October 27, 2005 5:57 PM BST
Saffy,
I wrote a long reply that didn't post. Good thing. Thought about your situation overnight and came to the following conclusions.
At the point you decided lie about the photo, embarassment seemed more of a concern than your integrity. I don't mean that in a bad way. All of us compromise ourselves for what we believe is a better outcome. Trouble is, the lie that was fabricated simply wouldn't have held up and the embarassment to you - perhaps the greatest concern -- would have been much worse. Worse yes, it was a terribly conceived lie. A vicar's party?
If as you said your concern was your partner finding out that you had been outed, how would you have explained the 'lie' if one of the band members has asked her about the party. You would have had to tell her. If not, she would have been doubly embarassed to have been partnered in a lie that she wasn't privy to. Lies are such tangles.
Don't forget that sometimes people are embarassed for us seeing something that they think will embarass us. Or, people are sometimes just embarassed to associate with something they don't understand, fear, or have in their own closet.
I've tried the 'lie-my-way-out-of-it' strategy. Hasn't worked for me. Even worse, any credibility to being 'unashamed' is completely sacrificed when finally confronted. Kind of a, 'if you lied about it you can't be too proud of it, or even you feel there must be something wrong with it' position.
I keep wondering about your partner. I don't think confronting or not confronting the band was an issue at all. Your concern it seems was to keep the whole affair from your partner. I think you misstepped there. You should have told her about the picture. You pre-empted her right to be able to prepare and defend herself.
In the event, the plan to lie was completely unnecessary, you've abandoned the band. Whether there really were conflicting activities or not, the band is history but what is left behind is that you were prepared to do the wrong thing for people not so important in your life and didn't do the right thing for the one person who apparently is.
I hope you don't see this as 'bashing'. This letter is more to myself than to you even. I'm just hoping that the sharing here helps you and me, especially me, make the right decisions in the future.
By the way, what instrument do you play?
Love and affection
Ann
November 21, 2005 11:16 PM GMT
Hi Saffy if it comes down to it and you don't want them to know about Staffy one thing you could say is that it was a pic of a friend, or your girl friend, or an ex girl friend that probly what I would do in that situation and tell them that you didn't realize that you had that pic up their untill it was to late. A nice simple white lie that won't hurt them or you (I don't think)
November 21, 2005 11:21 PM GMT
I just thaught up of a good excuse it was an old pic of you @ a hollween party one year. but if you want just tell the truth that you want to become a girl and get on with it.
The best of luck
Samantha
February 2, 2006 9:46 PM GMT
Thanks for extra support Ann and Sam. Have had loads of probs with computer for months and can't afford new one!!! Hence not resonding 'til now.
Ann I play bass.
My partner does know of me dressing up but doesn't know I'm a member here. Ann, my partner would never have met that old band as she wasn't into that sort of thing. But you're right about the lies etc. But she's not that understanding of me dressing up. I'd like to be up front about it all but she will be disapproving of it all. She would have been embaraced of others knowing about Saffy.
It's difficult. I also want to go out as Saffy but it would have to be in secret, but that's not good either. I dunno!!!!!
I'm just gonna plod on for now.
Thanks again,
Saffy xx
February 7, 2006 10:04 PM GMT
Staffy I'm glad that your getting on with your life you can always find another band and maybe they will be cool with Staffy but in not the heck with them there always bands out there and some will more than likely understand. However please do be careful in the future and think your actions through.
Depends of how smart the group are.Go for the line, wee was just playing and having fun me and some friends.They say ,do you have the bravery to let the girls make a girl of you ?Well after some drinks I said okay,and the girls started, to make someoneelse of mee.And I have to say, there has never been so many intrested girls around mee.They want to talk and they want to teatch me how to be someone else.Its fun but music is more fun,and thats about being someone else that to isent it.?I think you can talk youreself out of it if not feeling that life is over .ok ?
April 6, 2005 8:22 PM BST
Hi Saffy-
Wow, I've been trying to think what I would do if I were in such a dilemma and I honestly don't know. There are only two alternatives that I can see, one is to tell the truth about yourself and let the chips fall where they may, something I gather from the tone of your post that you absolutely do not want to do.
The other alternative is the bald faced lie with all the attendant complications. Let me say right here that I am a great fan of honesty but that in some circumstances an out and out lie is the only thing that will serve. You can say it was the result of a dare or a bet that you lost, of course you may have to back it up with details about who you lost the bet to and so on. Or you can say a vindictive ex-girlfriend somehow hacked your computer and photoshopped your head onto someone else's body. Or that it was pic you took at Halloween (anything goes at Halloween) and you were joking around and sharing it with a friend and forgot to erase it, and that was the only time you've ever, ever, ever dresed up like a girl and you hated it. Hmm, all these sound pretty freeking lame, don't they?
What the hell, though, aren't musicians supposed to be tolerant and so on? There's tons of rockers who are at least androgynous in dress and mannerisms. Maybe the band needs a girl lead singer? I'm not trying to be a smartass but I really don't know what you can do except be honest and if they can't accept you for who you are, then to hell with them.
All I can say is best of luck, Saffy, I hope things work out for you. One nice thing is you can always be outfront and honest here on TW.
Hugs, Joni from Oregon
April 7, 2005 1:50 AM BST
Maybe this person didn’t actually notice your picture, if nothing has been said then it looks that way. What was the hint about trannies in the email?
I don’t have MSN so I don’t know if it’s the same but on yahoo if your status is invisible, although you can still chat to people your icon won’t be visible to them.
Maybe the person you were chatting to is a tranny themselves, you’d be surprised how many muso’s are, or at least have a tendency that way. Maybe they didn’t recognise you and assumed it was a pic of someone else. Many possibilities.
If they did see it and they mention something then you could say the pic was taken when you were off to a fancy dress party or something.
I’ve had to think on my feet several times to hide my own secret, quite amazing actually how I got away with some of the stuff. I must have given off plenty of clues throughout my life but no-one has ever put 2 and 2 together. It’s the last thing people will expect, so a half-decent excuse should be enough to throw them off the trail.
xx
April 7, 2005 7:32 AM BST
Saffy,
Joni and Lucy had good suggestions. As far as denial, if only one person saw it, there is no proof and you could just call them a liar and pretend to be angry.....and that would lead to a situation that would be bad for the band you clearly want to be part of. Of course a "convincing reason" as to why you were crossdressd would be that you are a crossdresser. I don't think that is what you meant, however. I'm afraid I don't have any other suggetions than to make a list of "worst case" scenarios and plan for each so that you are able to at least appear more confident if confronted, no matter how you decide on dealing with the truth.
After the horse has escaped the barn:
I use seperate email accounts, at seperate online email services...the "girls" get Excite.
I also color code the accounts so the color clues me to the "gender" in action...yes, blue and pink work quite well I've found. I also use a seperate IM application for my two personas. they too can have gender appropriate skins. Wendy gets Yahoo IM and He uss a very different one. In addition I try to never have my male side and female side IMs or emails open at the same time. Too easy to type in the wrong box and ooooops. I do His or Hers businesses at different times. Finally, it is safer to use a "signature" to sign our emails....no way to make a mistake and sign with the wrong gender/name. If you do all this, it is inevitible that you will have a mistake one day....it's human nature. Some of us forget what name to use in "real life" So, this day was bound to come along. I'd like to tell you just to say "I'm transgenedered, so what?" but, of course, it is not that easy for most of us. Your best bet in your current situation is to calm down, think hard and make your best decision. The comment might NOT be about you this time, there will be another time, one day. Being too foward this time might expose you when in fact the email was not even about you. I imagine the eye contact of your band members will give you a good clue. Worst case, act proud, not ashamed; make them rethink their position. Sometimes enough brass will carry you through a tough spot.
I you re "outed", come back and talk about it. Perhaps then we can find you some solutions.
April 8, 2005 8:28 AM BST
We'll see what happens. Thats all you can do. Play it by ear Saffy. Be glad your here. We're some of the sneakiest people you've ever met.
April 8, 2005 4:03 PM BST
Hi Saffy-
Just want to wish you good luck and hope things work out. And I'm sure Karen means we're sneaky in a nice way, through force of circumstance and not by natural inclination.<lol> Unfortunately society sometimes forces us to behave in ways we'd rather not like being decietful about who we are and so on.<sigh>
Best wishes to you.
Hugs, Joni
April 8, 2005 5:40 PM BST
Yes, Shan, you're absolutely right and it's sad. Most of us are honest people in every other aspect of our lives but we find ourselves forced to lie and hide our innermost feelings from family, spouses, friends pretty much everyone in the world except other TG people. Even from ourselves in a way. Well who knows maybe things will change some day. I hope so. Thank goodness for places like TW.
Hugs, Joni
April 9, 2005 3:50 PM BST
Hi Saffy-
If you don't mind doing it, can you let us know how things turn out with your band mates? Not trying to be nosy but I think a lot of us worry and wonder how we would handle being accidentally outed and how other people would react to us.
Best of luck.
Hugs, Joni
April 29, 2005 5:52 AM BST
Hi Saffy-
Hey girl, it's been quite a few days since you posted, I've been hoping things turned out alright. Hope you're still around, please feel free to let us know how things went or maybe just if you need someone to talk to our a place to vent or shoulder to cry on. Best of luck.
Hugs, Joni
Hi Saffy-
Nice to hear from you, girl! Hang in there, I hope things go well for you. Don't let anyone or anything stop you from being who you really are or who you want to be. Of course you should sprinkle a liberal amount of common sense over what I just said.<lol>
Hugs, Joni
October 18, 2005 1:54 PM BST
Hi Saffy-
I just wanted to say I'm glad things have worked out for you in this situation. I hope you'll stick around here on good old TW. BEst of luck in your personal life and you musical endeavors.
Hugs...Joni