Hi everyone. I am a 45yo transvestite who has been in the closet since childhood. As of recent I have been having the strongest desire to come out and transistion to Rachel. I have been dressing since my earliest memory and realized why I did so after seeing the Christine Jourgansen Story at age eight. I have been caught by my mother from time to time up untill I was 15yo. My first sexual experience was with another boy of the same age of 11 (my mother once caught us dressing). When I was in the Navy (for some silly reason I thought this would stop my desire to be a woman) I continued dressing and soon met a a sweet guy off base who encouraged me to live with him as Rachel. I was out in a sense as we were ofton out on the town, mostly the Hillcrest area. I really thought then that I would come out and be who I should had been born as. When Eric left me for a man, I was devestated. I was so in love with him and wanted so badly to be his wife. At that point Rachel went very deep into the closet. I become her from time to time and so much more recently. I tested positive for HIV in 1995. I think because of this some people may have an idea that I am gay. I have never considered myself gay as I have always thought of myself as a woman born with a plumbing problem so my feelings for men is on the level of female to male attraction. At least to me they are. I realize that society would lable me gay if I were to emerge as Rachel. I am so worried to what comming out will do to my friendships and family. No one outside of a gay bar knows of my longing to be female. I hope to meet others like me through TW and draw strength to make the biggest and most life changing desiscion I will ever hope to make.
LuvHugKis, Rachel

P.S. This is the most I have said about my desire to transition in a very long time. I feel so relieved to finally say what has been on my chest (hope someday to have full breast Thank you everyone for the support

Hi Sandra.
My ability to act as a man has always seemed to be an act. Like putting on a show. While in my mind I want to scream out who I really am. I have never been able to maintain a relationship with a gg. It never felt right making love as a man. When I lived with Eric as Rachel I felt so at ease. Making love as a woman felt right. When I was a young child I was very uncomfortable being a boy and was jealous of my older sister. I hated wearing my clothes and often put on my sisters clothing. I also hated what was between my legs. Over time I grew use to it. And a lot of time as gone by since my first desire to be a girl. At 45 and living with HIV I do not see srs in my future as I did when I first lived as Rachel with Eric. If not for being in the Navy at the time I would had transitioned fully. I planned on doing so and comming out after discharge from service when I was dumped. At that time I was very confused and really did not know exactly what I was. I put Rachel away for awhile and tried hard to live as a man, but could not keep that nagging feeling that it was wrong and I should let Rachel be free. Over time I let her out more and more. Now I have the most uncontrolable desire to live the rest of my life as a woman and would be happy to go only half away (I know that the desire to go all the way will still be there). I feel that I have wasted my life by not comming out of the closet and have done myself so much harm by not doing so. My relationships with men have been rocky to say the least. Most of the men I have been with seemed to be disgusted with my dressing and being feminine. That was how it was with Eric. He wanted a lover to be more of a man towards the end of our relationship. I have not had a boyfriend who accepted Rachel since Eric.
My real discomfort is having to put on an act and be male when all I have ever truely wanted is to be a woman. My body is fine. I am 6' 140lbs. Except for not having breast I am happy as I can look very passable when dressed. These days, although, I have to wear a wig as I went bald on top. And then there is the purging that I have done, mostly in fear of being caught and treated badly. My mother lived here for a while last summer and I got rid of everything out of fear of being caught by her again, even though the last time I was 15yo. I am ashamed that I did not come out years ago and even more ashamed that I am having trouble even now about this. When I read the comming out stories of others I am so inspired to do as others had. The question in my head now is when will it happen for me?
Where do I see myself in 20 years? It is so hard to say, considering that my HIV status is not great, low t-cells and a high viral load. What I will hope for is to be Rachel and to be in the arms of a loving and understanding man.

Hi Rachel.. and Welcome,

You're certainly not alone with those "years gone by". I'm 40 and never had any relationship at all. But I don't feel ashamed. I'm sad, and angry at the long line of narrowminded and ignorant people I have met over the years. If I hadn't been able to turn my anger and shame away from myself I probably wouldn't have been alive today. So, please don't be ashamed. Don't take on a burden that rightfully belongs to other people. Think about it.. why have we been so afraid ? Was it without reason ?

Hugs,
Linda

I am so completely touched by the warmth of this group. I really feel that by finding such a wonderful place that I can finally let out all the pent up frustration by revealing my true self. I really did fear rejection when I first found this site and was reluctant to come back. I am so grateful that Katie continued to send emails asking why I was not at TW. It is such a warm feeling to finally be able to relate with others like myself. I hope in the future to be able to meet some of you in person. I feel better about myself and look foward to the future and the possiabilty of coming out.
LuvHugKis, Rachel

My story is somewhat different from Sandra´s. I would have liked to transition as young as possible, but those days it was not an option and they would have put me into a mental hospital in the sixties. So, after some desperate youth years I kind of decided "if I cannot be myself, a woman, then I must play the game as the society wants". And that decision included a certain self-hatred, I locked my true self behind seven locks and tried to live as a normal man. I could play the game actually very long until I got sick, and I mean real SICK, with asthma and depression.
It was not easy for me to open the seven locks, but I did it and made a headturn in my life. And got rid of my asthma and depression...also my marriage. But won myself.

Laura

My attitude towards my genitals started to change during my transition. From ignorance over disgust to hatred.

Laura

I was bothered as a child by what was between my legs and by how I felt inside. Outside, physicaly, I am a boy, but inside, emotionaly I am a girl. My mannerisms are female. But to avoid ridicule I acted like other boys. I knew from at least 5yo that boys had a penis and girls did not. I am sure that many here has felt the conflict between body and mind when discovering this. I was confused but had no idea why. I saw the Christine Juorgansen (not sure if I spelled her name right) story at the drive in at age 8. My mother wanted to see it and figured none of us kids would understand it or even pay attention. I did. Everything that she did as a child was me. I knew then why I had feelings like I did. I watched the entire movie. As I grew older I never lost the desire to transition fully, srs. I believed that I was on the way when I was dumped and left with a lot of baggage and confusion as to whether I was tg or just a gay man in panties. I do not like being with men as a man. Most men in the gay community would not even consider having sex with me as I had no desire to sleep with them. I have no desire to penetrate a man anally but do desire myself to be penetrated. When I am Rachel I view my penis as a clitoris. Maybe these feelings go back to when I was in the womb. We all start the first 2 or 3 months in the womb as female and the clitoris either stays just that or it grows into a penis. Somehow mine grew into a penis but emotionally and mentally I stayed female. Does this make any sense to anyone here? How can I explain to family and friends what took place so many years ago. Will most people think that I am sick or perverted for wanting what I desire. I have never viewed my dressing as a sexual thing, with the exception of lingerie, as I started dressing long before I had sexual knowledge. Will people understand that it is not about what is between my legs or a lover's but what is ingrained in me that makes me feel how I do and nothing can ever stop it. After 45 years of letting her out and putting her back and out again I feel like a revolving door.

Hi Rachel-

Welcome to the group, you're among friends here. There isn't anyone in this group who can't relate in some way to where you have been and where you want to go. Your story sounds very much like mine in so many ways, and like the story of so many other girls, too.

Please stick around, you will find lots of help and advice and resources here and I'm sure you'll make many friends, as well. I know I have.

Hugs...Joni

Aww thank you Meredith, though I think perhaps it’s not fair to name names, there are countless wise women on these forums.
Sandra, I agree with you that transsexualism is not strictly connected to the genitals and is more to do with the desire to present as female, as you say, the “significance of being seen as a woman”. I think you’ve got it in a nutshell there.
Personal details aside my story is similar to Laura’s, as I’m sure it is with many of us. I wanted to be a girl from my earliest memory, but transition was not an option in those days, at least not for a frightened 4-year old, so I played the game of trying to be the way I thought society expected me to be, which led to a form of self-loathing, and a mild, underlying depression. No way to live.
Though still in the early stages of transition I know that things can be better, in fact they already are. Rachel, be strong, and follow your heart, and if you find the courage to come out and be yourself, and live the way that YOU want to live, I’m confident that you will feel much better for it.
Good luck in all that you do.
xx