I have been thinking a lot since I said goodbye and started to purge. I was going to get rid of all my stuff but could not bring myself to do it this time. I think I was fooling myself to believe that I could ever stop this. Ohmygawd, I feel so good when I dress and put on make up. It has always been the most natural thing that I have ever done. All of my life I have done this and after awhile I start to believe that it is not right when I know in my heart that it is. I feel bad and depressed after I purge. I tried to purge again and this time I could not even throw out one tube of lipstick. I need to really talk about this with my therapist tomorrow(1/04). I need to understand why I still have feelings of guilt about being tg when I feel better as a woman than I do as a man. I know in my heart that eventually it will all come out and I'll be free of the guilt. I thought that I was past that part but I guess I am not. Right now, I am dressed and feel great about it. I am still seeing the therapist and feel great about that. I have been emailing with a gg in another state and feel as if I am lying to her about who I am and feel bad about that. I believe that this is the main reason why I have never been able to stay in a relationship. Living this lie and not being able to admit to someone whom I care for is depressing and to stop the depression I leave. I was feeling that way the other week. I really like this woman whom I been emailing with but like I said I feel as if I am lying to her and so I stared to purge but couldn't complete the process of purging. I never want to ever put myself away again. But what about a relationship? How do I stay as myself? Is there any hope of balancing the female with the male in me. Or, is it one or the other. If I could never be myself ever again, I would just die inside and be depressed and miserable. I have learned so much here and have seen others like me with simialar problems. I only wish to be as strong as others here and to live fulltime as me. How I am going to do it is a mystery. I guess since I stared the process by telling my caseworker and seeing the therapist, it's a start.
Anyways, I am glad to be back here at Tweb as I missed everyone. Especially Ms.Gabrielle Hart.
LuvHugKis, Rachel
I need to do another picture. This time with my face

You define yourself as a transsexual. Do you feel you are a woman in your core? Do you want to live as a woman? If you answer yes, then you are a ts.
And you are in the position I was in 3 years ago. I saw only darkness ahead, had many fears of jumping into the dark.
But in my case ANYTHING was better than continue the lie.
So I took the risk.

Laura

i'll bet yu've been thinking for sure hon, thats how it goes.....up and down round and round ....until the realisations sink in and the evidence starts to weigh up......purging tends to be part of this cyclic process of revealing of our inner identity...and then reacting against it, trying to "go back to being "normal""....and the needle swings back and forward......tick tock tick tock....in the end , because some realisations are of the deeply significant type that are harder to ignore.....we cannot go back.....The door to our old self is shutting and the impossible pandora's box lid is the one thats opening up........
a lid thats been ignored thru life........no doubt like myself you'll be re-examining the reasons you feel as you do....and they 'll trigger acceptance one minute, and doubt (denial) the next.....if you are allowed to examine these issues then acceptance helps dampen the swings a bit.....that finding out who you really are is not so big a deal, confiming this as reality is tho....so we test our selves to he limits....and do extreme stuff to try and break the mold, only to see through the cracks that we are not what we believed we were....I feel for you, I'ts a tricky one......go easy on yourself, your worth it........
love and light
reality's bite

Linda
Sabina

I read what everyone posted and it is all true about me. I have always felt as if I was not a real man but someone playing the part of a man. I know all to well that purging will not make a "real man" out of me and that I will always return to dressing up and wishing that I was born full female. I honestly feel that I am female inside. I just dispise the guilt that makes me back up when all I want to do is go forward. Often I think of just going away and emerging somewhere where the male me is not known and just be the part of me that I wish most to be seen. Then I feel guilt for wanting to kill the part that others love, the male part. That is the part that I dispise. I cry over this and feel awful. I know that trying to run from myself is not going to work and the only way to be completely happy is to just let it happen and stop trying to stop it. I have an appointment with my therapist today and have so much to say and ask. I knew that this would not be easy when I took the first step to coming out and have no idea how hard it will get before it gets easier. I admire everyone here so much as so many are so brave to face the world as their true selves. Such as Mere, in the short time that I have been here at Tweb, I have seen her take so many big steps and I have so much respect for her as I do all my sisters. I so badly want to start going out again. Maybe today I will stop in at Martha's Vineyard, a tg bar in Springfield, after therapy.
LuvHugKis, Rachel

Rachael,

When I read your post, everything seemed to sound like my thoughts over the years.

A dozen (or more) purges throughout 30+ years of CD-ing.

Hating to pretend every day when I put on the clothes of a boring old guy (since society says that I can wear "only this or that" without embarssment in public).

Avoiding relationships because I could never tell a girlfriend about my real feelings. Or, (God, worse yet) what if she went through my closet or dresser!?! "I'd be ruined! I'd have to pick up and move out of state or something!"

When younger, like most young adults, I thought: "I can control it. I can do anything I set my mind to do. This can be 'managed away.'"

Yeah. Right...

Along the way I even met my wife, who was such a fantastic, bubbly, outgoing and friendly sort, that I fell so hard for here that the CD/TV/TS feelings did go away. I felt like: "O.K. this is cool! No more incongruity! I feel "normal." So much so that I purged (again), proposed, got married and was alright for about a year. Of course, I still had those "one thoughts" every time I wasdoing laundry and putting her clothes away, but I didn't Act on them so all was o.k., right?

Well, you guessed it, the feeling some back, as they do after every purge or after every other type of major change in life. And, as with all other times, after this purge, they came back stronger. This has always been the case for me.

After hiding my CD-ing from my wife for six years or so, she came home early from work one day, and, although I was able to change clothes quick enough, I was so fed up and tired of living a lie, I told her. Everything.

She hates it, but, since it's a part of me and not all of me she tolerates it. I, in return, don't go around the house in silicone boobs, wigs and skirts all the time, either. I dress just like any other girl: tank top/t-shirt/fleece; jeans/shorts; shoes/slippers But, they're all womens clothing. I don't own much of any men's stuff. I just wear "normal" clothes for a"normal" woman. That's me. Your "Comfy and Casual" girl.

(O.K.: I do wear silicone boobs, wigs, etc. when I have the time and inclination and nobody's home, but, just like most women, I do not have the time to get "gussied up" very often. Life's a busy thing...)

So, after all of that rambling, what I'm saying is: Yes. You are right. It is something you will have for the rest of your life. It will come and go in intensity. It will cause good days and bad.

It's a part of who you are, but not the whole part. Don't let it upset or ruin you. It, with a family history to help out, caused me to drink like a fish until I needed treatment, and my life has been much, much better ever since, so I am glad you are seeking help. The addiction rates and suicide rates for our population are very high. Seeking professional guidance is nothing I am ashamed of and would recommend to any and all TS/TV/TG, etc. to talk about things with a trusted person, be it a psychologist, counselor, doctor, priest, whomever.

You can do this alone, but why? Quitting your acceptance of what "society" says you are-or-should be is like giving up anything else that's become an engrained habit. It's hard. It's painful. It feels wierd. You do not feel comfortable with it anymore, but you don't feel comfortable without it.

It's like quitting drinking or smoking: when you have a support group or network, your chances of succeeding are much greater.

And, yes. After being a rambling poster here for a little over a year, I must say that some of my best support and therapy has come from Katie Glovers Halfway and Sorority Home for T-Girls.

Exscuse me, now, while I take off my bunny slipper and give myself a pedicure.

Hugs,

Kari

Rachel
Welcome back babe, sorry it took me all this time to reply. Once again i get a mention in your post for doing nothing. You are so brave to face your demons and return to us. You are an inspiration to us all that we can get though this together. The past is exactly that, lets look to a future as we want the world to see us.

Welcome back :hug:

Wheres this half way house, I want a room

Karen, it seems that all of us have the same story. I have known a number of girls over the years and with them also the story was the same. In a way we are all connected to one another by this strange shared story of our lives. By coming here to share my story and to hear that others share the same, I feel more at peace. By knowing at an early age what a transgendered person was I never felt it to be a perversion but from what society sees it as, I felt that I needed to hide myself behind a mask. With therapy and all my sisters here I'll find myself and so will you and all the rest of our sisters.
LuvHugKis, Rachel

Rachel, reading your posts was like reading my diary (if I had one). While I consider myself a CD where you consider yourself a TS, it is only a matter of degree. One thing very important to note about your posts and others like them is how important it is to our community and not only to those who are active "posters" to the forums. I think there is a huge amount of "silent majority" members who appreciate honest posts such as yours which result in great discussions. So know others read your confessions, your anxieties, your hopes, your plans and it helps others in unspoken ways. The truth spoken in these discussions really does set you free and set others free as well.

I am currently not April and have not been for a week or so, but April's wardrobe and accessories are in the closet. In the past given where my head was, I would have purged and like you it would only come back stronger and then I would go out shopping again. (American Girls, have you found yourself shopping at WalMart like me, because they have self-service check-out and you don't have to worry about the living cashier giving you funny faces about your purchases of cosmetics, lingerie and skirts? I digress.)

I am OK with this hiatus from April and I am not sure how soon April will be back. But what is a given, is she will be back. I have come far in my own life to finally recognize that fact. Honestly, I don't like that. But like my "TGness", I am bald as a man. I don't like that either, but there is not a darn thing I can do about it. I am divorced and dating several different women and wished I could simply be "normal ." Wendy Larson spoke a basic truth, we can choose whether or not to live a TG life but we cannot choose to not be a TG. For me God, made me bald and he created April, as well as the man writing this post.

But Rachel, when dressed as April, I can't help looking in the mirror and smiling at how I look and feeling that feeling we all seem to get when dressed. The few times I have had the courage to drive around town and actually go out in public as April (to a very limited extent) have been unbelievably scary but exhilarating at the same time.

I know April will be back. For me (and maybe no others), I have come to terms somewhat with April by considering that there are two different people in my body and both are really good people. Unfortunately for me April is limited in her exposure to the outside world but she is still there. I apologize if this seems like a rambling collection of random thoughts, but perhaps that is April's fault.

If you are spiritual, perhaps you can look at it as being part of the design that your higher power intended when he (or she) created you. If you are not spiritual, then simply look at it as a difference in your DNA from a male who has no TG traits. Life is short and whether or not there is a life after death, do you want to ruin this wonderful voyage to an unknown destination by worrying about what clothes you are carrying in your baggage?

April

You can't stop being TG by purging. Doing it is like purging to lose weight. It just makes you ill.

You didn't choose to be TG. You were made that way. Nothing to feel guilty about there. You can choose not to live transgendered but you can't choose to not BE transgendered. Your parents are more responsible for your being TG than you are, assuming it was environmental conditions that shifted your hormonal levels during mom's pregnancy and caused you to be TG.

It would be far better to find yourself and make relationships with people who know you are TG than to form relationships with people who do not know that may result in painful separations later.

You can only "balance" your male and female side if they are balanced. You are what you are, though we can shift the apparent balance between the two.

You won't make anyone else happy if you are not. I think you know the right path for yourself. you just need the courage to start walking down it. Being here will help you find that path and the courage to walk it. You will find you are one of many, many, many like you. Once you realize it would be "wrong" to NOT be yourself, you will know what to do.

Welcome to the Katie Glover Halfway House and Sorority for T girls. Grab a seat and paint your nails.

At times I feel very good about being TG. At other times I think it will stop me from ever being happy. I think I'd be willing to give up anything for a loving relationship. But without removing a part of my brain Karen will allways be a part of me. A part I can't shut out. I would never be happy if I did. She's been a part of me since the age of 8.
I know for me to start being realy happy the world will have to meet the real me. But fear keeps that from happining.
So I live the way I am for now untill the day when I can't .

Hi Rachel-

Glad you're back.

Hugs...Joni

OMG Rachel do you have my head going. When I found Tweb I thought of myself as a sissy pervert. Than a CD, leading me to a TG. I realy do feel better about myself & I'm still finding myself. I think the thing to do is not to stop untill I know just who I am.
Like you I admire so many girls here. Mere, Linda O, Sandra.
Laura, Lucy, & many others. I know what they have is both bravery & conviction. The conviction to know who they are & the bravery to do something about it.
Just hang in there & stay with us. In time maybe both of us will find what we seek.