Hello. I 'm kate and have just joined trannyweb. I need some help.

I always knew i wanted to be a girl, and the plan was that one day I'd make that happen. Then at 15 I met and fell in love with Claire. A girl. Now I'd liked girls, loved them but it was more a case of i want to be friends, wear your clothes etc than I fancy you. But with Claire i just fancied her plain and simple. (prior to this I generally had crushes on boys which to me was perfectly normal seeing as I should have been a girl!)

I told Claire I wanted to be a girl very early on, and we had some fun times dressing together. Howevere as time wore on I fell more and more into a manly role in our relationship and Kate became more and more of a "distracting hobby" as Claire once called it.

I loved Claire more than anything so without her asking tried to be the man, but without ever letting her forget that inside I was and wanted to be a girl. Now we're here 17 years later, married and with two daughters. I've realised that Claire is im love with the male persona I project to the world and not the "real me". This is a bit of a crushing blow, as The male persona is not real.

I love her dearly still, but I know deep down she is not gay, she doesn't like women, although she has had some fun times with Kate. But she doesn't love me, the girl who loves her. I dont know how to make it all fit together again. I want her, but I want her to want me.

Its alll a bit confusing. For both of us. Ijust want to know if there are any other couples out there who have made this work. I am not going to have gender reasignment but need to find a way of keeping our family together and accepting her, while allowing Kate to have the full life she deserves.

Any help would be appreciated.

Kate

Hi Kate, wow your story hits home bigtime. I have been married 29 years with 4 kids. For myself I went from a very religous wife who did not accept any of this, to her taking the time on her own to understand what was going on and now she accepts me and encourages me to be me at appropriate times. My biggest piece of advise is to make Claire your best friend again. It is so easy to get comfortable where your at in a relationship and forget the basics that build relationships. I'm sure you love her dearly just as I love my wife, but does she see you devoting more to Kate than Claire?

I had a similar story. I loved my ex as a female friend, but she wanted to keep the stage up.
At home I coloured her hair (she said "better than any hairdresser"), made breakfast to our kids...outside I had to act as a man. She knew my story when we married, she wanted me "because I was so different". But she gave me the rules. And the game ended one day.

Laura

Hi ya Kate,
Firstly welcome to TW, I have to say that I could not agree with Wendy any more than totally as she has some big pearls of wisdom there. Hiding who you are, lying to yourself and others around you is a huge mistake. Omg it has cost me dearly though my circumstance is totally different I tried very hard to be what my partners wanted me to be and I never let myself be me. For the first time in my life I am with someone who said to me “Just be who you are and the rest will fall into place” do you know it took me some years to figure out who the hell I was after being conditioned so many times in my life. I tried to be dominant Beverly saw venerable; I tried to be macho Beverly saw feminine so in the end I stopped trying and guess what, it turns out my kids even looked at me as being a mothering person not a farther figure. Now nature has taken its course and I have found who I really am. for the first time this I/S person can say I am a she, yes a girl as female is the dominant part of me and now I will let a surgeon remove the parts that don’t belong on me.

How dose this relate to you? Well I guess you need to find a way to communicate with your partner. Try to find a way to be happy and at piece with yourself. Then hopefully you will find that life really can be good and your relationship is stronger than ever.

Good luck in the hardest battle you will ever face “finding ones self in a stereo typical world” as they say the line is never straight it swings on way then the other.

Hello again and thanks for the advice and words of wisdom. We are still working together. Mine is a case of Kate falling in love with Claire, before I really allowed her to live a life, although I was always honest with Claire.

We will work at it and yesterday I was able to dress in front of Claire and feel really comfortable for the first time in a long time so we have made some progress.

I am also quite touched by teh posts Ive read, its nice to have thoughtful responses to a post rather than some of the posts Ive made on other forums. I feel comfortable here (why haven't i found it sooner).

Hopefully I'll play an active role in thsi online community and update you with my story one day, when the pieces fall in to place.

I think I may even invite Cal;ire to jin as she could probably do with a friend or too as well to share this life with.

Thaks for your comments and really making me feel welcome.

Kate

Hi Kate, and first of all, welcome to TW.

Your story is not unfamiliar to a lot of the girls here, myself included. I did the male role thing then realised it was driving me crazy, not being able to be me! One failed marriage trying to make that work.

However, I now have a new wife who accepts and supports what I do. I cannot go full time because of family, or rather I don't want to put them through that but I am me at last, regardless of what I am wearing.

I found my solution, it was a compromise but marriage is about compromise. I'm afraid I don't know what your answer is, but it is important for you to find one otherwise it may lead to serious consequences for your relationship.

Nikki

Welcome to Trannyweb, Kate.

Your situation contains a number of problems. self-identity, family issues, relationship with your S.O., her perceptions and desires. Each of us sits in a different place on a number of spectrums, not just one. These include gender, physical sex, sexual preference, and many others. Living a live in a different role can become a comfortable habit for some and a living hell for others. Only you can determine the best balance of these factors for YOU.

In my case, I knew my S.O. for 12 yrs as a friend before we became romantically involved. Both of us had secretly had a strong attraction for the other that we had not verbalized. After we became intimately involved, something happened. Over the years she kept telling me that I was not the person she had fallen in love with. This kept both of us trying to make things work, including couples therapy, for many years as we drifted apart, yet still loved each other as friends. Finally, after a period of seperation, I realized I was transgendered and came out to her. Shortly after she told me that Wendy was the person she had fallen in love with. She encouraged me to keep that personality dominant and we havae become better friends than ever. Our relationship has changed but both of us are happy with how it is. We have a lot of fun going out as girlfriends. Despite being cautious about risking the intimacy that led to our previous disaster, I am confident that it was due to my true personality being buried. These are the kind of minefields that one has to beware of. What I thought of no importance and hid from her and our therapist turend out to be the most important thing of all. Denying it kept my best parts locked "up in the loft". No wonder we had problems. I concur with the recommendation that you renew your friendship with your wife. My personal experience tells me that Kate going shopping with her girlfriend (your wife) might bring you closer. Some girl time together will let Kate out and probably please your wife with the attention and interst in what she enjoys, what most women enjoy, shopping. Talk to your wife. Ask her feelings about all this, don't guess. BIG MISTAKE! Ask. I recommend reading MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS. Read it a few times. Let her read it and talk about it together after you have read it individually. Then you will be ready to talk about your relationship and Kate's role in it.

Good l7uck and welcome to the Sorority. Some S.O.s join TW with their TG partner, some by themselves and some do not join. A partner may prefer this place to talk privately. Whatever works best for you. You have avoided the worst issue. Secrets from your S.O.