Ohmygawd I have never felt so liberated. I called my caseworker at the AIDS project and just asked if she was familiar with transgenderism. She was a bit silent for a second and then slowly said yes. At that I just broke loose and starting talking about everything that was begging to be heard. Ohmygawd, she is so wonderful, I just love Amy. She was so encouraging and my male mode just slipped away and for the first time in so long I was ME not the person that I made up. Ohmygawd I can breath without my chest getting tight. My voice felt so lite as I did not have to change it to a rough tone. I so hate that voice and the person it represents. That person is going away and good ridance, he is such a jerk. I am so through with men!!!! It felt so good just to talk and giggle and not have to be on guard. She said they have several tg clients at the clinic but could not introduce us due to policy, but I will soon meet them as she gave me the number to a therapist in Springfield, Mo. who works with tg persons. Oh mygawd I could not push those numbers on the phone fast enough. I talked to Dr. Lawrenz and she is going to see me next wendsday at 12 noon. I am so glad that the Dr. is a woman and NOT a man. I feel so lite and so much pressure is gone already. Yet, this is only the first step and ohmygawd I have so far to go. I could not had taken this huge leap without TWeb and all my sisters worldwide . I owe EVERY WOMAN here for being my light and power. I am wrapping my arms around all of you forever. I just adore the sisterhood that I have found and know I am adored also. Thank you.
LuvHugKis, your sister Rachel

Omygawd, Joni, you have been one of the influences that gave me the courage. I was so scared and shaking and for no reason. I hope it goes as well with family. My dad is going to be so mad. Most likely because girls like more expensive present on their birthday instead of a sixpack of beer. LOL

Ohmygawd, Mere I could never had found the strength without first being accepted into our sisterhood. You, Joni, Katie and ALL the girls are my support, I just simply love all you!!! All my life I have tried to find a way to tell someone. Except for my sisters in San Diego and a few jerks, including Eric (I now know that I was nothing but a toy to him, what a jerk. Only one more man to kickout!!!!), I could never tell anyone who was not part of the community. I was thought of just showing up as the real me. Ohmygawd, everyones mouth would had hit the floor had I came in wearing one of my mini's and heels. I should had just said something years ago as by now I am sure that I would be just as loved by my parents. The girls I have known in the past have said that there will be yelling, crying, hugging and acceptance in the end as my parent would realize that I am not really changing. I will only be getting rid of a lie. The power of love and all my sisters are my strength and TWeb has saved me from so much pain this week. I have know idea what would had happened if not for Katie emailing me wondering why I have not come back to TWeb. Oh, I am sooo happy I did.
LuvHugKis, Rachel

Ohmygawd, Mere, that is so awful. I cannot believe that some people see us as ill. If they only knew our pain. Ohmygawd for so long I was in so much pain that when I tested poz that was it I could not go on anymore. During my sucide episodes in 95 I was commited twice. I told them I was depressed because of the HIV when the trurh is I have always been depressed from a very young age and have always considered sucide. It is so awful to have to lock yourself up inside yourself and never come out. Only when we do try and free ourself some people want to put us away and label us insane. When I think of all my sisters who could not find the strength I feel so bad that I could not had been there to lend some strength. TWeb, ohmygawd, saved me. I was considering killing myself last week when Katie came to my rescue. She has no idea what that email meant to me. To finally be called by my name and refered to by my true gender was so empowering that I broke down and cried. Go ahead and cry, Mere, it is alright. As you said we all feel the pain and share the joy. It is so wonderful that we are all together and able to be one empowering force. I soooo love my wonderful sisters . No matter how nutty we chicks can be. No pun intended
LuvHugKis, Rachel

Sandra,
I so know what you are saying about the body. Yet I have never considered my predictiment a disease, although I know that it is labeled as such. As for my body, I have always kept it slim and very girly, except for some tattoos that I foolishly did to try and fit in. I would wear thick or baggy clothing to hide my figure from people that were not tg friendly. I have always kept my hair long and have never been able to grow a beard even though I do get sparse whiskers on my cheeks. As a beard (YUCK) goes it would take more than a month to cover my chin. I am soooooo going to rid myself of that problem when I can afford electro or something similar. I have lost some hair on top and that so depresses me as I had such long and lusterous hair. I gg girlfriend whom I was engaged to marry (I ended it one day as I felt so bad to lie to her) down in Mexia, Tx. was a hairstylist and just loved to practice on my hair. Ohmygawd she did such wonderful things to my hair. When I think about it now I cannot help but to believe that she might have been understanding to who I am as she sometimes talked about the tgirls who came into the salon in Waco. I was so jealous and it depressed me that I could not be so brave. Ohmygawd what a life wasted in lies. Nothing but truth from here on out.
LuvHugKis, Rachel gone Wild

Rachel.....Me too , first step, one of many........but the first,
good luck and lots of love xxx
love and light
is that number right?

A friend stopped in as we were going to skydive today but winds were high. I am a D-liscenced jumper and also do freefall video. I was in the chat and didn't notice them untill they were at the door. Ohmygawd I am sorta in a panic on how this is going to work out. There is a married cd who also jumps there. If she comes to this site I am so sure she will recognize me by my postings. I really do not care but I am so still not ready to say it to their faces yet. Even though it most likely will not be as bad as I imagine. The majority of jumpers are very liberal. Someday but not today. I do not want to give up jumping. I just love the freefrall and love flying mt Stiletto (an elliptical canopy). Maybe someday I will fly it in stilettos!!!LOL. When I do start my life over I hope to move to someplace like Key West as the dz there is tg friendly as I have heard mention from someone. Also Bay area skydiving and Davis is also friendly.
I so hated having to go in to boymode. I never noticed how fast I shut the door on myself untill I looked out the window and saw him. I hated closing out of chat so fast as that was sooooooo ruuude. Any one who was there when I did so I am soooooo sorry.

Gawd, Rachel, that is so cool. I am so happy for you, I think I may start crying. Good for you, you go, girl! Don't let anyone stop you.

Hugs...Joni

Rachel, dear, there's no use crying over spilt milk, it only makes it salty for the cat. There are lots and lots of us who came to the realization of who we are late in our lives and yes, regret the time that we "wasted", but barring Professor Peabody and his boy Sherman and their Wayback Machine showing up on TW, there isn't anything we can do but move forward and do the best we can with the time we have at our disposal.

I totally applaud you for your courage and bravery. I know how hard it is to make those first few steps, but oddly enough, it seems to get easier, at least it seems that way to me, as though there were some sort of momentum building up that keeps me moving forward even when I'm scared to take that next step. Sometimes it seems like there's an inevitability to it and I couldn't stop if I wanted to, not that I do.

And for me, at least so far, it has been about the journey and not the destination, mainly since I really have no idea where I'm going or where this path will umtimately lead. The journey and the friends I make along the way seems to be what it's all about.

Good luck, Rachel. Best wishes and good thoughts.

Hugs...Joni

Thank you, Sandra.<BIG BIG HUG>

-Joni