ok, sorry in advance for the length of this post. Once again i must say hi to all you new peeps, and a fond hello to all those i havent seen in a while

For those who dont remember me, im currently a 20 y/o ts at university. Before i left for uni i was struggeling to find the right way, but after much (and i mean months) of deliberation, i decided to go to university and get a degree behind me before i started transitioning. This has been fine up until a few days ago at a halloween party...

To put it simply, i have been putting off 'exploring me feminine side' because i know once i start i will not want to stop, however i finally feel as though i may have an outreach. Since Sunday (theday before halloween) i have been deliberating hard as to what to do, as i finally went out fully dressed. This isnt to say i wasnt noticed, but it was a halloween party, no one cared. The feeling it gave me however (escpecially when i was mistaken for a girl - which happened several times) was amazing, and i finally feel its time to confide in someone. So,the following is a letter ive been planing on giving to a very close GG friend of mine.

There is one main reason I have put off dressing as a girl since the first time Jen asked me to way back in the 1st year of uni – I knew I’d enjoy it too much. And this is part of the reason I’ve been depressed lately, it just felt right that people thought I was a girl, even if only for a small amount of time.

This is not a new thing either, as early as 4 or 5 years old, I knew I was unlike most other boys. By around 7 I knew I was far more like girls of the same age, despite repeated attempts to socialise with boys through football, and such like activities. During the following years (7 until the end of primary school) I mainly socialised with girls only, although at that age they often thought that it was peculiar for me to want to hang around with them playing there games (skipping, dolls, e.t.c…) This even went as far as playing netball when it came to P.E. sessions with the girls rather than football with the boys.

At the start of Secondary school I began to realise how different I was. Boys around me began dating, and I remained uninterested. I did make attempts at dating girls, but nothing lasted more than 2 or 3 weeks, and it always felt awkward, like I was supposed to perform – I would have much rather just gossiped. It was during this first year of secondary school that I started to realise that I actually preferred acting and being treated like a girl.

At this point, had I bean anywhere else, I expect I would have socialised with the girls of my age, much like I had done in primary school, however with my dad working at the school, constantly knowing how I was getting on, this was much harder. For much of year 7 through to the start of 10, I had very few limited friends, many of whom I only socialised with through embarrassment of being alone. It was during the first few weeks of year 10 (at the start of GCSEs, where classes began to be mixed up) where I fell into a crowd where I made some really good friends. Though I would never have told them about my preferences, I at least felt supported, and from then until the time I left sixth form in year 13, I enjoyed a fairly active social life with them, but always having to hide how I truly felt.

It was during this time where I had to hide how I felt at school for fear of my father finding out, that I started venturing a little further at home. This wasn’t much to start with, picking up female mannerisms, taking (much) more care of my skin, hair and general appearance, and generally trying to broaden my knowledge of what I was going through. Towards my later years in secondary school I began growing my hair as well, and although I do love having long hair, that is the one reason why it began.

This behaviour wasn’t that noticeable to begin with, and my mother was even quite happy that I was taking better care of myself for a time, but at some point, and I don’t know when, they seemed to think enough was enough and started trying to persuade me to behave more manly. They still had no idea of how I truly felt – I was tempted many times to tell my mother, but fear of rejection and the consequences of that stopped me – but what I was doing didn’t appear normal to them and because of this, they were always pushing me to be more masculine – sports, clothing, even as far as approving/disapproving of friends.

By the time I was ready to head to university, I was faced with the decision of taking a gap year and getting a job or going straight to university. They were quite happy for me to do either, however the reason for getting a gap year was never the reason they fought. At this time I had had my own computer for nearly a year, and with the help of many online resources (and friends) I had come to the conclusion that if I ever wanted a normal life as a girl, I would need a constant treatment of hormones, as well as beginning to live as a girl full time. This was tempting for a long long time, as I believed that I could begin hormones at home (privately bought – going through the NHS takes years) and by the time the effects were becoming visible, I would be setting off for university the following year. Eventually at the end of summer, when forced to make a decision, I chose to go to university though. I had come to realise that I did not want to spend more time around my parents, who although may have been accepting if I ever told them, would not have supported what I was doing and hence defeat the point in my staying. There was also growing animosity between me and my brother, which to this day remains. My final choice for going was based upon what friends online had told me – get a money base behind you before you start transitioning, even if hormones have a greater effect the younger you are. I was also persuaded that universities are a more ‘educated and accepting’ environment where I could express myself however I chose. I can see where this was based, but somehow the reality of Bradford did not appear one of acceptance, but rather tolerance – and tolerance kept at a distance at that.

So since the moving to university I have been ever wanting to expand my feminine side, and I know many people have noticed and even commented on how girly I am, but I doubt any truly realise how I really feel. And then came the incident with Jen, where she thought it would be entertaining to dress me up as a girl. At first I thought this was a marvellous opportunity to show how I felt inside, but then I slowly realised that this was a very mixed blessing.
For one, I had seen other people in the block dress up as girls before (this was before Dave) and peoples reactions to them had been one of entertainment, but at it being an almost ‘disgusting’ thing to do if they were serious. I also realised that if I did dress up as a girl, I would have been inspired and eager to do it more, and doing such would have destroyed any friendships I had in the flat at the time, and meant an almost solitude.

So life went on, putting off exploring my feminine side, until I eventually moved into this flat in the third year. And since knowing you, I have felt that I can open up more, and actually talk to someone, no matter how delicate the issue. And so finally, I was persuaded into going out dressed up – and I loved it.
Not because I was trying to achieve anything from the experience, but just because for even a small amount of time, people thought that I was a girl, and treated me as such.

And then came the aftermath, trying to decide how best to proceed, whether to confess all, whether to confide in you knowing that rejection could destroy a friendship that I cherish, or whether to go back to hiding how I truly feel – and as I’m writing this I don’t think I could face living like that knowing how wonderful life on the other side might be.

i know not all of it will make sense, but im just trying to make sure i dont overwhelm my friend with information, or exclude anything that ive skipped over. So in essence, is there anything i should add/remove in your opinion?

Also, as a side note, my friend has suggested seing a councellor (just because i was depressed, without even knowing the real problem.) Is it wise to see a university councellor or am i better seeking proper help from doctors/physciatrists if i choose that route?

Thanks for any comments, and sorry for my long (long long) rant.

- Sarah

It’s very well written Sarah, well done. I tried to put myself in the position of the person to whom it was addressed; there is much detail about your early feelings, perhaps not a bad thing, but little concerning the person to who it was written. Without knowing the person or anything about your relationship, I wonder if the addition of another paragraph at the end might be a good idea, to say why you are telling her, and to stress what your friendship means to you. Just a thought, it might not be necessary, as I say it’s difficult to see it from an unknown person’s perspective, but I was slightly left wondering, why are you telling me all this? I think it’s good that you are not asking this girl for anything in particular, and my very minor criticism may be totally irrelevant. You know best.
I doubt if a university counsellor would be much use to you, but I am an old cynic, ultimately you need to be seeing a gender specialist, your GP is the first port of call via the NHS route, you are young enough (and broke enough?!) to go that way, otherwise I’d go straight to Russell Reid.
Once again, well done, I know how hard it is to do this.
xx

If have to agree with Lucy on this. I don't know this person, or even how this person MIGHT possibly react. Right now I'm in a situation where I'm living with a friend whom I thought was cool about my being TG, yet turned out not to be.

But your situation appears to be somewhat different from mine. As Sandra here once said, once it's out there's no taking it back. You seem very comfortable with this person. Maybe there is a way to test the waters first.

Whatever it is you decide, I wish you the best.

Mere