Hi everyone!
Well I told my SO this morning that I came out of the closet 3 or 4 years ago. It was terribly difficult. She was absolutely shocked and upset. She cried for a good while and berated me that I should never go out dressed again.
We had a good talk and agreed that we need to keep on talking. She couldn't believe how I could be so inconsiderate to go out dressed to a local shopping centre risking everything by being discovered by family or friends. Worse still being ridiculed behind my back and not even knowing about it. She made me promise that I would never go out dressed again, and I had to agree in order to save our marriage. In my defense I explained that I wouldn't have been recognised.
She said she is very tolerant but that is the absolute limit. She still loves me.
I think I need help and advice again. Please refer to my other posts on the forum for SOs that don't understand you.
She asked me if I had any homosexual tendencies at all and I reassured her that I do not. I also told her that I do not want a sex change.
I just want my TV side to form part of our lives whereas up until now it has been hidden underground.
What's next I do not know but in reading other posts I think we are in for a rough ride for a while.
Any advice no matter how inconsequential would be most welcome.
Hugs,
Kay xxx

Kay,

Hiya and sorry to hear it went like that, but is often to be expected. It took alot i'm sure to tell her, and you should be proud you did! I'm not good with advice, but alot of the other girls here are so i'll leave that to them. I wish you the best and if you ever need someone to just talk to etc.. I'm around often, just grab me aside! *Smiles* You have alot fo support here! I wish the best for you!

*hugs*

~Valerie

Kay,

I've had this question too, several times: Why didn't you tell earlier ?
Now, I'm not married so I could simply say I have a right to privacy - since I left my parents house, anyway. But the real problem - the way I see it - is that my parents were much like most other people of their generation: Having a child like me was an embarassment.
And this reminds me of what you're saying about your wife's reaction: What if you had been found out at the local mall ? A great shame, I'm sure...

And isn't that very much the story of our lives: The people supposed to love and support us - ashamed of being related to us. It's really no better than racism. Isn't that excactly the kind of attitudes that makes us hesitate with coming out ? And when we finally do, people have the nerve to ask us why. There's an expression for that kind of thing: Putting the blame on the victim.

I don't really think it matters if we have been married or not. Of course, you're supposed to be "honest". But what if you had been from the very beginning ? Would she have married you in the first place ? Or would she have considered you a "coloured man" ?


Linda
Sabina

I agree with you on that, Sandra. The problem is that most often it's the single individual that will have to confront society. And that also means SOs, parents, relatives, friends - as individuals meeting local society.
I have no problem with understanding that this can be a real challenge - also depending on where we live. But the simple solution - "don't go out anymore" - it's not too realistic, is it ? But I guess a councellor could tell Kay's SO that...

Linda
Sabina

Dear Kay,
First congradulations!!!! It was a big step for you and your future, to tell your SO. I'm really glad for you and all of us that you did that.
Going out dressed to the shopping center is a big deal too. That took courage and lots of it.
I remember when my ex told me that I couldn't go out dressed in the town where we lived. It felt terrible for me to hear that. It told me she was ashamed of me and it made me feel ashamed of myself. She said if I wanted to go out dressed than I would have to go somewhere else. It was like I was being banished. That really was hurtful. I couldn't be myself. At that time I was just starting to go out and felt a insecure about it. This made it worse. This isn't what would be call tolerant.
Giving advice is always a difficult thing becasue my life expereinces and learnings may not be relevant to you.
I've said this to my wife when I came out and I've seen it written in hundresds of comments from others when they told their wives. "I'm not gay, I have no interest in men, I don't want to be a woman"
When I said this, I knew for certain that it was true. Now i know differently.
I don't know how wonderful your marriage is outside this issue. I don't know your situation with your children, family and job. All of these are very important considerations in coming to a decision.
My advice is to take some time, perhaps a very long time to think about what cross dressing means to you and your life. Work hard and study until you come to realize happiness and joy are things we're all entitled too. Putting aside our own needs and desires is detrimental to our health and general well being.
If after you figure out what you want in your life, what's really important, what gives you joy, what fulfills your desires, what you can live with and what you can live without, then you can decide what compromise your willing to make with your SO, if any. I've read over and over again and it's true for me too, that the desires to cross dress grows and increases. It as if there is apart of ourselves that must find expression in the world. This may not be true for you and you'll never want or need more.
A cder's we are faced with difficult choices our whole lives. Difficult decisions mean big risks and that, Dear One is where you find the biggest rewards. I didn't make this is up. It's just how the universe is.
I wish you the best of luck in moving through and beyond this place you find yourself now and into a world of yummy bliss.

Rikki
Jan. 29, 2005

Kay, I can only wish you the best. After telling my first wife of 18 years of my crossing (I was just tired of the hiding, motel rooms and living in constant fear of being found out) it only took another year before it all fell apart. Give it time, listen to the support that is written in the forums. God knows it has been a tremendous support to me. Please give her time and all the best to you. I know what you are going through.
Evette

Hi Girls,
Thank you so much for your replies, comments and excellent advice. I have marked some responses with recommendations and have added you all to my buddy list....God knows I feel I need some friends now!

Well last night after work we continued our deep discussion, along with more tears, acrimonious comments, but not much shouting this time.

We still love each other and I am convinced we will get through this. As to what degree of cross dressing will be allowed I am unsure of still. This will take time and more discussion. In the meantime I have agreed to stop it completely for at least 6 weeks.

Her biggest concerns seem to centre around me going out. She still wants to completely forbid this and I have a problem with this. I agree its maybe too risky close to home but I travel with work and have the opportunity to go out of my hotel room dressed. She still cannot believe this. She has an image in her head of men dressed as women she has seen on television. I think it was a programme about some men going out for lunch together after being made up at the Transformation shop. I'm not sure anyhow she thinks I would probably look ridiculous. I have tried to reassure her that really I don't and that I think I have pretty well passed as woman thus far.

Moreover this fear seems to be founded on the belief that I must have no self control and more importantly that this will become out of control.

She cannot believe how little self control I must have had to put everything we value at risk. She says I am very inconsiderate. She worries that the very thing I assured her 4 years ago it would not turned into has in fact already turned into. But at that time I couldn't tell her, and before then I honestly thought it would not come out of the closet.

What's next she asks me, needing to be dressed at home all the time? Sex change? Becoming homosexual?

I have again assured her this is probably as far as I want to go with it. Who knows if I will change again? I have assured her though that next time I would discuss it with her first.

The last point is that yes Tina I have broken the trust between us and this will take time to heal. She must wonder if I have indeed told her everything, but I have I reassure her.

Well if its OK with all, I'll keep you posted.

Sorry its been a long post but just needed to get things off my chest.

Hugs,

Kay

Interesting how that "are you gay" issue is so prevalant when discussing issues concerning gender identity. I suppose it is a natural concern when a spouse is suddenly confronted with this phenomenon, but I believe it has much to do with the prevailing outdated approach, even among the American therapeutic community, most of whom still view the transgender condition as a psychologically based sexual aberratiion. Individual attitudes are, of course, adversely affected by the erroneous opinions of these "experts" in the field. Public and individual perception of this phenomenon will not be positively altered in the US until the scientific facts about the differences between gender and sexuality are adopted universally in a manner similar to that of the EU and UK countries. Until that time, opinions about us will continue to be driven by Jerry Springer and his ilk, and it is up to us as individuals to educate and inform, and to promote a more positive, or at least accurate perception of our community.

Oh yes, and on the issue of trust. I had the opportunity to speak to a group of spouses at the recent Southern comfort TG Conference in Atlanta, and it was interesting that they all agreed that the issue of trust was the first issue to arise in their assimilation of the whole issue of how crossdressing affected their relationships. Almost all of them described the initial reaction as being similar to that of learning that their spouse was cheating on them with another woman, and in a sense, they still consider the spouse's feminine persona to be just that. They also all expressed their concern that if their spouse had been lying about this aspect of themselves for all this time, what else had they lied about? And these wre the spouses who had stayed with the crossdressing partner! It is this issue, more than any other, that I think contributes most to the dissolution of relationships. The foundation of trust upon which the relationship has been built is eroded, and in some cases, irreparably. This is where a therapist can be most helpful. By helping your SO to learn that you have concealed this aspect of your personality from them not because of some deception, but because of the stigma attached to it, and because you love her and are afraid that she may reject you because of it. The involvement of a therapist can be invaluable in educating your spouse from the standpoint of being an impartial participant in this process. Too often, when we are close to an issue, we allow our emotions to rule our words and actions, and this can sometimes do more harm than good.

Anyway, as I have been known to say from time to time, this is just my opinion. I could be wrong.

Yes, Mere, I have often been cited as a bad influence and a pernicious subversive, and for that, I apologize.

Hi Kay-

I respect you for telling the truth about yourself and think you did the right thing even if it has not gone well so far. I am very lucky in that my wife is accepting and even supportive and helpful though she does not totally understand my TG feelings and need to express who I am.

Perhaps some of the shock and anger stems from her feeling that she has been kept in the dark about something that is a fundamental part of you. Often we feel that we know pretty much everything there is to know about our partners and when we reveal something so profound that has been hidden from them for so long, the first reaction is the feeling that they have been deceived followed by lashing out.

I wish you the very best, Kay, time will tell. I'm sure you must love each other so perhaps that will make the difference. All I can say is you must be understanding of her feelings and make allowances and keep on talking and be willing to be completely open and honest about your feelings. Maybe even counseling if you are both want to. I'm sure lots of the other girls will be willing to share their experiences, both good and bad. It is something we all face in our lives to one degree or another whether it involves spouses or SO's or other family members or our friends.

Good luck and best wishes.

Hugs...Joni

Kay I really do understand what you are going through at the moment. Your SO is confused and angry - mainly because the person she has been in a relationship with is not who she thinks it is. There is much talk and discussion needed.

What you have to remember is that you cannot change what or who you are. The biggest problem my SO had was the fact that I had been lying to her over the years. That was the hardest thing to get over and also how could she know that I was not continuing to lie. The trust between us had been lost and has taken quite some time to build up again.

I hope that you are as lucky as I was in having someone who would listen - perhaps not understand totally - but she listened.

There are still problems but I think it was the best thing that happened when I came clean to her. Hopefully you will think the same thing in the future.

,

Sorry, I had a blonde moment and posted to the wrong thread. Oh, that's right, i'm having a blonde lifetime. :-s

The key to our relationship problems over being TG seems to come down to two basic issues.

One: How will this change our relationship with our partner?

Two: We live in a world that almost forces us to keep our secret. This secrecy violates the trust in a partnership.

Hi Kay-

Thank you for adding me to your TW Buddy List, it was very sweet of you. And you are so added to mine.

As far as your SO, if she's willing, there are many resources available to her, both here on TW and elsewhere that may allay some of her fears about TG issues. And for what it's worth, if she would like to talk to a "real live wife of a crossdresser", she can talk to my wife via email. One word of caution, my wife won't sugarcoat things. She is understanding and supportive but that's not say she doesn't have issues with the whole thing. If she could slip something in my coffee to make it all disappear, I'm sure she probably would.

Anyway, as always, I wish you the best of luck. Honesty is better than lies and a life lived behind self imposed walls.

Hugs...Joni

Brava, Robyn, well said in both posts.

Hugs...Joni

OMG, the secret is out! The PRTN are exposed. The Psychic Reprogramming Transgendered Ninja. We sneak in at night and program men and women to be TG. Now President Shrub will be hunting us down with the Office of Homevalues Security. Nexr thing you know there will be smart bombs hitting the SCC convention in Atlanta and Navy SEALS storming the beaches of Provincetown during Fantasia Fair (I'd be careful running around P-Town in rubber outfits, boys). Next thing you know, Tony B Liar will have the SAS jumping into Sparkle. It won't stop us. The Transgender Jihad will convert everyone to being TG. IGDs (Improvised Gender Devices) detonating on the Underground and in Morris Minors will have mobs of commuting businessmen rushing into Marks and Spenser to buy suspender belts and stockings. Boy, it's a good thing for the modals that there are clever people out there who realize our plot to convert the world.

Funny, but personally I have never needed anyone's permission to do stupid things.

Hugs...Joni

What is truly amazing is the incredible power we TGs have. A world of almost 6 BILLION people who do not support us and our small numbers, perhaps only 30 million worldwide, are able to convince mature, educated and highly intelligent individuals to risk losing all they love and value to switch genders. You know, maybe this means we COULD take over the world. In 10 years this could be www.TrannyWorld.com. Of course, only T girls and T men would have the vote under our nefarious scheme and all fundamentalist religion would be forbidden. Right! Katie for President, er Prime Minister, hmmm. Head Mistress, that's it!!

Hey, Joni, my beloved sister, we know you don't need permission to do stupid things. That's why you are soooooo much fun at parties. I can't wait to help. <hugs> <more hugs> <extra hugs for later>