: a mother/daughter relationship, if you think that is irrelevant then I feel you will always be missing something.
xx

There seems to be a concept here that is being missed by everybody. If you want to know what help your TG child wants, ask THEM. If you want to know what your Parents, S.O., etc. needs are, ask THEM. Everyone is different. Getting stuffed into boxes is what left most of us in trouble in the first place. Let the individual determine their needs, with professional help if desired. Don't stuff them into a box labelled TG, or TS or CD or TV. TG's swim in an ocean, not a box. If you don't ask, you are meeting YOUR needs, not theirs.

Everyone has their own individual reaction to the same set of stimuli. Some people cry at pain, some punch holes in doors.

When I admit a patient to a psychiatric unit, I ask them why they think they are "here". They often say something like "Isn't it all on the papers?". I say, "I want to hear from you what YOU think is going on and what you think we can do to help you." This approach is highly successful and, at least, lets me know what they think their behavior means and what they think they need.

Sandra, to some of us, some of the things you have said in this thread have been quite ridiculous, belittling to parents in general, and a somewhat blinkered view. But from your point of view I can see that the path you have chosen and your attitude towards your mum are true to you, and I respect you for that. Fiona pretty much said it all in her last post. This is your point of view and simply does not apply to many of us. You say "moms are too anxious, and not so rational"; no hun, YOUR mum maybe, not everyone's. And this goes for many of your statements; when you say, better to do this, you mean better for you to do it that way. To tell us that parents are "mostly unhelpful" is simply not true.
All along this thread it's seemed to me that you've just been missing the point that everyone else has tried to make, until your last statement, "I feel that the support of a family *IS* important..."
If you don't have that support, you can get on in life perfectly well, as you and Laura prove, but if you do have it, it is important, and very much so, so I am glad that you have made that statement. How valuable a family's support is will vary greatly between families, but don't criticise something you don't have.
In the same way, you seem to have a "formula" for transition, almost "the pain-free transition" (it could sell a million!) but you must realise that such a formula will not apply to everyone. For example you say that one should not go out in public until one is totally passable, even that it's stupid to do so. Not so with me, it's what I do, what I need to do, right here, right now. I cannot hide away for another few years I need to express myself. Again it depends on circumstances; I have never received any prejudice or negative comments whatsoever, but I have certainly been read, and it wouldn't turn me into a snivelling wreck if I did get any comments. You seem to think that gender is clear cut, we must fit into the role of male or female and absolutely must never allow the public to see us as half-way. This attitude saddens me, on a site like this, going what you are going through. Personally I think it is better to break down those barriers rather than try to reinforce them, so I rather want people to see that I am a man, expressing himself as a woman, and actually, it's not all that disgustingly immoral or shocking really is it. Ultimately I'd like to be totally passable as a woman, but to hide transition, or any form of transgenderism from the general public is counter-productive to our cause, and we will never be accepted without the public's awareness. Your "formula" shelters the public from realising that transsexualism even exists; hide away, transition, go out only when you are seen as 100% woman and no-one will ever know.
I am prepared to face the public, to talk to them if they are interested, and to let them see that this is normal. You know as well as I do Sandra, we are not perverts, or immoral, and as such we have nothing to hide. People ARE becoming more accepting certainly in this country, if any part of society has a problem with transgenderism then that problem needs to be dealt with, not hidden away. Not all people with GID decide to transition or even attempt to be totally be passable, and I have no less respect for them than I do for someone who has chosen the path of srs. Some are living full time like this, and I don't see that as a state of limbo, it's just what is best for them. To thine own self be true. We may have a common goal, but there is more than one path to it.
xx

Don't follow in the footsteps of the masters. Seek what they sought. (Zen saying)