I went to a party at the house of a gay couple who are mates of mine (one since childhood) Last halloween... It was a party for all the people who attend the "pagan moot" which he holds once a month...I met all these people as new friends so I was not withholding about being TV as none of them had ant preconceptions of me and they were all total cool about it... I went to the party enFemme if not a little more gothic than usual and my mates partner's Sister was there whom is a friend of mine whom I hadnt been in touch with for a while... she was really good and we had a girly chat and she was very accepting of me and said all the right things and said how much happier I seemed since We last met...we chatted girly and had a laugh and everything was hunky dory... a couple of weeks ago I got a phone call from my mate Bob who owns a bike shop... he is just one of the Guys who i rode with and went to bike rallies with as I am part of the local biker scene... He rang to warn me that "things are being said regarding your sexuality ...er..and what you are wearing these days!" I denied nothing but asked how he heard it...
He explained that HE had heard it from one of the other Bikers and that HE in turn had heard it from Karen.... he made it plain that he is not judging me and that as far as he is concerned we are still mates,,,I respect him telling me and warning me and I never doubted his sincerity...but I would have RATHER told him myself
so now the word is out in the biker community tht i am TV... so everyone will have time to sit at home and come to their own conclusions..and probably the wrong ones at that...I am really dissapointed that someone spoke for me and never gave me the chance to come out to my friends in my own way.. I am embarrased NOT by the fact that they know , but because of the WAY they found out,.. They have found out that their mate of many years has been harbouring a secret and was not what he seemed.. It all must seem very seedy when you find out that way about someone you know.. I feel like I have been Robbed of the chance of gaining the dignity and respect that they may have felt for me had I been allowed to tell them myself...
people have jumped to Karens defence by sying that she probably Assumed that i was more open about it ( and in all fairness , I did not tell her to keep quiet) and that she ASSUMED my mate already knew... but if that was the case then WHY bring it up inconversation? and if she assumed he already knew , them WHY the need to fill him in pn ALL the details ( even down to my relationship with Lucy?)....Nah! it was Idle gossip and thats all... well for the time being ..i AM LYING LOW..after all ..it wont be long before everyone finds something new to gossip about ...!

I am actually relying on the fact that people cant keep a secret, I told the biggest gossip at work, (who is really cool, shes just a gossip) and I am counting on her to spread it around and make it easy on me, I do not think i will lose my job over it but just feel better knowing that when i bring it up to them they will have already had time to consider it and get used to the idea...and maybe i am totally wrong but there is no guidebook for this stuff..lol

Thanks for your comments and support girls..it really matters..
but I cant help feeling that everyone missed my point..the fact is that I am NOT bothered that they know...it's the fact that I have been robbed of the privalage of telling them myself..it's MY perogative and MY right to come out when the time is right and NOT when someone thinks its a good thing to talk about in TESCO'S and I personally think that telling people yourself gains one a lot of credibility and respect from ones peers whether they accept it or NOT.. something that I was working up to and have spent years preparing myself for, only to have it all pissed down the pan..!! If I was to find out a secret about one of my friends in the same way that my friends have found out about me then I would feel cheated and dissapointed in that person because they hadn't had the faith and trust to tell me themselves... I'm just putting myself in My friend's shoes and If I was them ..then I would feel very betrayed as well !

I think what you have said about how you feel about losing your choice of time and manner is well spoken and that those, who would have accepted you, had you done so on your terms, will accept that statement as a fair explaination for why they did not hear it from you first. The rest were probably a lost cause anyway. I agree, however, that the choice should not have been taken from you.

I am reminded of von Molkte's comment: "No plan survives first contact with the enemy." I am confident you will develop a revised plan, the way you did your first.

Same thing happened to me, though no bikers involved. I told a friend, years ago, he told a friend, his friend made assumptions and told someone else who told several of my friends…
All of a sudden, everyone “knows”, or thinks they know. Whether you face your friends and tell them like it is or avoid them for a while probably depends on who your friends are. But when the truth outs, it’s never as bad as you think it’s going to be.
Just be proud to be you my dear, you’re a lovely person.
xx

Pips

Even if people tell other people stuff in confidence they often just can't keep it to themselves. They think; surely if I tell just one other person it won't matter. Everybody ends up telling just one other person thinking it won't spread. I've had a similar thing in the last few weeks with my "lovely" wife telling her friends and family all about me. Some peopole have kept it to themselves but others I know have spread it around "just a bit". People tell their partners, partners tell their best friends and so on. I'm off to a party on friday night and I know that at least four people there now know, and it's the first time I will have seen any of them since they found out. Should be fun!

.. But, if they all think they are the only one who knows and they don't mention it to each other then it will be OK ... won't it! Is that what they mean by an open secret?

I hope it blows over for you quickly. I appreciate that certain bits of your gossip have implications for third parties, at least I don't have to deal with that.

Take care

Cerys x