Cognitive Dissonance - A Description

This is the feeling of uncomfortable tension which comes from holding two conflicting thoughts in the mind at the same time.

Dissonance increases with:

* The importance of the subject to us.
* How strongly the dissonant thoughts conflict.
* Our inability to rationalize and explain away the conflict.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function."
F. Scott Fitzgerad, "The Crack-Up" (1936) US novelist (1896 - 1940)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Everywhere is within walking distance... If you have the time."
Steve Wright Comedian
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A new member to TW (that we can referred to as the buddy of an apparent CD) recently asked in the chat for help to understand his friend.

His logic, on the revelation that his friend - with whom he wishes to stay friends - chose on occasion to wear women's clothing, inadvertently found on the seat of his car, was typically linear... "if you wish to wear women's clothes... you must wish to be a woman... therefore, if you wish to be a woman but you are a man... you must be gay. In the wonderful translation Trisha Wells offered this equates to the logic... "if baseballs are round and oranges are round... it reasonably follows that baseballs are a fruit."

The challenge - which I think is a wonderful topic of discussion - is to find a way to guide someone's thinking and help them comprehend who we are. I don't say 'explain' because I don't think 'explanations' work. Facts don't alter perceptions, I believe that you must connect with the thoughts and feelings of the questioner and find in their world, thoughts, emotions and ideas the comprehension of what it means to be transgendered. It is in the exploration of what they think and feel, how they structure their own life that we can find rational linkages to our world.

As an example, to the question of wanting wear women's clothes but not wanting to be a woman, is it not similar in the desire of so many men to wear the 'uniform' of favoured baseball team -- not because they want to be a baseball star (although many do) -- but that it is an expression of who they see themselves as.

I guess that those who deny us and refuse even to try to understand us are blocked by few but powerful preconceptions that they hold. These are, like cowboys say, something you have to ride around and not challenge. The more we challenge someone's precepts - the foundations of how they structure and rationalize their lives - the more entrenched and threatened they feel. Better that we find in their world connections to ours. The challenge it seems is in the time that it takes.

Holding up two thoughts.... sure is a good way of putting it. And reminds me of a small episode at the bank today... about cognitive assonance...

My visa had been demagnetised by accident, and so i had to withdraw some money over the counter. I went over and explained my problem to this young guy. Gave him my card, with my old name on it... And so, he looked at the screen, and saw my name, my name... already registered with the bank. And he looked sort of confused... and leant over to this other guy and asked: Can he withdraw money, it seems on the screen here that she - and he pointed at the screen - that she's the only one that can actually use this account ?

Well, i was not exactly passing.... I smiled, and said: As it happens, she, that is me, so there's no problem. And i laughed, while adding: Some sense of humour can be a good thing these days...

Not too sure if i was acting very ladylike, except.... i made him relax, the way we're supposed to... He laughed... slightly embarrased. Eh, oh, i see, theres actually the same birth dates and security numbers... i understand... Sabina... he said, and looked at me, pricelessly... He gave me my money. And before leaving i smiled again, and said i had no problem with understanding his confusion. He smiled and laughed back, embarassed, again.

Well, we laughed. I did, and he did, so we had that link, i guess it would make sense to say. The comic element... it was about the extreme contradiction too, of course. Clearly exhibiting the two thoughts: Acting like a woman, but clearly displaying the, well, problem.

I don't make much of an attempt to "pass", well, as anything but myself. My hair in a knot, a loose neck jumper, and womens jeans, which he couldn't see. No make up. And a shoulder bag, the short kind, under the arm. I guess my face may be perceived as sort of androgynous, my figure slightly feminine in tight fitting clothes, but that's about it. And then of course the fact that i'm slim and tall - 6'2'' - about 4-5'' taller than that guy at the bank. And i look fit enough too... well... give him a hug. No doubt, the fears some of these men have may be well founded.

So it begs the question, how does one explain being transgendered to someone who wishes to understand? Where do you start? What and how many steps do you take? What is the point of logical departure? Can you even rationalize being transgendered and should we even try?

There was, a few years, back an interesting breakthrough in thinking by environmental groups striving to save first-growth forests around the world. Their efforts at protection were failing because industries' arguments of the dollar value of a forest based on its conversion to something else was always vastly higher than the idea of 'leaving it just as it is'. Industry had couched the discussion in terms that only they could win, the value of a forest as planks of wood with the forest's existance 'as is' at zero. By attributing a value to the mere existance of something, valuing aesthetics, valuing clean air, the environmentalists could finally show the world the loss taking place.

Perhaps our challenge is couched in the wrong terms? Is it?

Good going Sabrina
That is an inspiring story good for you

Thanks, Sara. I felt lucky there, i must say.

...

Rationalizing... well, i wonder... A week ago i read a comment by a newspaper editor here, mentioning a fundamental principle of journalism: Show, don't tell. It goes for the way of writing too - a verbal style -as if a conversation is finding place.

And acting like a woman must come naturally; it's not something to be artificially acquired. I think Laura mentioned it last year: Shedding the enforced male role, acting the only natural way we can. And then you'll see, if you are a woman or not. I would say that includes the voice too. A relaxed attitude opens up the whole register. A cramped and enforced "female" voice only makes matters worse. Rationalizing about, or reflecting upon, the artificial character of the male role some of us were forced to play - may of course go some way towards the point of shedding it, to show, instead of telling. And perhaps a dress will be of some help to get past that point. But i really don't think its necessary. And wearing a dress will not be very convincing if people - women and men - see a man in the act. Reflecting the ways of other people, and in our female way, surely must be the most effective, not reflecting upon ourselves ?

hi Ann...
i've been in this dilemma a few times, most people I explained to were genuinely interested.......I'm not putting a warranty on these, mostly though they work for me generally.
So here's my top ten tips..........

1/ Start with biology.
Subjects I might include are;
finger ratios, even if you do not have fem ratios, they probably will have their correct ratios,
fetus devopment and the conversion from female default to male and what can go wrong.
enviromental influences

2/ Use statistics wisely and not much
Always be open to correction, stats can lie but also they can tell the truth.

3/Disabling conventional belief systems.
Understanding the separateness of gender identity, sexual orientation and the physical body.

4/ Illustrate the differences between t-types and gay males.
Examples i might include are,
Gays do not seek SRS, they are men who are into men, not women who are not/are gay.
Gays do not often cross dress. They have a distinct dress code generally, which is not overtly feminine at all.
Gays feminine behavioural traits are commonly perceived as overfeminine, and this a distinct side effect of their condition, not a sexual or gender core trait, although often this is commonly depicted in the media as the main trait .

5/ Try not to get drawn into position of personal defence, especially from an emotional perspective, discuss the subject rather than your personal status.

6/ Try to appeal to their intellect, rather than their belief system.
Often what you believe is based on what you know about a given subject.
If the belief is incorrect, then the evidence could change that belief into the more correct version.

7/ Keep each answer as short as you can, and simple.
If they wish to pursue it further this leaves an opening for them and dosn't leave them overwhelmed.
If you don't know an answer , say so. Conjecture is ok if declared beforehand, but try not to lie.
If you lie and they guess , even if you were being honest the rest of the time, it colors the converstaion somewhat.

8/ Pay attention to their own situation.
There is no need to embaress them , or make them feel uncomfortable.
Try to avoid it happening to you too..
Its only a conversation, after all.

9/ Try not to be a victim, although you may feel like it.
Although the victimisation of people with the condition is a valid discussion point,
Stress the inevitability of the condition, and the differing ways of dealing with it.

10/ I try and discuss the issue from a point of view that goes;
This is what happens to some people, and from our discussion I am obviously very similar in some (maybe many) ways to these people.
I do try to let them make the connection............without actually saying "I'm one".
Why? Because their understanding of the issue is more important to me than my justification of my situation. Having to justify myself could put me on the defensive, at which point I'm possibly in an argument , not a discussion.

However this only my experience and opinion as per......
Your's could be different. i'm sure many others have different ways
love and light
bathtime tonight

'You wear a dress, you must be gay' - this is typical of your average male thinking when presented with TG folk. They don't understand it and some don't want to, fair enough, but I don't make the assumption that everyone in a football (soccer) shirt is a football hooligan.

Everyone in this world chooses to wear and adopt a personality which they are comfortable with, whether that is a biker, rocker, mod, opera lover, sports enthusiast or whatever. They all have their own code of conduct and particular 'uniform' that goes with it. Unfortunately for us, we live in a time when it still unsettles some people to see TG girls. A hundred years ago the thought of a woman wearing trousers was unthinkable and would have been ridiculed (certainly in England) but how times have changed. I'd like to think that if I was born today, I would grow up in a world where a person can wear whatever they like without any recriminations. I do believe it is getting better.

As I said earlier, this is mainly male thinking though I am sure it is not limited entirely to them. In my experience, I have yet to meet a GG who has a problem with transgendered girls. (The exception here is, of course, embittered ex-wives). Gernerally, women are more accepting of the person under the clothes, rather than the clothes themselves.

Nikki
You wear a dress you must be gay. You have no idea how much that thought slowed me down. That's what I was brought up to think. I couldn't figger out how come I liked dressing but didn't think of men in a sexual way.
Well now I know. But I don't think things are going to change anytime soon. Things I'm seeing on TV & reading in the papers make me say that. We're not just seen as gay but the worst kind of perverts.

But than I read Sabina's story & I feel a lot better.

This thread & the one started by Trisha Wells make some very strong points.