Please could any of you girls help me with a problem. I can't believe my stupidity!!

I've just joined a new band and we exchanged emails to keep in contact over rehearsals etc. One addded me to their MSN. I saw them online and started to chat. What I didn't realise I had a picture of me dressed up (as Saffy).

I tried to switch off quickly. After what seemed an eternity, i switched off and eventually found how to change the photo off line.

Nothing was said over MSN, or not that I'd seen. I saw that person the next day to pick up a CD. Nothing was said again. I was wondering what the hell to say. I don't want them to know about Saffy.

A couple days later an email was sent to all the band members from a different band member, (who I'd not been talking to on MSN), hinting at 'Trannys' within the email.

The other day, I saw another member but he didn't say anything.

One person in the band I am sure will say something (as he was the one who wrote about 'trannys' in the email).

Please, please can any of you help with my dilemma. I can't think of any convincing reason as to why I would have a picture of myself dressed en femme on my MSN.

I'd be most greatful for any help xx

Thanks everyone. On one hand, yes I should come clean, but I can't. I'd like to, but I know it will have reprocussions in other areas of my life, my wife. She's fine about Saffy, as long as no one else knows!

And yes, the photo was definatly seen!

I don't like lying, it's not me. But I will be confident and say it was a picture of me at a fancy dress party, vicars and tarts! My wife was the vicar and me the tart! But I will not bring it up in conversation. But at the same time I don't want any of them to spread any rumours. I really want it ressolved ASAP!

I do have sepperate email accounts, it's just that I used that one once to speak to another girl as i'd just set it up but was gonna change it. So then I used that account for something else, and forgot about the picture as I'd not been using it for MSN. i gave that MSN address because it was easy for everyone to remember.......

But thanks again, we'll see what happens......

Yes, definately greatful to you girls and for this place as I've met so many cooooool girls here. You've been brilliant through this dilemma of mine as I can't talk to any one else about it! It won't be resolved until sometime next week when I meet up with everyone, so I'm still open for any more help and advice.

Thanks again everyone

Yes thanks Nancy. Everything is of help

Hi there girl, whoa sounds like a real jam you're in, if you can excuse my trademark bluntness, do you want them to know who you truly are or take the safe road. I can honestly tell you if this band was really important to you, (I'm not sure if this is what you do professionally or for fun) I'd come out of the shoe closet, but if you're not in the mood to rock the boat LIE! LIE LIE LIE! Hell I've done it at work more times than I care to admit, and to a large extent I'm lying to my parents really the only one I'm tottally honest with is my partner and you girls here. That's my advice, what ever you deside, know that you're accepted here for what you are Saffy

Well tomorrow's the day!! and yes Joni, of course i will report back and let everyone know the verdict!!!

At the moment I don't give a **** about the outcome. I'd love to come clean. I have to think about my wife, which is most important. So it will be a photo of me when I went to party! Then it's up to them what they think. I will turn it into a joke to show I'm not bothered. Well that's what's going through my head at the moment. We'll see what happens tomorrow!

But it's great that I have been able to talk to you about this at TW. Thank goodness for this place!!

Next time I reply it will be over, one way or another!!

Thanks again

Saffy x

Hi Saffy,

I agree with all three Joni, Lucy and Wendy.

I agree with Wendy about the horse out of the barn. I also think that there is no reason trying to defuse a bomb that has already gone off. Just another way of saying it.

I think that you are allowing them to put you in the hot seat. (Even if you are only thinking about what might happen). You can make them feel awkward simply by ignoring that anything happened and make them initiate the first move. This places the burden on them to do something. If anyone addresses the subject (which I don't think will happen) simply tell them the truth and ask them if they have any problems with it. I too believe that honesty to your self is very important. You must always be true to yourself. This is the most important focus.

Place the burden of acceptance on them and do not take any responsibility yourself. If you are a part a band with members who have problems with the gay community then you might want to rethink being a part of them. You will probably be uncomfortable with anyone who is so bigoted against anyone who is different. You might not also want to be associated with a group who feel this way as well. You might be showing or expressing to others something that you do not want to represent.

Your inner child must be the most important person in your life. Do not let anything harm that child at any and all costs. You are you and that will not change. Other people who can not accept this simply can not be a part your life.

I hope that I was helpful,

Rebecca Chesnutt

Sorry I've been so long in letting you know what's gone on. I haven't had the opportunity to get online recently.

Thanks everyone, and thanks Rebecca, the band people would just take the psss really, nothing bad, just i couldn't take it. i would be more embaraced which I know I shouldn't be, that's just the way I am.

But anyway......

Nothing was said, I couldn't do it. No one else said anything. There wasn't any uneasiness, or pss taking. I had been rehearsing for days what to say so it wouldn't sound unrealistic, I had to believe what I was gonna say!!

If it does come up, I'm gonna say it was a picture of me at a party and try and make dressing up sound natural, and say, 'hasn't everyone crossdressed for a party before?!!!'

When anything happens I will keep you posted. But I do appreciate all the help and comments you've all made, Thank you.

Speak soon x

Hi Joni,

The band's going well but still no mention of the photo. Just a couple of underlying comments, which I have ignored. Nothing I can't handel at the moment!

When it does come up properly I'll post a message. But I want them to say something outright. I'm not going to bring it up as I don't have a problem. It's up to them to bring it up if they have a problem!!!

Well that's my feelings at present!!!

Thanks again

Hi again Girls,

Well the saga has ended, in that I have quit the band! I quit due to other commitments that have arisen that I can't turn down. But basically, when I said I was leaving nothing was said at all about the photo! They were cool and wanted to stay in touch!

The moral of this story then for me, is to be more careful in future! I felt I did not have a problem, if they did, they needed to have brought it up. They did not. Yes there were a few under the breathe comments, but they were ignored, but I waited for a proper comment, which did not happen, so I did not react to that!

I don't know if this will help others in similar situations, but this is what I experienced.

Thank you all for all your helpful comments and advice. I wouldn't have got through it without you girls. A BIG THANK YOU once again.

Saffy xx

Saffy,
I wrote a long reply that didn't post. Good thing. Thought about your situation overnight and came to the following conclusions.

At the point you decided lie about the photo, embarassment seemed more of a concern than your integrity. I don't mean that in a bad way. All of us compromise ourselves for what we believe is a better outcome. Trouble is, the lie that was fabricated simply wouldn't have held up and the embarassment to you - perhaps the greatest concern -- would have been much worse. Worse yes, it was a terribly conceived lie. A vicar's party?

If as you said your concern was your partner finding out that you had been outed, how would you have explained the 'lie' if one of the band members has asked her about the party. You would have had to tell her. If not, she would have been doubly embarassed to have been partnered in a lie that she wasn't privy to. Lies are such tangles.

Don't forget that sometimes people are embarassed for us seeing something that they think will embarass us. Or, people are sometimes just embarassed to associate with something they don't understand, fear, or have in their own closet.

I've tried the 'lie-my-way-out-of-it' strategy. Hasn't worked for me. Even worse, any credibility to being 'unashamed' is completely sacrificed when finally confronted. Kind of a, 'if you lied about it you can't be too proud of it, or even you feel there must be something wrong with it' position.

I keep wondering about your partner. I don't think confronting or not confronting the band was an issue at all. Your concern it seems was to keep the whole affair from your partner. I think you misstepped there. You should have told her about the picture. You pre-empted her right to be able to prepare and defend herself.

In the event, the plan to lie was completely unnecessary, you've abandoned the band. Whether there really were conflicting activities or not, the band is history but what is left behind is that you were prepared to do the wrong thing for people not so important in your life and didn't do the right thing for the one person who apparently is.

I hope you don't see this as 'bashing'. This letter is more to myself than to you even. I'm just hoping that the sharing here helps you and me, especially me, make the right decisions in the future.

By the way, what instrument do you play?

Love and affection

Ann

Hi Saffy if it comes down to it and you don't want them to know about Staffy one thing you could say is that it was a pic of a friend, or your girl friend, or an ex girl friend that probly what I would do in that situation and tell them that you didn't realize that you had that pic up their untill it was to late. A nice simple white lie that won't hurt them or you (I don't think)

I just thaught up of a good excuse it was an old pic of you @ a hollween party one year. but if you want just tell the truth that you want to become a girl and get on with it.
The best of luck
Samantha

Thanks for extra support Ann and Sam. Have had loads of probs with computer for months and can't afford new one!!! Hence not resonding 'til now.

Ann I play bass.

My partner does know of me dressing up but doesn't know I'm a member here. Ann, my partner would never have met that old band as she wasn't into that sort of thing. But you're right about the lies etc. But she's not that understanding of me dressing up. I'd like to be up front about it all but she will be disapproving of it all. She would have been embaraced of others knowing about Saffy.

It's difficult. I also want to go out as Saffy but it would have to be in secret, but that's not good either. I dunno!!!!!

I'm just gonna plod on for now.

Thanks again,

Saffy xx

Staffy I'm glad that your getting on with your life you can always find another band and maybe they will be cool with Staffy but in not the heck with them there always bands out there and some will more than likely understand. However please do be careful in the future and think your actions through.

Depends of how smart the group are.Go for the line, wee was just playing and having fun me and some friends.They say ,do you have the bravery to let the girls make a girl of you ?Well after some drinks I said okay,and the girls started, to make someoneelse of mee.And I have to say, there has never been so many intrested girls around mee.They want to talk and they want to teatch me how to be someone else.Its fun but music is more fun,and thats about being someone else that to isent it.?I think you can talk youreself out of it if not feeling that life is over .ok ?

Hi Saffy-

Wow, I've been trying to think what I would do if I were in such a dilemma and I honestly don't know. There are only two alternatives that I can see, one is to tell the truth about yourself and let the chips fall where they may, something I gather from the tone of your post that you absolutely do not want to do.

The other alternative is the bald faced lie with all the attendant complications. Let me say right here that I am a great fan of honesty but that in some circumstances an out and out lie is the only thing that will serve. You can say it was the result of a dare or a bet that you lost, of course you may have to back it up with details about who you lost the bet to and so on. Or you can say a vindictive ex-girlfriend somehow hacked your computer and photoshopped your head onto someone else's body. Or that it was pic you took at Halloween (anything goes at Halloween) and you were joking around and sharing it with a friend and forgot to erase it, and that was the only time you've ever, ever, ever dresed up like a girl and you hated it. Hmm, all these sound pretty freeking lame, don't they?

What the hell, though, aren't musicians supposed to be tolerant and so on? There's tons of rockers who are at least androgynous in dress and mannerisms. Maybe the band needs a girl lead singer? I'm not trying to be a smartass but I really don't know what you can do except be honest and if they can't accept you for who you are, then to hell with them.

All I can say is best of luck, Saffy, I hope things work out for you. One nice thing is you can always be outfront and honest here on TW.

Hugs, Joni from Oregon

Maybe this person didn’t actually notice your picture, if nothing has been said then it looks that way. What was the hint about trannies in the email?
I don’t have MSN so I don’t know if it’s the same but on yahoo if your status is invisible, although you can still chat to people your icon won’t be visible to them.
Maybe the person you were chatting to is a tranny themselves, you’d be surprised how many muso’s are, or at least have a tendency that way. Maybe they didn’t recognise you and assumed it was a pic of someone else. Many possibilities.
If they did see it and they mention something then you could say the pic was taken when you were off to a fancy dress party or something.
I’ve had to think on my feet several times to hide my own secret, quite amazing actually how I got away with some of the stuff. I must have given off plenty of clues throughout my life but no-one has ever put 2 and 2 together. It’s the last thing people will expect, so a half-decent excuse should be enough to throw them off the trail.
xx

Saffy,
Joni and Lucy had good suggestions. As far as denial, if only one person saw it, there is no proof and you could just call them a liar and pretend to be angry.....and that would lead to a situation that would be bad for the band you clearly want to be part of. Of course a "convincing reason" as to why you were crossdressd would be that you are a crossdresser. I don't think that is what you meant, however. I'm afraid I don't have any other suggetions than to make a list of "worst case" scenarios and plan for each so that you are able to at least appear more confident if confronted, no matter how you decide on dealing with the truth.

After the horse has escaped the barn:
I use seperate email accounts, at seperate online email services...the "girls" get Excite. I also color code the accounts so the color clues me to the "gender" in action...yes, blue and pink work quite well I've found. I also use a seperate IM application for my two personas. they too can have gender appropriate skins. Wendy gets Yahoo IM and He uss a very different one. In addition I try to never have my male side and female side IMs or emails open at the same time. Too easy to type in the wrong box and ooooops. I do His or Hers businesses at different times. Finally, it is safer to use a "signature" to sign our emails....no way to make a mistake and sign with the wrong gender/name. If you do all this, it is inevitible that you will have a mistake one day....it's human nature. Some of us forget what name to use in "real life" So, this day was bound to come along. I'd like to tell you just to say "I'm transgenedered, so what?" but, of course, it is not that easy for most of us. Your best bet in your current situation is to calm down, think hard and make your best decision. The comment might NOT be about you this time, there will be another time, one day. Being too foward this time might expose you when in fact the email was not even about you. I imagine the eye contact of your band members will give you a good clue. Worst case, act proud, not ashamed; make them rethink their position. Sometimes enough brass will carry you through a tough spot.

I you re "outed", come back and talk about it. Perhaps then we can find you some solutions.

We'll see what happens. Thats all you can do. Play it by ear Saffy. Be glad your here. We're some of the sneakiest people you've ever met.

Hi Saffy-

Just want to wish you good luck and hope things work out. And I'm sure Karen means we're sneaky in a nice way, through force of circumstance and not by natural inclination.<lol> Unfortunately society sometimes forces us to behave in ways we'd rather not like being decietful about who we are and so on.<sigh>

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Joni

Yes, Shan, you're absolutely right and it's sad. Most of us are honest people in every other aspect of our lives but we find ourselves forced to lie and hide our innermost feelings from family, spouses, friends pretty much everyone in the world except other TG people. Even from ourselves in a way. Well who knows maybe things will change some day. I hope so. Thank goodness for places like TW.

Hugs, Joni

Hi Saffy-

If you don't mind doing it, can you let us know how things turn out with your band mates? Not trying to be nosy but I think a lot of us worry and wonder how we would handle being accidentally outed and how other people would react to us.

Best of luck.

Hugs, Joni

Hi Saffy-

Hey girl, it's been quite a few days since you posted, I've been hoping things turned out alright. Hope you're still around, please feel free to let us know how things went or maybe just if you need someone to talk to our a place to vent or shoulder to cry on. Best of luck.

Hugs, Joni

Hi Saffy-

Nice to hear from you, girl! Hang in there, I hope things go well for you. Don't let anyone or anything stop you from being who you really are or who you want to be. Of course you should sprinkle a liberal amount of common sense over what I just said.<lol>

Hugs, Joni

Hi Saffy-

I just wanted to say I'm glad things have worked out for you in this situation. I hope you'll stick around here on good old TW. BEst of luck in your personal life and you musical endeavors.

Hugs...Joni