Hiya girls! First I'd like to say that I've read alot of your posts and value everyone's input.

I'll give you a little background first. I've known I should have been born a girl since around 4 or 5 years old. I've always loved dressing up and wishing I was the real me that's hidden deep down inside inside. I've always been interested in relationships with girls and have had many. I met my wife and fell instantly in love and we have two wonderful children.

I'm now 32 years old. A few years ago it felt like something inside me broke loose. I had always spent everday wishing I was female but now it isn't enough, wishing that is. 24 hours a day seven days a week of my time is devoted to obsessing over it now.

The guilt of feeling like I was betraying my wife got the best of me a couple of years ago and I let her know how much I loved wearing her clothes and make-up. I had always tried to leave signs for her, leaving her clothes re-aggranged, make up lying out, etc... so I'm pretty sure she had a clue. Fearing she would leave me I've asked her many times to talk about it with me, there's so much I want to tell her. She tells me everyone has something that gets them going and not to worry about it.

There are a million reasons why I shouldn't have done it but I honestly couldn't help myself. I got hold of some estrodiol and took it........ just to know. My mood changed dramatically. I don't take much, just one or two weeks a month for the last four months I've taken one a day for one to two weeks at a time. It's made very good changes to my body and my mind and way of thinking.

I absolutely hate being male, there's nothing I like about it at all. I started psycho-therapy a while back and ended up with a male therapist. I'm not comfortable with that at all. So I asked for a transfer to a woman therapists and it should happen within the next month or two.

I want to be open and honest from the start with this. Any suggestions on how I can bring this up? I'm a very shy and quiet person. I hate the feeling of being judged and looked down upon.

I love my wife and kids and loosing them is definately something I don't want to happen but I know that is a very,very strong possobility. At this point in my life I feel like it's either this or suicide. I would much rather fullfill my life as the way I am meant to be than die as the person I'm not. My wife is also at a very fragile state and I'm worried what this will do to her so I'm planning on couples counseling if I can get up the nerve to go through with this. I also have my kids to think about, I know that this would be hard on them and I don't want them to have classmates and friends using their tranny father against them.

I want to take it one step at a time and that seems to be with the therapist. I don't want to just blurt it out first thing and see the look of shock on her face.

I know once this door is opened it can never be closed agaiin but if I don't open this door, I don't want to go on living.

Thanks for your time and I hope you all have a wonderfull life filled with happiness and all your dreams come true.

Thank you all for the feedback. It's made me feel better, I knew it would. I admire you all so much for what you've been through and are going through. I guess my main fear of all this is my wife's well being. She's going though some really tough times and I'm afraid this could push her further.
The one a day estrodiol for a couple of weeks at a time for the last four months has done way more than I expected. Muscles deminished, hips and but have really developed and I have to wear big thick shirts and still people stare. I'm dying to jump right in and take a full dose of everything they can give me lol. You girls are great and give such good advice, thank you so much!

Thank you Nikki for the input. I feel like I don't have much of a choice in transitioning anymore. It's a 24 hour a day 7 day a week burden that's affecting me in alot of ways. I stay irritated and edgey all the time and I know it's going to cause huge problems with marriage and it's going to be hard for my kids to understand, but if they give me the chance I'm hoping once I'm on the right road my emotional state will change for the better and they can see a better side of me.

Your comment of it coming out in the divorce scares me. I'd hate for my wife to drag all this up, it would be nice if things could just be kept to themselves. If divorce is the answer why make it worse for everyone? Besides payback for hurting her I guess. In a perfect world I'd hope for my wife to deeply consider it and give it a chance at least. I believe she's way to wrapped up in what society has ingrained into peoples minds over the years on what they consider right and wrong.

I'm glad it worked out for yall. I hope the same can happen for me. Im dreading it sooooo much. I very much doubt she will stay and will probably try to keep the kids from me, that is if they will want anything to do with me. I just know in my heart that this is what I want, I feel selfish for hurting my family, but I can't go on like this and it I think about suicide everyday but then I try to convince myself that going through with transitioning is a much better choice lol. Still now sure when I'm going to tell her, still in the process of finding a new therapist and working things out on that end and bringing her to an appointment so the therapist can try to help me explain.

It's quite simple, really. If you die, you lose your family and they lose you. So that is a poor option. It sounds like you MAY be strongly transsexual. If you have a therapist this should be a major topic of conversation, including your suicidal ideation. Being TG can be a life-threatening condition. You should have a therapist knowledgable in TG issues. Many therapists have little or no or, WORSE, incorrect knowledge of TG issues.

I was chronically depressed and passively suicidal...at least I didn't care if I died...up to two years ago. I came here, realized I was TG and now I'm happier than I can ever remember being in my life. I'm far more well-adjusted. I still have issues but I deal with them far better. I like dressing, but it isn't about that, it's about being ME and being able to be free to be me outside my home instead of locked away.

The bad news...you know it. This is going to be hard on your family.......best case. You can make it easier by educating yourself and then, at the right time, them. Having you die will definitely be among the "worst case" scenarios...for them and, particularly, for you. It can be damned hard at times and it will be....but the alternative is unacceptable. On the other hand, you should find considerable relief from finding yourself and living it. Few people are as fortunate as I have been, but some are and it won't be as bad as you fear. People will accept more than not. You could pick up and move somewhere with your family where you would be accepted far more than The Grand Old Opery House, taking pressure off of you and them. There are solutions. The unacceptable solution is sometimes quite acceptable...compared to the alternative. Suicide is for those with no hope....but you have hope. I found a life far better than any I have had before. You may find one far better than where you are...it's unlikely to be worse than suicidal depression. I suspect your kids would rather have two mothers than one and a dead father. Suicide would be for you, not them, and deny you the chance for a life you only dream of now.

Get some help from someone who knows about TG issues. Try starting with
http://www.ren.org/
and
http://www.ren.org/page2.html
http://ftmichael.tashari.[...]rt.html
http://ftmichael.tashari.[...]nnessee
Whatever you do, don't try to disarm this bomb on your own, get some knowledgable help. This can end well. Good luck and stay around. You can get a lot of support here and a hundred different opinons.

Well, despite your name you don’t sound insane or psychotic at all. Definitely transsexual though, from what you say;
“I've known I should have been born a girl since around 4 or 5 years old.”
Me too.
It sounds like you have the right attitude and concern for your family, which is admirable.
Open the door, and go on living.
xx

PS One-a-day estradiol doesn’t sound dangerous at all.

A lot of the girls here can relate to what you're going through. I myself lost my first wife and three children when I came out. I still see my kids regularly though and our relationship hasn't changed at all. That would almost certainly alter if I went down the transition route. Personally it's a risk I won't take. I'm married again and my wife knew my history before we married since it came out in my divorce. She has a lot of reservations but does try to understand.

Your never know how your wife will react until it happens but I don't recommend keeping this bottled inside, it's unlikely any good will come of that. You seem to know what you want for both you and your family, I only wish you luck.

If it's any comfort to you, when it came out in my divorce not one person turned against me. The usual comments were that it didn't change me as a person. It gave me the chance to talk about my crossdressing for the first time and it was a huge relief. I also told my girlfriend at the the time. We're now married with a lovely daughter.

I guess what I'm saying is that things are never as bad as you imagine them to be, there is always hope.

I wish you all the best.