I married when I was 22. Divorced when I was 50. Our sex life was never satisfying for me. She didn't like oral sex. She didn't like gential touching much. Anal touching was a big no. Most of her body was off limits to me.
I had initiated talk after talk after talk about our sex life. We always ended up in the same place. That was her saying she would try and do better. I didn't want much at that time. More caressing and touching and perhaps oral sex once in awhile, would have been enough. But she never really tried in any way that I recognized. She didn't read any books that are meant to help, she didn't talk with a therapist. Things may have gotten better the first or second time after "the talk". but would soon settle into boredom and dissapointment and rejection. I got so tired of being rejected
Eventually I too no longer wanted to talk about it. I turned to sex workers to experience the sex I wanted.
I started cross dressing when I was eleven. Cross dressing was almost always apart of my sessions with sex workers. It was usually really hot and very, very satistying. After lots of play and experimenting I pretty much stopped. It was very expensisve and got to be a bit lonely. I was wanting imtimacy that came with sex and with sex workers it wasn't there.
Along came the internet and my knowledge of cding increased by leaps and bounds. Through onlione connections I began to understand that it needed to be part of my life and no longer in the closet. At this time my cding was lingerie focused. The thought of one day going out into the world dressed as a woman was the farthest thing from my mind.
We had been married about 24 years when I decied to tell her. She was accepting as we say in our community. It was ok for her if I wore panties. It was ok with her if I wore nighites to bed. We even had sex with me wearing panties. As freeing as that was and how grateful I felt toward her it turned out not to be enough.
One night she was reading I book I had bought about cding. She said to me "the man in this book wants to have sex dressed as a woman, isn't that the most awful thing you ever heard of?" I just mumbled a response and turned on my side. I could feel the pain in my heart, knowing at that moment that I would never get to experience something I had been craving, something I needed. Something that was important to my being, my soul.
There were many changes in our lives over the next 5-6 years. I told her I wanted to go support groups and eventually Southern Comfort Conference. She was supportive of that. She just didn't want me to go out dressed in the town where we lived. At the time I thought that was OK and a reasonable compromise.
Job changes, selling our home, moving to a new state lots and lots of change.
One thing that didn't change was the lack of love, sex and intimacy in our marriage.
After months of thinking and figuring out what I wanted in my life I came to this conclusion.
I could no longer commit myself to a woman that didn't love me enough to be in my life fully, completely and willingly. Acceptance was no longer good enough for me. I wanted unconditional support and encourage in my gender journey. I wanted a full and satisfying sex life. I wanted someone that could accept all the love I have to give.
I didn't know if I could find these things and it was scary thinking of life on my own. Deep in my heart I knew that if i didn't make a change then my life will never by fulfilled.
I told her I could no longer stay committed to our relationship. It was a difficult day for both. I moved out of the house the next day.
Five years later... I'm married to a woman that has always been attracted to femme men. She knew about my cross dressing from the first cup of coffee we had togeether.
She has supported and encouraged my living full time as female. Our sex life is hot beyond, way beyond my wildest dreams.
This is my story, this is my life
Comments welcome and appreciated