the situation am in at the moment is complicated, im strugling to word it all.
ive always new that am a girl in side, ever sinse a todler(am 23 now) but have always felt this deep shame inside me about it, like a dirty secret, ive tried to run away from it all my life, at 13 i left school and got mixed up in a world of drugs and self destruction, sufering self harm and sever bouts of depression.
not been able to be my true self has caused me to lose my freinds and looked at as a strange outsider by many family members and freinds. so i got lost more in drugs and drink, till one nite i exploaded and told my mum in a drunken stupor that i want to be a girl and ive always felt like one(i did not remeber this the next day). but sinse this shes completly ignored it and is in denial, she sufers with deep depression her self and asnt got the strenth to face who i realy am.
now on top of this, my hair has started balding, dramaticly changing my apearence . i hate having to look in the mirror, ive been slipping into a pattern of sleeping all day, not been able to get out of bed, like my fiting spirit has gone. im not one for feeling sorry for my self, ive been through alot, but im always there to help people who are in need or distress, and see humour in everything, but rite now i dont know were to turn, wat to do about my feelings, im so paranoid all the time like im putting on a act thats being scrutonized.
i realy would be so grateful of some insite of others that are have been were i am rite now thanks x

Leigh.
Sounds like you have had a terrible time of it. Your story though is not as uncommon as you may think. Denying who we are can lead to many forms of mental illness depression,suicidal thoughts and feelings.Not knowing who to talk to about how we are feeling. Where to go to seek help or advice. The first step as in anything relating to the human condition is recognition of a problem. In your case that has been reached. What to do about it is where you now find yourself.
Firstly you are young so have time on your side even if it does not feel like that right now.
You do not mention if you are still currently resorting to drink and drugs to numb your pain ?
The good news is that there are many avenues and resources ,groups that you can turn to for advice and information.
I will not for now get bogged down in explaining the issues that being a transperson involves you can get your head around those aspects further down the road when your in a much better psychological position to do so.
You have taken the first step telling someone about what you are feeling about who you truely are.You by the sound of it know that your mother is in no position herself to help you in any way right now having her own deepseated issues of drepression to face just now.
Know that there is a whole community out here in the world of many thousands of people who have come from a place much like you currently find youyrself in who can both Understand and know how you are feeling. Who through their own journeys can offer guidance and advice.
You are now no longer alone as such.

What to do next ? well what comes first stopping the drinking and drug taking (if you havent already) or finding a route in your life that will make it easier to not resort to them for numbing your internal pain ? Its a kind of chicken and egg question. Ideally stopping such actions will make it easyer for you to start to see things more clearly and prevent any greater self harm.

Here in the UK there are clinics for those who have Gender dysphoria that are provided on the NHS.The route to get taken on by these is a relativly simple though slow process.
You tell your GP about your Gender issue. They should then refer you to a resident NHS psyhcologist or psychatrist who after a couple of sessions with you decide if the Gender Identity Clinic is a place that would beneficial too you. Then depending upon what part of the country you are in you should be refered to a clinic where specialists can start to help you discover wether you are and to waht degree suffering from Gender dysphoria ( Gender Dysphoria is basically the feeling of having the wrong body for the mind that one has).
You need to have a talk with someone who knows what this is all about (obviously by contacting this site you are reaching out for those who know something about the subject).
There are many councellors as well who deal with gender issues and one of these would be a good way to help you find a way of dealing and coping with how your are currently feeling.
So do not feel like things are hopeless that there is no where to turn to as there are.

The feeling of being paranoid can be eccercebated by drinking and drugs but having to hide what you are and the fear of being found out and possibly ridiculed is one most of us transpeople have faced over the years.When you no longer have that fear when you reach the stage of being able to come out the world as a whole by being yourself is very acheiveable but that will be only at the pace and time that one is ready and comfortable to do so.

Fell free to mail me asking for more detailed advice links and names numbers of councellors ,gender support groups etc.
I think once you know and have taken positive steps towards finding who you are and where you fit in with life and the world at large in society a lot of your inner deamons will and can be put to rest.

Start communicating and finding others who have been where you are talk to them via person to person,email etc and you will be on the road to vanquishing the self destructive behaviour that your posting describes.

I know this may not be exactly what the kind of reply you was hoping to recieve. There is Iam afraid no one blue print for any of us to follow as for each of us the path down this road is a very personal and different to many others who have taken such a road but we end up at a very simerlar place once the journey has started.

Have hope courage and belief that you have taken the vital first step.

Sarah.

hi, thanks for ur response, yes im still strugling with drinking(not drugs anymore). i know ive got a long road ahead of me, and need the suport of others in this situation, im gona ave to be a stronger person, ill contact u for those addys xx

its such a complicated and tricky situation to be in, some days i can think strate and others my mind is a mess x

and an top of this ive been diagnosed with bipola( am in a mess lol) wich is a horrible mood disorder for anyone with no stresses x

ye thanks for ur advice, ive been having mentle problems sinse my early teens, but ive always been aware that im a girl in side. The step the fritens me is how to become the female im ment to be, phsicaly and emotinaly, not to mention family and freinds reaction( and societys).

Hi Leigh,

Just a quick note to see how you are doing? I hope the "Holiday Season" wasn't too stressful. It's tough to think that those who should be accepting of you are not being supportive, especially around what should be family time. In any case, have a good week, and remember your TW sisters are here in case you want to chat/vent or just have someone to talk to.

Hugz,
MichelleLynn


PS you can email me here if you want to chat -> [email protected]

Bipolar is a cute name thought up by some shrink a while back..ignore it or you'll be mislabelled crazy for years to come no matter what they say to your face.
You see bi poling cos when you can forget your misery you're ok and when it gets shoved in your face by perhaps walking past a mirror you go down...

Don't let the doctors start you on antidepressants cos they will do no good and will ruin things for life.